Xena kneels beside Gabrielle's dead body, the fatal pea stuck to her forehead. The Chorus enters, holds Gabrielle's finger in a candle to see if she screams and when she remains silent, shake their collective heads.
The Chorus runs over to the buffet to chow down. Ares slithers up to Xena and begins to play patty-cake with her as under:In light of this solemn occasion, we'll refrain from making any 'pea-brain' jokes and simply say, 'you wasted her, Xena.'CHORUS
I appreciate your delicacy.XENA(sarcastically)
We do our best.CHORUSHey look! Boar! Yum!(looking at the tables)
Ares pulls Xena to her feet and begins to dance with her, though it's closer to making out than dancing. Naturally, Xena is into it cuz let's face it -- Ares is HOT.You're wondering how,ARES(singing)
You killed with a pea.
Just one of those things
It once happened to me.
You were into chicks
Since you met her then...
But maybe her death
Now will make you like men.
Ares glances at Gabrielle, then returns to dancing with Xena.Hey, I'll volunteer,ARES (CONT'D)(singing)
To be your first date.
I'm handsome, a god
I'm the ultimate mate.
I know I can turn you,
You'll love being het
Don't worry about all
the fans on the net.
Xena notices Gabrielle's dead body and breaks away from Ares, who immediately begins taking a cold shower.What does that girl knowARES (CONT'D)(singing)
That I cannot do as well,
I'll even write scrolls.
Soon as I learn to spell.
I'm sure you have missed,
What a man has to give.
Forget about Gabby.
She's dead, and you live.
Let a god show you how,
To reach passionate heights.
Each day of the year,
And especially the nights...
Forget about Gabby.
Together we'll climb.
Just don't pay attention,
When I prove I'm slime.
Ares and Callisto leave together and Xena is left alone with Gabrielle's corpse.Did you have lots of fun,CALLISTO(singing)
Snorting out a pea?
Now that she's gone will you
Finally go out with me?
I know a great place for sushi and beer
So come on, my sweet...
Why the heck wasn't I this popular in high school?XENA
Hey Callisto --ARES
when I'm through showering,
how about a nice deflowering?
You're a little late,CALLISTO
but what the heck, it's a date.
Gabrielle enters from behind and looks stunned at Xena holding her dead body.I off-ed Gabrielle...XENA
The warriors and villagers disappear as well as the dead body. Xena stands up looking like a little kid who got caught shooting peas out of her nose.Oh sure. You get to play Warrior, Princess, Priestess, Tramp. I get to play Bard and Corpse. So much for my chance to stretch.GABRIELLE
Suddenly the square portal opens up.It wasn't my fault! You shoved a pea up my nose -- what was I supposed to do?XENA(guilty)
Well, that's grounds for murder. Pea-shoving.GABRIELLE
I just exhaled! Geez, I dragged you across half of Greece and it didn't seem to phase you, but one pea between the eyes and it's lights out?XENA
The portal sucks them in and we:What's that?GABRIELLE
A square portal opening up. Quite suddenly, too.XENA
They're inside a stark tower. Gabrielle is wearing a pair of Texas-style snake skin boots across her chest.
GABRIELLE just stares at her.Wow, we finally dumped the supporting cast. I'm guessing this is my chance to sing!XENA
Not yet, you don't. We have some things to work out first.GABRIELLE
For crying out loud! Again with the touchy-feely routine!XENAtine! tine! tine!(echo)
Cool...GABRIELLE(whispers)Hey! Hey! Hey!(shouts, echo)
Halooo! loo! loo!
Hyah! yah! yah!
I'm an old cowhand... and... and...XENA(singing)
From the Rio Grande... ande... ande...
What do you suppose ose ose oseGABRIELLE
is causing this is is is?
Dunno no no no.XENA
Probably the obstruction tion tion tion
of sound waves aves aves
from a reflecting ing ing ing
surface ace ace.
In this case ase ase,
marble arble arble.
Gabrielle runs off to find her stunt voice while Xena leans against a column ready to warble her heart out.Or maybe it's because ause auseXENA (cont'd)
we're not singing inging inging inging.
You go first irst irst irst.GABRIELLE
Happily, Gabrielle has raided the LES MIZ cast and found Eponine. She sticks her behind a column and gets ready to lip-synch.My nose is hurting beyond wordsXENA(singing)
My sinuses are ripped to shreds...
I've had the lousiest of weeks.
My rep is now worse than is Ted's.
No one will watch my TV show!
No movie deals will come my way!
I'm stuck here halfway 'cross the world.
For this rift someone's gonna pay!
Suddenly, the square portal appears and Dahak fire reaches out, grabbing Gabrielle.My head is hurting beyond words.GABRIELLE(singing -- hee hee)
Finding Excederin's my goal.
I've had the lousiest of weeks.
I almost lost my favorite role!Because of you this happened! Because you want the spotlight(to Xena)
You almost got me fired!
It's you who should feel guilty,XENA(singing, for real)
Because I had to drag you, I'll
no longer be admired!
If you would change the title of the show...GABRIELLE(singing)
If you would just let your perfect abs go!XENA(singing)
You are too big a star!GABRIELLE(singing)
You exercise too far!XENA(singing)
You-- You suck!GABRIELLE(singing)
No, you suck!XENA(singing)
Ya big creep!GABRIELLE(singing)
You're the creep!XENA(singing)
Do you have to say everything I say?GABRIELLE(singing)
Do you have to say everything I say?XENA(singing)
I mean it!GABRIELLE(singing)
I mean it!XENA(singing)
Cut it out, ya big baby!GABRIELLE(singing)
Cut it out, ya big baby!XENA(singing)
Xena leaps to Gabrielle's rescue but can't hold on. She grabs the fire 'arms' and is pulled in after Gabrielle as we:Not this again!GABRIELLE
Not this again!XENA
Quit repeating everything I say!GABRIELLE(as she's being dragged)
I wasn't! I changed the emphasis, didn't I?XENA
Wanna save me from Pyro-boy?GABRIELLE(conversationally)
Yeah, okay, whatever.XENA
END OF ACT THREE