Bitter Treat:
A Bitter Suite Parody
ACT FOUR
15 INT. DAHAK'S ALTAR -
DAY
"Geez, I hope this isn't my
blood.
I'm sick of being injured,
hurt, killed, yadda
yadda."
Gabrielle and Xena land in Dahak's temple. Gabrielle has
blood on her hands. Xena grabs the edge of the altar to
steady herself after zapping in, and her hands get covered
in gum that someone stuck under the edge.
XENA
(sniffing her sticky hands)
Hmmm... Zeusy Fruit.
GABRIELLE
Geez, I hope this isn't my
blood. I'm sick of being
injured, hurt, killed, yadda
yadda.
Xena tries to comfort Gabrielle (to fulfill the hurt/comfort
formula), but ends up getting the gum in Gabrielle's hair.
Trying to extricate herself, Xena gets even more stuck.
Every move she makes pulls Gabrielle's hair.
GABRIELLE
Ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow.
XENA
Sorry. Geez, I'm really
messing up everything, aren't
I? I can't do anything right.
GABRIELLE
Don't be so hard on
yourself.
Just because you dragged me
across Greece, tried to throw
me off a cliff, killed me and
got gum in my hair? That's
nothing! After all, I lied
about leaving Dahak's daughter
alive, betrayed you in Chin,
almost got you executed, sent
my evil child to hide out with
your kid which got him killed,
pushed you over a cliff and
shoved a pea up your nose.
XENA
Awww, you're so sweet for
trying to make me feel better.
Quietly, the Chorus enters and starts cutting Gabrielle's
hair to free Xena and remove the gum.
XENA (cont'd)
Thanks, guys.
CHORUS
Don't mention it. There's
some
old magazines under the altar
if you want to read while we
style...
GABRIELLE
Maybe now I can get fake
hair
like you, Xena!
XENA
Tell you what... When we
get
out of here, I'll let you play
with my hair whenever you
want... as long as you wash
your hands first.
GABRIELLE
I love you, Xena.
XENA
I'd say this rift is over.
From out of a sarcophagus comes a hooded figure.
HOODED FIGURE
No way! We have more songs
to
do! Now get angry and fast!
GABRIELLE
But...
HOODED FIGURE
No buts. Be mad or I'll
sing
the rest of the songs.
XENA
Okay, I'm ticked again.
GABRIELLE
You are?
XENA
(sotto voce)
Not really. But I've read
ahead and I finally get my
solo in a few minutes. I'm not
forfeiting that just for a
little domestic harmony.
Though I'm perfectly willing
to have a little harmony here
after Mr. Shroud has his turn.
GABRIELLE
(sotto voce)
I can live with that.
(louder)
I'm still mildly annoyed at
you, Xena!
XENA
(smiling)
And I with you. Okay,
Hoodster, hit it.
HOODED FIGURE
(furious)
You two are toying with me!!
XENA
Well what do you expect?
She's
my best friend. I can't stay
mad at her.
GABRIELLE
Yeah! What she said!
XENA
(to Gabrielle)
And you're the articulate one?
Gabrielle shrugs with a smile, grabbing Xena around the
waist. The Hooded Figure gets really ticked at this and,
naturally, begins to sing. As he does, more hooded types are
unleashed.
"This love is just a joke.
Each time you meet a bloke,
You give up, let it go,
don't remain!"
HOODED FIGURE
(singing)
You both have a reason.
To declare open season.
On your pal, on your mate,
On your friend!
Look at all you've been through:
Children, death, and men, too!
C'mon girls, give it up,
let it end!
Walk away from each other,
while you still can go.
What's the point of remaining
In this bitter tango?
XENA
Baiting. That's what we're
fighting, Gabrielle. The fact
that he's baiting us!
The other hooded types reveal themselves -- Perdicus,
Ulysses, David, Marcus, and Meleager.
GABRIELLE
Okay, hang on a second
while I
try to get the symbolism
here...
The music conveniently bridges while the Hooded Figure waits
for Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
(cont'd)
I think I
understand.
Perdicus and Ulysses -- both
are guys we almost dumped each
other for. David and Marcus --
guys we went moony over right
in front of each other. You
know, that list could be a
whole lot longer.
XENA
I think they're tokens,
Gabrielle. Symbols for the
rest. Otherwise it would cost
too much to get all those
actors in one episode.
GABRIELLE
Okay, makes sense. But
what's
Meleager doing here?
XENA
I believe he represents
your
willingness to drop me like a
hot souvlaki if something else
comes up. Like running home to
Poteidaia, or siding with him
against me when he was in
jail.
GABRIELLE
Oh yeah. That.
XENA
Hmmm... I'd almost expect
Ares
to be here. He seduces me on a
regular basis.
HOODED FIGURE
He's still on a tryst with
Callisto.
XENA
Ah. She's a hotty, it's
true.
GABRIELLE
(to the Hooded Figure)
Okay, go on with your song.
We're up to speed here.
HOODED FIGURE
Thank you.
(singing)
You both betray,
This love I hear you say.
Gabrielle ran off with Perdy.
With all the boys she was flirty.
What was that about?
Xena, you're not blameless.
Think Ulysses!
You fell for Mr. Lameness.
This doesn't sound like a pair.
Just be aware!
Gabrielle is tied to the altar while Perdicus and David come
up and flirt with her. Xena is tied to the cross while
Ulysses and Marcus stand around staring at her with lovesick
eyes.
HOODED FIGURE (cont'd)
(singing)
This love is just a joke.
Each time you meet a bloke,
You give up, let it go,
don't remain!
And when there is no man,
You still do what you can,
To give hurt, to give harm,
to give pain!
There's no point in a friendship
Without loyalty.
That's all you are is friends, right?
Set each other free!
Perd reaches over to kiss Gabrielle as Marcus goes for
Xena.
GABRIELLE
(to Perd)
No!
XENA
(screaming in horror)
Gabrielle!
(to Marcus, brightly)
Hi, Marcus!
GABRIELLE
Xena!
XENA
oops.
(to Marcus)
No!
Both men succeed and the two women look defeated in their
separate tortured places. Heart-rendingly, Xena and
Gabrielle, begin to sing:
XENA (cont'd)
(singing)
I never dreamed that we would
let the subtext die...
That all these men could come between.
GABRIELLE
(singing)
How could I've left you?
XENA
(singing)
We are together every moment, so why...
GABRIELLE
(singing)
I need to buy a clue...
XENA
(singing)
...was the danger not seen?
GABRIELLE
(singing)
It totally bites.
XENA
(singing)
We tried so hard to play to every
viewer.
GABRIELLE
(singing)
We wanted ratings growing more not
fewer!
XENA
(singing)
So we inserted the subtext.
GABRIELLE
(singing)
With each new season, let it grow.
XENA
(singing)
We touched each other every chance.
GABRIELLE
(singing)
Our smoldering looks grew blatantly.
XENA
(singing)
If we can make life like fan fic...
GABRIELLE
(singing)
With each hurt comes comforting...
XENA
(singing)
Put all our love into a glance!
GABRIELLE
(singing)
Discuss our feelings constantly!
XENA & GABRIELLE
(both singing)
Religious Right can kiss our b*tts!
We'll turn the subtext into main!
No reason we can't be in love...
And watch the 'phobes just go insane!
Their bonds let them go and one by one, the boy-of-the-week
hooded guys explode. Xena and Gabrielle embrace.
"Yeah, I heard you --
sort of a
catch phrase for you now.
Like my 'I have many skills'
thing."
XENA
Well. That should be it
then,
right?
GABRIELLE
Should be. I love you,
Xena.
XENA
Wonder how we get outta
here?
GABRIELLE
I don't know. Did you hear
me?
I said, 'I love you, Xena.'
XENA
Yeah, I heard you -- sort
of a
catch phrase for you now. Like
my 'I have many skills' thing.
GABRIELLE
(a little hurt)
Kinda...
XENA
Where's the exit? Yo!
Portal
thing! Open sesame!
Nothing happens.
XENA (cont'd)
So what's up with this? I
could've sworn we'd covered
everything.
GABRIELLE
Well... there is still
that
hooded figure floating
around...
Xena waves a hand dismissively, not really paying attention
to the Hooded Figure. Instead she starts to search for the
portal.
XENA
Come out, come out,
wherever
you are! Ollie ollie oxen
free!
GABRIELLE
Maybe we're stuck here.
Xena looks over at Gabrielle, a worried expression on her
face.
XENA
You're crying.
GABRIELLE
(wipes her eyes)
I'm just so touched by all
this love and tenderness
between us. Are you crying?
XENA
Are you injured?
GABRIELLE
No.
XENA
Then I'm not crying.
GABRIELLE
Oh... okay.
Suddenly, the portal appears. A beautiful sunny landscape
shows behind a waterfall. Solan stands alone in the area.
XENA
Solan...
GABRIELLE
Wow...
(to Solan)
Hey Solan! Is Hope there, too?
SOLAN
Nope! She's over on the
Hercules set.
GABRIELLE
Oh, okay, I'll see her
soon
enough, then.
(to Xena)
C'mon, let's go!
Gabrielle jumps through the water and gives Solan a high
five. Xena approaches, puts her hand in and removes it as if
the water was acid.
GABRIELLE (cont'd)
What's wrong?
XENA
I... I can't get through.
GABRIELLE
Of course you can! Hurry!
XENA
I can't.
Xena looks up at the hooded figure.
GABRIELLE
Not to say I told you so,
but
I'm guessing that hooded
figure is playing some part in
this.
XENA
Oh, him? That's just Ming
T'ien.
Ming T'ien reveals himself, laughing maniacally.
XENA (cont'd)
Get lost, ya buzzard. I
killed
you already.
GABRIELLE
You did?
XENA
Yeah. I lied about that.
Does
that bug you?
GABRIELLE
Nope. He deserved it.
XENA
So what's keeping me here?
Ming T'ien grumbles and slinks away, his big scene
ruined.
"Nope. He deserved it."
GABRIELLE
This is making me really
nervous. I hate being
separated from you because I
love you, Xena. In fact, I'm
crying again. Are you crying
yet?
XENA
Nope.
GABRIELLE
(a little angry)
Why not? Always the stoic
warrior. Sure, you cry if I'm
dying or something, but geez!
XENA
(realizing)
Uh oh.
GABRIELLE
What?
XENA
It's me. My warrior 'tude.
That's what's holding me back.
GABRIELLE
Fight it, Xena! Show your
emotions! Talk about your
feelings! Get vulnerable!
Xena hesitates, then gives GABRIELLE a soulful
look.
XENA
(singing)
Yes, I'll cry.
And I'll say I love you, Gabrielle.
I'll talk about my feelings,
everything there is to tell.
In a touchy-feely way,
And I'll do it well.
I've been cold.
Always played the warrior,
strong and bold.
But underneath it all I was a
great big ball of mush.
Now I'm left without an act.
And I'd like to make a pact...
I'm crying, real tears here,
got tissues?
I'm feeling, emoting, 'bout issues!
Start up a dialogue, as only you will
Let's interact, intervene and fulfill
Emote with me and you'll find out
That I'm really just a
warrior with doubt.
Gabrielle is a human waterfall. Xena turns her attention to
Solan.
XENA (cont'd)
(singing)
Hey there, Solan.
I messed up when I held my stupid tongue
My parenting just sucked, I mean,
it really blew.
Should've nurtured you.
Eh, what can ya do?
Let's emote now.
If only to avoid long therapy.
You'll whine and you'll complain
eternally, scarred and sad,
With your deceased dad,
Thinking that I'm bad.
Xena lies on a padded couch, Gabrielle pulls out a notebook
and quill.
XENA (cont'd)
(singing)
Let's all emote now!
Communicate and let your feelings show.
I'll be open,
and won't obfuscate!
We'll role play,
and word associate!
That's all we need to do.
Is to start talking, start sharing,
start feeling.
Start hoping, start caring,
start healing.
Say when you feel good, and
Say when you feel real bad.
Say when you feel smothered,
co-dependent or sad.
Just say it and you'll
find out it's true.
That you're okay and I am too!
Gabrielle taps her wrist, indicating time's up and holds out
her hand, Xena places a bunch of dinars in it. Suddenly, the
waterfall allows her inside. She passes through into
Gabrielle's arms.
"Do you need a time out,
young
man?"
SOLAN
Mother!
XENA
Hang on a sec, kid. Auntie
Gabrielle and I are sharing
some quality time here.
SOLAN
Moooo-therrrrrr!
XENA
(sternly)
Do you need a time out, young
man?
SOLAN
(shuffling feet)
No...
GABRIELLE
It's okay. You can give
him a
hug, I'll be here. I'll always
be here.
Xena smiles at Gabrielle and goes to Solan.
XENA
C'mere, ya big, dead,
bundle
of joy!
They embrace. The camera pulls back and we're:
16 EXT. BEACH - DAY
Xena and Gabrielle pull away from their embrace and stare
meaningfully at each other.
"I think there are gonna
be
a lot of firsts from now on."
GABRIELLE
We're... home.
XENA
At last.
CHORUS
Us too! Us too!
It's a wonder we got through!
The Chorus crowds around the two women who sit in the
surf.
GABRIELLE
Oh look, they can rhyme
again.
CHORUS
We can!
Oh man!
(they spot some chaise lounges)
C'mon, let's all get a tan!
XENA
Yeah, you do that. We'll
be
there in a minute.
The Chorus happily runs to the chairs, leaving Xena and
Gabrielle alone. Xena examines Gabrielle's face.
XENA (cont'd)
All those cuts -- they're
gone. Even the hole where the
pea hit you.
GABRIELLE
Thank the gods...
XENA
Hey, Gabrielle...
GABRIELLE
Yeah?
XENA
Just wanted to say...
GABRIELLE
What?
XENA
I love you, Gabrielle.
Gabrielle's eyes open wide, as she watches Xena cry.
GABRIELLE
Xena... you said 'I love
you'
first... and you're crying!
XENA
Yeah. I think there are
gonna
be a lot of firsts from now
on.
"C'mon, let's all get a tan!"
They fall back into the surf but Xena hesitates, grabs her
chakram and throws. It bounces off several rock formations
then hits all the beach chairs with the Chorus in them,
turning each chair away from the ocean view. Smiling, Xena
catches her chakram and kisses Gabrielle as we:
FADE OUT.
THE END.
