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"The Mysteries of Life"  Episode 23/123


Men's Voices:  "Your Highness."  "Your Highness."  "Greetings,
Prince Jason!"  "Crown Prince-- "  "Prince Jason."  "Lovely day,
your Highness."  "Look over there!  It's him!"  "May the gods be
with you, Prince Jason."  

H:  "Hi, Prince Jason, hi.  So let me kiss your feet, baby.  Let
me kiss your feet."

I [Interrupting]:  "Ah, let me wipe the sweat from your royal

Ja:  "That't funny.  That's funny.  Ha-ha-ha-- that's funny."

H:  "Listen, uh-- thank you.  Don't you ever get sick of all this
constant sucking up, huh?"

Man's Voice [In Background]:  "Oh, Prince Jason--" 

Ja:  "I can't help it if people love me."

I:  "Whoa-- obviously, they haven't seen me whip your backside in
the royal wrestling ring"

Ja:  "I think your memory's playing tricks on you, Iolaus."

H:  "All right, you two-- "

Barker [Bar]:  "Step right right up!  Step right up!  Ladies and
gentleman; boys and girls-- see the secrets of the ancient
world-- laid bare-- the greatest riddles of nature!  Revealed.
All is told.  All is shown here!  In the the mysteries-- of

Ja:  "Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Let's go."

I:  "No, w-w-w-wait!  Come on; come on.  This sounds kind 'a

H:  "Oh-- come on-- guys.  It's so fake!"

Bar:  "What's that you say, young man?!  A fake?  Huh?!  You be
the judge-- huh?  The show begins."


H [Whispers]:  "Sorry."

Man's Voice [In Background]:  "The Crown Prince!"

H [Softly]:  "This is such a fake."

Bar:  "Ladies and gentlemen!  Feast your eyes.  I dare you to
call _this_-- a fake."

I:  "Ruff?"

Man's Voice:  "My god!"

Woman's Voice:  "What _is_ it?!"

I:  "Ruff, is that you?"

A Man's Voice:  "What is that _smell_?!"



I:  "Ruff, is that you?  Hey-- Ruff.  Hey, come here.  Hey,
buddy, how have you been?"

Bar:  "Young man!  Stay back!  I-I beg you!  He-he'll tear your
head right off!  He's a fire-breathing monster!"

I:  "Come here.  Huh?  You like that?  Huh?"

H:  It's gotta be Ruff.  He remembers him."

I:  "You know, you've grown.  I mean-- you've _grown_.  You've

Woman's Voice:  "Some monster."

Man's Voice:  "Probably just some guy in a suit.  Ha-ha."

Bar:  "Oh, good people!  Please!  Don't go away!  No, wait!  Wait
until you see the amazing three-legged man!  Wait!"

Ja:  "Three legs-- big deal.  Cheiron's got four."

Bar:  "Just get out!  Do you hear me?!  You've _completely_
destroyed my matinee performance."

I:  "He is sick.  What have you done to him?"

Bar:  "What's it to you?  He's mine!  I can do with him what I
want!  Now, just get out!  Come on!"

Ja:  "Two-on-one-- that's not very nice, is it?"

Bar:  "Hey, Sonny!"

H:  "Hey, hey-- hey-- hey-- now, just watch what you say, OK?
You just happen to be talking to the Crown Prince of Corinth."

Bar:  "Oh, yeah?  And I'm the son 'a Zeus."  [Chuckles]

H:  "Are you the son 'a Zeus?"  [Chuckles]

Bar:  "You go _no_ right to come in here and destroy _my_ show!"

I:  "Look at him!  He's wasting away!"

H:  "He's right, you know.  He doesn't look all that good."

Bar:  "The creature-- is fine-- a little under the _weather_,
maybe-- the _humidity_.  Besides-- he's spent his whole _life_ in
captivity.  I hatched him, myself-- from an egg given to me by
the king of Thrace!  Who just happens to be one of my _biggest_

I:  "You liar!  He didn't hatch from an egg!  If you really
raises him, you'd _know_ that!  _We_ raised him.  _We_ set him
free!  Look at him!  Jason-- we can't keep him here."

Ja [Sighs]:  "All right, how much do you want?"

Bar:  "Sell my star attraction?!  I have an _obligation_ to my
public!  And _who'll_ pay to see some 800 pound man _or_

H:  "You've got Medusa?"

Bar:  "Well, she _calls_ herself Medusa-- between you and me, I
think the snakes are rubber.  Anyway-- whatever!  Sell the
monster?  No."

Ja:  "Sorry, buddy, there's nothin' we can do."

Bar:  "You heard your friend-- out!"

I:  "You lousy-- !"

Bar:  "You wanna piece of me?"

I:  "Yeah!"

Bar:  "You wanna piece of me?!"

H:  "Whoa, whoa, now, there's no need to get violent.  OK?  And
_no_ need to get ugly."

I:  "Yeah, like he can help it."

Bar:  "Take him-- and go.  Quiet!  You wanna shut him up?
[Chuckles]  Go on.  Hmm."


I's Voice:  "I can't stand seeing Ruff like that."

H:  "I know that you're upset, OK?"

I:  "If you looked into his eyes, you'd be upset, too.  You know,
when he stared at me through the bars of that cage, he-- he
looked so sad.  He looked so scared."

H:  "You're still thinkin' of him as a baby-- you know?  But,
listen, even back then, he was a handful."

Ja:  "Yeah, now he's a dangerous animal."

I:  "He is _not_ an animal!  OK, he's an animal, but if _we_
don't get him out of there, he's gonna die.  I know he will."

Ja:  "Look, I could shut the show down, but the barker would just
go somewhere else and take Ruff with him.  For all we know-- they
might be leavin' town tonight."

I:  "Fine-- then I'm gonna go over right now-- and I'm getting
him out of there."

H:  "Whoa, oh-- Iolaus-- ho-- "

Ja:  "Uh, Hercules-- you can't stop him."

H:  "I know.  Maybe I can keep him from gettin' hurt-- and make
sure Ruff's OK."


I [Whispers]:  "Pssst.  Hey.  Ruff.  Ruff, wake up."

H [Whispers]:  "Hey-- whoa, whoa."

I:  "Shh."

H:  "Shh, shh.  [Whispers]:  "Where do you think he keeps the

I [Softly]:  "I have no idea."

H [Whispers]:  "Hi."

I [Softly]:  "But I do have a plan.  Wait there."

H [Whispers]:  "Hey, hey, hey, hey-- "

I:  "No, no, no, I was-- thinking of Ruff."

H [Softly]:  "Thinking of Ruff.  Whoa, hold on-- wait a second.
Are we sure we know what we're doing?"

I:  "Yeah, yeah.  Yeah, I can handle him."

H:  "OK.  Hold on a second.  Now why doesn't that make me feel

I [Whispers]:  "I don't know."

H [Whispers]:  "OK."

I [Softly]:  "Hold this.  Hey, buddy.  Look-- I got you
something-- huh?  Good.  You see that?  They obviously don't feed
him enough.  If we don't get him out of here-- he's gonna die.

H:  "Melon."

I:  "Blanket."

H:  "Blanket."

I:  "OK-- don't worry, little buddy."

H:  "Don't worry, little buddy."

I:  "I'm gonna get you outta here."


H's Voice:  "Hey, Iolaus-- where're we going?"

I's Voice:  "Don't worry, Herc, I know a hiding place when I used
to run with the Loax gang.  Ruff will be safe here."

I:  "OK.  OK, we gotta stop.  Oh, he's about ten time heavier
than he used to be."

H:  "Yeah-- and about ten times smellier."

I:  "Hey, boy-- you're out of that bad place, now.  You remember
how to shake hands?  Shake hands?  [Laughs]  Look.  I taught him
that.  Oh.  Ooh.  Oh, that does not smell good.  Uh, I hope we
got him out of there in time."

H:  "He just needs some fresh air-- you know?  Some room to run?
A couple days out in the wilderness?  Back to his old self."

I:  "Yeah.  What is it, boy?  Huh?  Oh, man.  We didn't take off
the muzzle.  It must be driving him crazy.  Here-- hold this."

H:  "Listen, I-I really don't think we should, OK?  I mean, he-he
does breathe fire."

I:  "Come on-- just for a minute.  We'll put it back on when we
leave-- promise.  Besides-- I-I-I don't think he does that
anymore-- you know-you know?  I think he grew out of it.  Hey--
didn't you?  You don't spit fireballs-- yeah.  Whoa!  Whoa!"

H:  "I'm gonna take that as a big, fat no."



Man:  [Screams]


Soldier:  "Get back!  You peasants!"

Woman:  "Go on!  Get off!  Get off the house! [?]"

Man:  "He burned my house down!"


Ja:  "Never should've let you go there without me!"

I:  "Aw, gee, Dad, you think you could 'a done better?!"

Ja:  "No!  But the muzzle would still be on and Ruff wouldn't be
out there-- burnin' people's farms down!"

I:  "You can't blame Ruff!  He's just a scared animal-- and he
only spits fire when he feels threatened!"

Ja:  "I don't blame Ruff.  I don't blame you either, anymore than
I blame myself."

H:  "Let's just look at the bright side, OK, guys?  At least Ruff
hasn't hurt anybody, right?  Well, not yet?"

Guard's Voice:  "You can't go in there!"

Bar:  "Outta my way, lackey!  So-- you really _are_ the Crown

Ja:  "What do you want?"

Bar:  "That riff-raff out there may think it's my fault that the
beast is running loose.  I came here to assure _you_ that it's
not.  But I see you've already captured the _scum_ that did it."

I:  "Well, if I'm scum, what does that make _you_, ya low-life?!"

H:  "Iolaus-- it's all right.  It's not worth it."

Bar:  "The creature was going to make me a _show-biz_ legend.
And if those rabble-- do _anything_ to him-- "

I:  "What do you mean, `Do anything'?"

Bar:  "They're going to hunt him down."

Man:  "Kill the beast!  Let's kill the beast!"  [Yells]

Ja:  "I'll try and stop them.  If you want Ruff captured alive,
you'll get to him first."


I:  "Ruff will hear `em comin' a mile away, won't he?"

H [Sighs]:  "Yeah, uh-- listen, let's try this way, OK?"

Ja's Voice:  "This way, men."

Bar:  "Don't worry!  The show _will_ go on."  [Chuckles]


I:  "He's probably lookin' for food."

H:  "Or water.  He's gotta get pretty dry, spittin' fireballs and


Man:  "Look!  Look!  The path of the monster!  Come on!"

Men's Voices:  "Yeah!"  "Let's get it!"


Soldier:  "Here, Sire!"  

Ja:  "Good."

Soldier:  "We should go first, your Grace-- in case we meet the
monster.  This way."


Ja:  "You-- "

Bar:  "You know, I'd-- hoped you were a little smarter than the
common herd.  They're all following a false trail laid by my,
uh-- associate."

Ja:  "What are ya talkin' about?"

Bar:  "Oh, I have no more desire to see them destroy the beast
than you.  After all, he's my ticket to the big time.  But I
wouldn't worry-- they won't succeed."

Ja:  "Hey!"

Bar:  "Neither will you."  [Laughs]


H:  "What are we gonna do when we find him?"

I:  "Well, uh-- I'll just call him-- and then I'll, uh muzzle

H:  "Well-- I hope he recognizes you, you know?  He's probably
pretty panicked."

I:  "It's like a boy and his dog.  He'll know me."

H:  "Whoa, whoa-- hold on.  Incoming!"  [Yells]

I:  "Ruff!  It's us!  Where is he?  Where'd he go?  I think he's
over here.  Ruff!  Ruff, it's me!"

H:  "A boy and his dog, huh?"


Bar:  "Oh-h-h, when I get that _thing_ back, no attraction in the
_world_ will be its equal.  Kings will _beg_ me to appear.  Gods
will de-_mand_ a showing.  I will be known-- as the greatest
showman in the-- quiet!  If the monster hears us, it'll _ruin_
everything.  He may be an ugly brute-- but he's cunning.  Why-- I
remember a time when-- what _are_ you going on about?!  Down!
Ha-- to the pit!  Ah-- we've been waiting for you!  Haven't we,
Prince Jason?  Uh-oh!"

Ja:  "Nice try, Ruff."

Bar:  "Temper, temper!  You know how _hard_ it is for you to
breathe when you shoot those things straight up."

Ja:  "You won't get away with this."

Bar:  "He'll tire himself out-- it's just a matter of time before
we can get close enough and-- put the muzzle [on him].  Oh, um--
as he weakens, uh, he will become a little, um-- _peckish_.
Regrettably, you're the only food he can reach-- yet.  But-- you
can't make a mousaka without crackin' a few eggs, huh?  Ha-ha.
Just think how much people will pay to see the monster that ate
the Crown Prince of Corinth!  Ha-ha-ha-ha."

H:  "They won't get the chance."

I:  "No, no.  I got him."

H:  "No, Iolaus, listen-- "

I [Interrupting]:  "No, no, no, I got him."

H:  "OK."

I:  "OK, thanks."

Bar:  "Missed me, missed me!  Ha-ha!"

I:  "Ow-w-w.  Ow!"

Ja:  "Iolaus, thanks for droppin' in."

[H fights Bar briefly.]

H:  "What the freak was that?"

I:  "Uh-- uh-- uh, hey, boy!  Uh, d-d'you-d'you remember me?
Hey-- it's Iolaus.  Hi.  Uh-- d'you-d'you wanna-- wanna shake--
shake-- shake hands?  Come on.  Shake hands.  Sh-- shake hands.
Good boy .  OK.  All right.  All right.  No one's gonna hurt you
anymore.  You know?  I think you would have been OK.  I think he
kinda likes ya."

Ja:  "Yeah, medium rare."

I:  "Come on-- I think he's a vegetarian."

Bar:  "Gentlemen.  Gentlemen.  I-I-I got the circuit all worked
out.  The way you handle him-- "

Ja:  "Don't even try it."

I:  "Yeah, I said I _think_ he's a vegetarian."

H's Voice:  "You guys OK?"

I's Voice:  "Yeah!  We're fine!"

H's Voice:  "I'll toss you a rope!  Sit tight!"


I's Voice:  "This is a really nice island.  Now, you said-- no
hunters are allowed-- right?"

H:  "Yeah-- i-it's kinda like a sanctuary."

I:  "Think he'll be OK?  Hey."

H:  "Kora says that this land is very sacred to Artemis."

Ja:  "Kora?"

H:  "Yeah."

Ja:  "What does she have to do with Artemis?"

H:  "Uh-- that's a good question.  I don't know."

I:  "Sounds silly, but, uh-- I think I'm gonna miss him."

H:  "It's not silly at all."

Ja:  "See you back at the boat."


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