Whoosh! Issue 19 - April
1998


Bitter Treat:
A Bitter Suite Parody



ACT THREE



13     INT. DINING HALL - DAY

I *hate* it when this happens!

"Now that she's gone will you
Finally go out with me?"


Xena kneels beside Gabrielle's dead body, the fatal pea stuck to her forehead. The Chorus enters, holds Gabrielle's finger in a candle to see if she screams and when she remains silent, shake their collective heads.

CHORUS
In light of this solemn occasion, we'll refrain from making any 'pea-brain' jokes and simply say, 'you wasted her, Xena.'

XENA
(sarcastically)
I appreciate your delicacy.

CHORUS
We do our best.
(looking at the tables)
Hey look! Boar! Yum!

The Chorus runs over to the buffet to chow down. Ares slithers up to Xena and begins to play patty-cake with her as under:

ARES
(singing)
You're wondering how,
You killed with a pea.
Just one of those things
It once happened to me.

You were into chicks
Since you met her then...
But maybe her death
Now will make you like men.

Ares pulls Xena to her feet and begins to dance with her, though it's closer to making out than dancing. Naturally, Xena is into it cuz let's face it -- Ares is HOT.

ARES (CONT'D)
(singing)
Hey, I'll volunteer,
To be your first date.
I'm handsome, a god
I'm the ultimate mate.

I know I can turn you,
You'll love being het
Don't worry about all
the fans on the net.

Ares glances at Gabrielle, then returns to dancing with Xena.

ARES (CONT'D)
(singing)
What does that girl know
That I cannot do as well,
I'll even write scrolls.
Soon as I learn to spell.

I'm sure you have missed,
What a man has to give.
Forget about Gabby.
She's dead, and you live.

Let a god show you how,
To reach passionate heights.
Each day of the year,
And especially the nights...

Forget about Gabby.
Together we'll climb.
Just don't pay attention,
When I prove I'm slime.

Xena notices Gabrielle's dead body and breaks away from Ares, who immediately begins taking a cold shower.

ENTER Callisto.

CALLISTO
(singing)
Did you have lots of fun,
Snorting out a pea?
Now that she's gone will you
Finally go out with me?
Let's go...
I know a great place for sushi and beer
So come on, my sweet...
Let's go.

XENA
Why the heck wasn't I this popular in high school?

ARES
Hey Callisto --
when I'm through showering,
how about a nice deflowering?

CALLISTO
You're a little late,
but what the heck, it's a date.

Ares and Callisto leave together and Xena is left alone with Gabrielle's corpse.

XENA
I off-ed Gabrielle...

Gabrielle enters from behind and looks stunned at Xena holding her dead body.

GABRIELLE
Oh sure. You get to play Warrior, Princess, Priestess, Tramp. I get to play Bard and Corpse. So much for my chance to stretch.

The warriors and villagers disappear as well as the dead body. Xena stands up looking like a little kid who got caught shooting peas out of her nose.

XENA
(guilty)
It wasn't my fault! You shoved a pea up my nose -- what was I supposed to do?

GABRIELLE
Well, that's grounds for murder. Pea-shoving.

XENA
I just exhaled! Geez, I dragged you across half of Greece and it didn't seem to phase you, but one pea between the eyes and it's lights out?

Suddenly the square portal opens up.

GABRIELLE
What's that?

XENA
A square portal opening up. Quite suddenly, too.

The portal sucks them in and we:

                                 CUT TO:


14     INT. DELUSIAN TOWER - DAY

Got any Midol?  I'm getting one of *those*
headaches!

"For crying out loud!
Again with the touchy-feely routine!"


They're inside a stark tower. Gabrielle is wearing a pair of Texas-style snake skin boots across her chest.

XENA
Wow, we finally dumped the supporting cast. I'm guessing this is my chance to sing!

GABRIELLE
Not yet, you don't. We have some things to work out first.

XENA
For crying out loud! Again with the touchy-feely routine!
(echo)
tine! tine! tine!

GABRIELLE
(whispers)
Cool...
(shouts, echo)
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Halooo! loo! loo!
Hyah! yah! yah!

XENA
(singing)
I'm an old cowhand... and... and...
From the Rio Grande... ande... ande...

GABRIELLE
What do you suppose ose ose ose
is causing this is is is?

XENA
Dunno no no no.
Probably the obstruction tion tion tion
of sound waves aves aves
from a reflecting ing ing ing
surface ace ace.
In this case ase ase,
marble arble arble.

GABRIELLE just stares at her.

XENA (cont'd)
Or maybe it's because ause ause
we're not singing inging inging inging.

GABRIELLE
You go first irst irst irst.

Gabrielle runs off to find her stunt voice while Xena leans against a column ready to warble her heart out.

XENA
(singing)
My nose is hurting beyond words
My sinuses are ripped to shreds...
I've had the lousiest of weeks.
My rep is now worse than is Ted's.

No one will watch my TV show!
No movie deals will come my way!
I'm stuck here halfway 'cross the world.
For this rift someone's gonna pay!

Happily, Gabrielle has raided the LES MIZ cast and found Eponine. She sticks her behind a column and gets ready to lip-synch.

GABRIELLE
(singing -- hee hee)
My head is hurting beyond words.
Finding Excederin's my goal.
I've had the lousiest of weeks.
I almost lost my favorite role!
(to Xena)
Because of you this happened! Because you want the spotlight
You almost got me fired!

XENA
(singing, for real)
It's you who should feel guilty,
Because I had to drag you, I'll
no longer be admired!

GABRIELLE
(singing)
If you would change the title of the show...

XENA
(singing)
If you would just let your perfect abs go!

GABRIELLE
(singing)
You are too big a star!

XENA
(singing)
You exercise too far!

GABRIELLE
(singing)
You-- You suck!

XENA
(singing)
No, you suck!

GABRIELLE
(singing)
Ya big creep!

XENA
(singing)
You're the creep!

GABRIELLE
(singing)
Do you have to say everything I say?

XENA
(singing)
Do you have to say everything I say?

GABRIELLE
(singing)
Stop it!

XENA
(singing)
Stop it!

GABRIELLE
(singing)
I mean it!

XENA
(singing)
I mean it!

GABRIELLE
(singing)
Cut it out, ya big baby!

XENA
(singing)
Cut it out, ya big baby!

GABRIELLE
(singing)
Xena!

XENA
(singing)
Xena!

Suddenly, the square portal appears and Dahak fire reaches out, grabbing Gabrielle.

Another casualty in the 'Gas vs. Electric'
debate.

"Wanna save me from Pyro-boy?"




GABRIELLE
Not this again!

XENA
Not this again!

GABRIELLE
(as she's being dragged)
Quit repeating everything I say!

XENA
I wasn't! I changed the emphasis, didn't I?

GABRIELLE
(conversationally)
Wanna save me from Pyro-boy?

XENA
Yeah, okay, whatever.

Xena leaps to Gabrielle's rescue but can't hold on. She grabs the fire 'arms' and is pulled in after Gabrielle as we:

                                     FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE


Act Two
Index
Act Four
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