Gabrielle and Xena land in Dahak's temple. Gabrielle has blood on her hands. Xena grabs the edge of the altar to steady herself after zapping in, and her hands get covered in gum that someone stuck under the edge.Xena tries to comfort Gabrielle (to fulfill the hurt/comfort formula), but ends up getting the gum in Gabrielle's hair. Trying to extricate herself, Xena gets even more stuck. Every move she makes pulls Gabrielle's hair.Hmmm... Zeusy Fruit.XENA(sniffing her sticky hands)
Geez, I hope this isn't my blood. I'm sick of being injured, hurt, killed, yadda yadda.GABRIELLE
Quietly, the Chorus enters and starts cutting Gabrielle's hair to free Xena and remove the gum.Ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow.GABRIELLE
Sorry. Geez, I'm really messing up everything, aren't I? I can't do anything right.XENA
Don't be so hard on yourself. Just because you dragged me across Greece, tried to throw me off a cliff, killed me and got gum in my hair? That's nothing! After all, I lied about leaving Dahak's daughter alive, betrayed you in Chin, almost got you executed, sent my evil child to hide out with your kid which got him killed, pushed you over a cliff and shoved a pea up your nose.GABRIELLE
Awww, you're so sweet for trying to make me feel better.XENA
From out of a sarcophagus comes a hooded figure.Thanks, guys.XENA (cont'd)
Don't mention it. There's some old magazines under the altar if you want to read while we style...CHORUS
Maybe now I can get fake hair like you, Xena!GABRIELLE
Tell you what... When we get out of here, I'll let you play with my hair whenever you want... as long as you wash your hands first.XENA
I love you, Xena.GABRIELLE
I'd say this rift is over.XENA
Gabrielle shrugs with a smile, grabbing Xena around the waist. The Hooded Figure gets really ticked at this and, naturally, begins to sing. As he does, more hooded types are unleashed.No way! We have more songs to do! Now get angry and fast!HOODED FIGURE
No buts. Be mad or I'll sing the rest of the songs.HOODED FIGURE
Okay, I'm ticked again.XENA
Not really. But I've read ahead and I finally get my solo in a few minutes. I'm not forfeiting that just for a little domestic harmony. Though I'm perfectly willing to have a little harmony here after Mr. Shroud has his turn.XENA(sotto voce)
I can live with that.GABRIELLE(sotto voce)I'm still mildly annoyed at you, Xena!(louder)
And I with you. Okay, Hoodster, hit it.XENA(smiling)
You two are toying with me!!HOODED FIGURE(furious)
Well what do you expect? She's my best friend. I can't stay mad at her.XENA
Yeah! What she said!GABRIELLE
And you're the articulate one?XENA(to Gabrielle)
The other hooded types reveal themselves -- Perdicus, Ulysses, David, Marcus, and Meleager.You both have a reason.HOODED FIGURE(singing)
To declare open season.
On your pal, on your mate,
On your friend!
Look at all you've been through:
Children, death, and men, too!
C'mon girls, give it up,
let it end!
Walk away from each other,
while you still can go.
What's the point of remaining
In this bitter tango?
Baiting. That's what we're fighting, Gabrielle. The fact that he's baiting us!XENA
The music conveniently bridges while the Hooded Figure waits for Gabrielle.Okay, hang on a second while I try to get the symbolism here...GABRIELLE
Gabrielle is tied to the altar while Perdicus and David come up and flirt with her. Xena is tied to the cross while Ulysses and Marcus stand around staring at her with lovesick eyes.I think I understand. Perdicus and Ulysses -- both are guys we almost dumped each other for. David and Marcus -- guys we went moony over right in front of each other. You know, that list could be a whole lot longer.GABRIELLE (cont'd)
I think they're tokens, Gabrielle. Symbols for the rest. Otherwise it would cost too much to get all those actors in one episode.XENA
Okay, makes sense. But what's Meleager doing here?GABRIELLE
I believe he represents your willingness to drop me like a hot souvlaki if something else comes up. Like running home to Poteidaia, or siding with him against me when he was in jail.XENA
Oh yeah. That.GABRIELLE
Hmmm... I'd almost expect Ares to be here. He seduces me on a regular basis.XENA
He's still on a tryst with Callisto.HOODED FIGURE
Ah. She's a hotty, it's true.XENA
Okay, go on with your song. We're up to speed here.GABRIELLE(to the Hooded Figure)
Thank you.HOODED FIGUREYou both betray,(singing)
This love I hear you say.
Gabrielle ran off with Perdy.
With all the boys she was flirty.
What was that about?
Xena, you're not blameless.
You fell for Mr. Lameness.
This doesn't sound like a pair.
Just be aware!
Perd reaches over to kiss Gabrielle as Marcus goes for Xena.This love is just a joke.HOODED FIGURE (cont'd)(singing)
Each time you meet a bloke,
You give up, let it go,
And when there is no man,
You still do what you can,
To give hurt, to give harm,
to give pain!
There's no point in a friendship
That's all you are is friends, right?
Set each other free!
Both men succeed and the two women look defeated in their separate tortured places. Heart-rendingly, Xena and Gabrielle, begin to sing:No!GABRIELLE(to Perd)
Gabrielle!XENA(screaming in horror)Hi, Marcus!(to Marcus, brightly)
Their bonds let them go and one by one, the boy-of-the-week hooded guys explode. Xena and Gabrielle embrace.I never dreamed that we wouldXENA (cont'd)(singing)
let the subtext die...
That all these men could come between.
How could I've left you?GABRIELLE(singing)
We are together every moment, so why...XENA(singing)
I need to buy a clue...GABRIELLE(singing)
...was the danger not seen?XENA(singing)
It totally bites.GABRIELLE(singing)
We tried so hard to play to every viewer.XENA(singing)
We wanted ratings growing more not fewer!GABRIELLE(singing)
So we inserted the subtext.XENA(singing)
With each new season, let it grow.GABRIELLE(singing)
We touched each other every chance.XENA(singing)
Our smoldering looks grew blatantly.GABRIELLE(singing)
If we can make life like fan fic...XENA(singing)
With each hurt comes comforting...GABRIELLE(singing)
Put all our love into a glance!XENA(singing)
Discuss our feelings constantly!GABRIELLE(singing)
Religious Right can kiss our b*tts!XENA & GABRIELLE(both singing)
We'll turn the subtext into main!
No reason we can't be in love...
And watch the 'phobes just go insane!
Nothing happens.Well. That should be it then, right?XENA
Should be. I love you, Xena.GABRIELLE
Wonder how we get outta here?XENA
I don't know. Did you hear me? I said, 'I love you, Xena.'GABRIELLE
Yeah, I heard you -- sort of a catch phrase for you now. Like my 'I have many skills' thing.XENA
Kinda...GABRIELLE(a little hurt)
Where's the exit? Yo! Portal thing! Open sesame!XENA
Xena waves a hand dismissively, not really paying attention to the Hooded Figure. Instead she starts to search for the portal.So what's up with this? I could've sworn we'd covered everything.XENA (cont'd)
Well... there is still that hooded figure floating around...GABRIELLE
Xena looks over at Gabrielle, a worried expression on her face.Come out, come out, wherever you are! Ollie ollie oxen free!XENA
Maybe we're stuck here.GABRIELLE
Suddenly, the portal appears. A beautiful sunny landscape shows behind a waterfall. Solan stands alone in the area.You're crying.XENA
I'm just so touched by all this love and tenderness between us. Are you crying?GABRIELLE(wipes her eyes)
Are you injured?XENA
Then I'm not crying.XENA
Gabrielle jumps through the water and gives Solan a high five. Xena approaches, puts her hand in and removes it as if the water was acid.Solan...XENA
Wow...GABRIELLEHey Solan! Is Hope there, too?(to Solan)
Nope! She's over on the Hercules set.SOLAN
Oh, okay, I'll see her soon enough, then.GABRIELLEC'mon, let's go!(to Xena)
Xena looks up at the hooded figure.What's wrong?GABRIELLE (cont'd)
I... I can't get through.XENA
Of course you can! Hurry!GABRIELLE
Ming T'ien reveals himself, laughing maniacally.Not to say I told you so, but I'm guessing that hooded figure is playing some part in this.GABRIELLE
Oh, him? That's just Ming T'ien.XENA
Ming T'ien grumbles and slinks away, his big scene ruined.Get lost, ya buzzard. I killed you already.XENA (cont'd)
Yeah. I lied about that. Does that bug you?XENA
Nope. He deserved it.GABRIELLE
So what's keeping me here?XENA
Xena hesitates, then gives GABRIELLE a soulful look.This is making me really nervous. I hate being separated from you because I love you, Xena. In fact, I'm crying again. Are you crying yet?GABRIELLE
Why not? Always the stoic warrior. Sure, you cry if I'm dying or something, but geez!GABRIELLE(a little angry)
It's me. My warrior 'tude. That's what's holding me back.XENA
Fight it, Xena! Show your emotions! Talk about your feelings! Get vulnerable!GABRIELLE
Gabrielle is a human waterfall. Xena turns her attention to Solan.Yes, I'll cry.XENA(singing)
And I'll say I love you, Gabrielle.
I'll talk about my feelings,
everything there is to tell.
In a touchy-feely way,
And I'll do it well.
I've been cold.
Always played the warrior,
strong and bold.
But underneath it all I was a
great big ball of mush.
Now I'm left without an act.
And I'd like to make a pact...
I'm crying, real tears here,
I'm feeling, emoting, 'bout issues!
Start up a dialogue, as only you will
Let's interact, intervene and fulfill
Emote with me and you'll find out
That I'm really just a
warrior with doubt.
Xena lies on a padded couch, Gabrielle pulls out a notebook and quill.Hey there, Solan.XENA (cont'd)(singing)
I messed up when I held my stupid tongue
My parenting just sucked, I mean,
it really blew.
Should've nurtured you.
Eh, what can ya do?
Let's emote now.
If only to avoid long therapy.
You'll whine and you'll complain
eternally, scarred and sad,
With your deceased dad,
Thinking that I'm bad.
Gabrielle taps her wrist, indicating time's up and holds out her hand, Xena places a bunch of dinars in it. Suddenly, the waterfall allows her inside. She passes through into Gabrielle's arms.Let's all emote now!XENA (cont'd)(singing)
Communicate and let your feelings show.
I'll be open,
and won't obfuscate!
We'll role play,
and word associate!
That's all we need to do.
Is to start talking, start sharing,
Start hoping, start caring,
Say when you feel good, and
Say when you feel real bad.
Say when you feel smothered,
co-dependent or sad.
Just say it and you'll
find out it's true.
That you're okay and I am too!
Xena smiles at Gabrielle and goes to Solan.Mother!SOLAN
Hang on a sec, kid. Auntie Gabrielle and I are sharing some quality time here.XENA
Do you need a time out, young man?XENA(sternly)
It's okay. You can give him a hug, I'll be here. I'll always be here.GABRIELLE
They embrace. The camera pulls back and we're:C'mere, ya big, dead, bundle of joy!XENA
Xena and Gabrielle pull away from their embrace and stare meaningfully at each other.
The Chorus crowds around the two women who sit in the surf.We're... home.GABRIELLE
Us too! Us too!CHORUS
It's a wonder we got through!
The Chorus happily runs to the chairs, leaving Xena and Gabrielle alone. Xena examines Gabrielle's face.Oh look, they can rhyme again.GABRIELLE
Oh man!C'mon, let's all get a tan!(they spot some chaise lounges)
Yeah, you do that. We'll be there in a minute.XENA
Gabrielle's eyes open wide, as she watches Xena cry.All those cuts -- they're gone. Even the hole where the pea hit you.XENA (cont'd)
Thank the gods...GABRIELLE
Just wanted to say...XENA
I love you, Gabrielle.XENA
Xena... you said 'I love you' first... and you're crying!GABRIELLE
Yeah. I think there are gonna be a lot of firsts from now on.XENA
They fall back into the surf but Xena hesitates, grabs her chakram and throws. It bounces off several rock formations then hits all the beach chairs with the Chorus in them, turning each chair away from the ocean view. Smiling, Xena catches her chakram and kisses Gabrielle as we: