Whoosh! Issue 19 - April
1998


Bitter Treat:
A Bitter Suite Parody



ACT FOUR



15     INT. DAHAK'S ALTAR - DAY

First 'Les Miz', now 'JCS' -- can't they make up their
minds?

"Geez, I hope this isn't my blood.
I'm sick of being injured,
hurt, killed, yadda yadda."


Gabrielle and Xena land in Dahak's temple. Gabrielle has blood on her hands. Xena grabs the edge of the altar to steady herself after zapping in, and her hands get covered in gum that someone stuck under the edge.
XENA
(sniffing her sticky hands)
Hmmm... Zeusy Fruit.

GABRIELLE
Geez, I hope this isn't my blood. I'm sick of being injured, hurt, killed, yadda yadda.

Xena tries to comfort Gabrielle (to fulfill the hurt/comfort formula), but ends up getting the gum in Gabrielle's hair. Trying to extricate herself, Xena gets even more stuck. Every move she makes pulls Gabrielle's hair.

GABRIELLE
Ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow.

XENA
Sorry. Geez, I'm really messing up everything, aren't I? I can't do anything right.

GABRIELLE
Don't be so hard on yourself. Just because you dragged me across Greece, tried to throw me off a cliff, killed me and got gum in my hair? That's nothing! After all, I lied about leaving Dahak's daughter alive, betrayed you in Chin, almost got you executed, sent my evil child to hide out with your kid which got him killed, pushed you over a cliff and shoved a pea up your nose.

XENA
Awww, you're so sweet for trying to make me feel better.

Quietly, the Chorus enters and starts cutting Gabrielle's hair to free Xena and remove the gum.

XENA (cont'd)
Thanks, guys.

CHORUS
Don't mention it. There's some old magazines under the altar if you want to read while we style...

GABRIELLE
Maybe now I can get fake hair like you, Xena!

XENA
Tell you what... When we get out of here, I'll let you play with my hair whenever you want... as long as you wash your hands first.

GABRIELLE
I love you, Xena.

XENA
I'd say this rift is over.

From out of a sarcophagus comes a hooded figure.

HOODED FIGURE
No way! We have more songs to do! Now get angry and fast!

GABRIELLE
But...

HOODED FIGURE
No buts. Be mad or I'll sing the rest of the songs.

XENA
Okay, I'm ticked again.

GABRIELLE
You are?

XENA
(sotto voce)
Not really. But I've read ahead and I finally get my solo in a few minutes. I'm not forfeiting that just for a little domestic harmony. Though I'm perfectly willing to have a little harmony here after Mr. Shroud has his turn.

GABRIELLE
(sotto voce)
I can live with that.
(louder)
I'm still mildly annoyed at you, Xena!

XENA
(smiling)
And I with you. Okay, Hoodster, hit it.

HOODED FIGURE
(furious)
You two are toying with me!!

XENA
Well what do you expect? She's my best friend. I can't stay mad at her.

GABRIELLE
Yeah! What she said!

XENA
(to Gabrielle)
And you're the articulate one?

Gabrielle shrugs with a smile, grabbing Xena around the waist. The Hooded Figure gets really ticked at this and, naturally, begins to sing. As he does, more hooded types are unleashed.

They go on to become modern day lawyers.

"This love is just a joke.
Each time you meet a bloke,
You give up, let it go,
don't remain!"


HOODED FIGURE
(singing)
You both have a reason.
To declare open season.
On your pal, on your mate,
On your friend!

Look at all you've been through:
Children, death, and men, too!
C'mon girls, give it up,
let it end!

Walk away from each other,
while you still can go.
What's the point of remaining
In this bitter tango?

XENA
Baiting. That's what we're fighting, Gabrielle. The fact that he's baiting us!

The other hooded types reveal themselves -- Perdicus, Ulysses, David, Marcus, and Meleager.

GABRIELLE
Okay, hang on a second while I try to get the symbolism here...

The music conveniently bridges while the Hooded Figure waits for Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE (cont'd)
I think I understand. Perdicus and Ulysses -- both are guys we almost dumped each other for. David and Marcus -- guys we went moony over right in front of each other. You know, that list could be a whole lot longer.

XENA
I think they're tokens, Gabrielle. Symbols for the rest. Otherwise it would cost too much to get all those actors in one episode.

GABRIELLE
Okay, makes sense. But what's Meleager doing here?

XENA
I believe he represents your willingness to drop me like a hot souvlaki if something else comes up. Like running home to Poteidaia, or siding with him against me when he was in jail.

GABRIELLE
Oh yeah. That.

XENA
Hmmm... I'd almost expect Ares to be here. He seduces me on a regular basis.

HOODED FIGURE
He's still on a tryst with Callisto.

XENA
Ah. She's a hotty, it's true.

GABRIELLE
(to the Hooded Figure)
Okay, go on with your song. We're up to speed here.

HOODED FIGURE
Thank you.
(singing)
You both betray,
This love I hear you say.
Gabrielle ran off with Perdy.
With all the boys she was flirty.
What was that about?

Xena, you're not blameless.
Think Ulysses!
You fell for Mr. Lameness.
This doesn't sound like a pair.
Just be aware!

Gabrielle is tied to the altar while Perdicus and David come up and flirt with her. Xena is tied to the cross while Ulysses and Marcus stand around staring at her with lovesick eyes.

HOODED FIGURE (cont'd)
(singing)
This love is just a joke.
Each time you meet a bloke,
You give up, let it go,
don't remain!

And when there is no man,
You still do what you can,
To give hurt, to give harm,
to give pain!

There's no point in a friendship
Without loyalty.
That's all you are is friends, right?
Set each other free!

Perd reaches over to kiss Gabrielle as Marcus goes for Xena.

GABRIELLE
(to Perd)
No!

XENA
(screaming in horror)
Gabrielle!
(to Marcus, brightly)
Hi, Marcus!

GABRIELLE
Xena!

XENA
oops.
(to Marcus)
No!

Both men succeed and the two women look defeated in their separate tortured places. Heart-rendingly, Xena and Gabrielle, begin to sing:
XENA (cont'd)
(singing)
I never dreamed that we would
let the subtext die...
That all these men could come between.

GABRIELLE
(singing)
How could I've left you?

XENA
(singing)
We are together every moment, so why...

GABRIELLE
(singing)
I need to buy a clue...

XENA
(singing)
...was the danger not seen?

GABRIELLE
(singing)
It totally bites.

XENA
(singing)
We tried so hard to play to every viewer.

GABRIELLE
(singing)
We wanted ratings growing more not fewer!

XENA
(singing)
So we inserted the subtext.

GABRIELLE
(singing)
With each new season, let it grow.

XENA
(singing)
We touched each other every chance.

GABRIELLE
(singing)
Our smoldering looks grew blatantly.

XENA
(singing)
If we can make life like fan fic...

GABRIELLE
(singing)
With each hurt comes comforting...

XENA
(singing)
Put all our love into a glance!

GABRIELLE
(singing)
Discuss our feelings constantly!

XENA & GABRIELLE
(both singing)
Religious Right can kiss our b*tts!
We'll turn the subtext into main!
No reason we can't be in love...
And watch the 'phobes just go insane!

Their bonds let them go and one by one, the boy-of-the-week hooded guys explode. Xena and Gabrielle embrace.

Wow, this *is* a bad hair day for you!

"Yeah, I heard you --
sort of a catch phrase for you now.
Like my 'I have many skills' thing."


XENA
Well. That should be it then, right?

GABRIELLE
Should be. I love you, Xena.

XENA
Wonder how we get outta here?

GABRIELLE
I don't know. Did you hear me? I said, 'I love you, Xena.'

XENA
Yeah, I heard you -- sort of a catch phrase for you now. Like my 'I have many skills' thing.

GABRIELLE
(a little hurt)
Kinda...

XENA
Where's the exit? Yo! Portal thing! Open sesame!

Nothing happens.
XENA (cont'd)
So what's up with this? I could've sworn we'd covered everything.

GABRIELLE
Well... there is still that hooded figure floating around...

Xena waves a hand dismissively, not really paying attention to the Hooded Figure. Instead she starts to search for the portal.
XENA
Come out, come out, wherever you are! Ollie ollie oxen free!

GABRIELLE
Maybe we're stuck here.

Xena looks over at Gabrielle, a worried expression on her face.

XENA
You're crying.

GABRIELLE
(wipes her eyes)
I'm just so touched by all this love and tenderness between us. Are you crying?

XENA
Are you injured?

GABRIELLE
No.

XENA
Then I'm not crying.

GABRIELLE
Oh... okay.

Suddenly, the portal appears. A beautiful sunny landscape shows behind a waterfall. Solan stands alone in the area.

XENA
Solan...

GABRIELLE
Wow...
(to Solan)
Hey Solan! Is Hope there, too?

SOLAN
Nope! She's over on the Hercules set.

GABRIELLE
Oh, okay, I'll see her soon enough, then.
(to Xena)
C'mon, let's go!

Gabrielle jumps through the water and gives Solan a high five. Xena approaches, puts her hand in and removes it as if the water was acid.
GABRIELLE (cont'd)
What's wrong?

XENA
I... I can't get through.

GABRIELLE
Of course you can! Hurry!

XENA
I can't.

Xena looks up at the hooded figure.

GABRIELLE
Not to say I told you so, but I'm guessing that hooded figure is playing some part in this.

XENA
Oh, him? That's just Ming T'ien.

Ming T'ien reveals himself, laughing maniacally.

XENA (cont'd)
Get lost, ya buzzard. I killed you already.

GABRIELLE
You did?

XENA
Yeah. I lied about that. Does that bug you?

GABRIELLE
Nope. He deserved it.

XENA
So what's keeping me here?

Ming T'ien grumbles and slinks away, his big scene ruined.

What happens when you tick off the sfx guys.

"Nope. He deserved it."


GABRIELLE
This is making me really nervous. I hate being separated from you because I love you, Xena. In fact, I'm crying again. Are you crying yet?

XENA
Nope.

GABRIELLE
(a little angry)
Why not? Always the stoic warrior. Sure, you cry if I'm dying or something, but geez!

XENA
(realizing)
Uh oh.

GABRIELLE
What?

XENA
It's me. My warrior 'tude. That's what's holding me back.

GABRIELLE
Fight it, Xena! Show your emotions! Talk about your feelings! Get vulnerable!

Xena hesitates, then gives GABRIELLE a soulful look.

XENA
(singing)
Yes, I'll cry.
And I'll say I love you, Gabrielle.
I'll talk about my feelings,
everything there is to tell.
In a touchy-feely way,
And I'll do it well.

I've been cold.
Always played the warrior,
strong and bold.
But underneath it all I was a
great big ball of mush.
Now I'm left without an act.
And I'd like to make a pact...

I'm crying, real tears here,
got tissues?
I'm feeling, emoting, 'bout issues!
Start up a dialogue, as only you will
Let's interact, intervene and fulfill
Emote with me and you'll find out
That I'm really just a
warrior with doubt.

Gabrielle is a human waterfall. Xena turns her attention to Solan.

XENA (cont'd)
(singing)
Hey there, Solan.
I messed up when I held my stupid tongue
My parenting just sucked, I mean,
it really blew.
Should've nurtured you.
Eh, what can ya do?

Let's emote now.
If only to avoid long therapy.
You'll whine and you'll complain
eternally, scarred and sad,
With your deceased dad,
Thinking that I'm bad.

Xena lies on a padded couch, Gabrielle pulls out a notebook and quill.

XENA (cont'd)
(singing)
Let's all emote now!
Communicate and let your feelings show.
I'll be open,
and won't obfuscate!
We'll role play,
and word associate!

That's all we need to do.
Is to start talking, start sharing,
start feeling.
Start hoping, start caring,
start healing.

Say when you feel good, and
Say when you feel real bad.
Say when you feel smothered,
co-dependent or sad.
Just say it and you'll
find out it's true.
That you're okay and I am too!

Gabrielle taps her wrist, indicating time's up and holds out her hand, Xena places a bunch of dinars in it. Suddenly, the waterfall allows her inside. She passes through into Gabrielle's arms.

At least I don't grow up to become a brooding
teenager.

"Do you need a time out,
young man?"


SOLAN
Mother!

XENA
Hang on a sec, kid. Auntie Gabrielle and I are sharing some quality time here.

SOLAN
Moooo-therrrrrr!

XENA
(sternly)
Do you need a time out, young man?

SOLAN
(shuffling feet)
No...

GABRIELLE
It's okay. You can give him a hug, I'll be here. I'll always be here.

Xena smiles at Gabrielle and goes to Solan.

XENA
C'mere, ya big, dead, bundle of joy!

They embrace. The camera pulls back and we're:


16     EXT. BEACH - DAY

Xena and Gabrielle pull away from their embrace and stare meaningfully at each other.

Let me tell you about this new 'popsicle' game I learned
about...

"I think there are gonna be
a lot of firsts from now on."


GABRIELLE
We're... home.

XENA
At last.

CHORUS
Us too! Us too!
It's a wonder we got through!

The Chorus crowds around the two women who sit in the surf.

GABRIELLE
Oh look, they can rhyme again.

CHORUS
We can!
Oh man!
(they spot some chaise lounges)
C'mon, let's all get a tan!

XENA
Yeah, you do that. We'll be there in a minute.

The Chorus happily runs to the chairs, leaving Xena and Gabrielle alone. Xena examines Gabrielle's face.

XENA (cont'd)
All those cuts -- they're gone. Even the hole where the pea hit you.

GABRIELLE
Thank the gods...

XENA
Hey, Gabrielle...

GABRIELLE
Yeah?

XENA
Just wanted to say...

GABRIELLE
What?

XENA
I love you, Gabrielle.

Gabrielle's eyes open wide, as she watches Xena cry.

GABRIELLE
Xena... you said 'I love you' first... and you're crying!

XENA
Yeah. I think there are gonna be a lot of firsts from now on.

Yuck!  I've got sand in my BGSB!

"C'mon, let's all get a tan!"


They fall back into the surf but Xena hesitates, grabs her chakram and throws. It bounces off several rock formations then hits all the beach chairs with the Chorus in them, turning each chair away from the ocean view. Smiling, Xena catches her chakram and kisses Gabrielle as we:

                                     FADE OUT.

THE END
.


Act Three
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