Callisto, Ms. April

Calliso
During the 2000 California energy crisis, the civic minded Callisto sold off her excess aura at cost.
What a saint!

^[134] Ms. April has had such a convoluted history that a mere blurb will not do it justice. Let's just say her opportunities to turn bad and fun again are ticking away faster than a fake rolex fenced in the streets of NYC for $10.

Past Calendar Appearances: Callisto was Ms. April in WHOOSH's 1999 Grrlfriends of Xena Calendar issue and Ms. January in WHOOSH's 2000 Dead in the Xenaverse Calendar issue.

Trivia: Can press fabrics by her will alone

Unique Skill: Can impregnate other females

Significant Other: Xena (like WHO ELSE?)

Children: Eve (mother: Xena)

Recurring How Many Times: Perhaps one or two too many

WHOOSH!:
^[135] Callisto, you're looking radiant these days.

CALLISTO:
^[136] Let's not get into that, okay?

WHOOSH!:
^[137] It's a difficult subject to avoid. A lot of fans don't particularly care for the new you.

CALLISTO:
^[138] As if I had a choice. Look at me. All sweetness and light. I'm ruined, and all because Xena felt guilty.

WHOOSH!:
^[139] I believe she thought she was giving you redemption, returning to you the person you could have been if she hadn't gone to Cirra.

CALLISTO:
^[140] Who asked her? It's all about Xena, Xena, Xena. I open my mouth and these words come out, all sappy and sweet. I sound like blondie. I got my revenge, though.

WHOOSH!:
^[141] You did? I thought you were an angel now. Angels aren't supposed to be thinking of revenge.

CALLISTO:
^[142] I'd call Evie-girl a pretty good payback.

WHOOSH!:
^[143] Weren't you the one who said that Xena would be the perfect mother for your re-birth?

CALLISTO:
^[144] It's hard to keep a good killer down. She had to give birth to me, defend me, feed me, and what an experience that was, and then keep all those mothers from killing me after I killed their children. And to top it off, there's all that prattling about "in the name of Eli". It was almost as good as the old days, watching that. Different torture, but as much fun as ever, watching her squirm.

WHOOSH!:
^[145] How do you think Gabrielle will write about you in her scrolls?

CALLISTO:
^[146] Hard to say. She was pretty ticked about that whole Perdicorpse thing.

WHOOSH!:
^[147] His name was Perdicus.

CALLISTO:
^[148] Whatever. I did her a favor and she knows it. And I bet she misses me and those fun times with the rock slides. At least there was plenty to write about. Look who's hanging around as the bad guys now. Boring, to say the least.

WHOOSH!:
^[149] Well, Alti is still out there. And I doubt that Ares is going to stay mortal for long.

CALLISTO:
^[150] Ares? Oh, please. The brain he thinks with isn't in his head. All those threats he made? Tacky. Very tacky. All sizzle and no substance. Believe me, I know about sizzle.

WHOOSH!:
^[151] How would you like to be remembered?

CALLISTO:
^[152] As deliciously evil. There's nothing more boring than sickly goodness. Look at Evie-girl. The fans know bad girls have way more fun, and I'd like to thank them for sticking by me and overlooking this horror I've become.

WHOOSH!:
^[153] Any last words?

CALLISTO:
^[154] Tell Gabrielle Perdy says 'hi, see you soon". That'll put Xena's leathers in a twist.

Autolycus, Mr. May

Autolycus
Makes you wonder what he's up to these days

^[155] Mr. May is a happy-go-lucky thief who is constantly on the make.

Past Calendar Appearances: Autolycus was Mr. March in the 1998 Men of Xena Calendar issue.

Trivia: He has no last name

Unique Skill: Yodels

Significant Other: Had a brief encounter with a cupcake once

Children: Denies all existence

Recurring How Many Times: A lot of times!

WHOOSH!:
^[156] Autolycus, welcome and thanks for seeing me.

AUTOLYCUS:
^[157] Thank you. It's your pleasure, I'm sure.

WHOOSH!:
^[158] We haven't seen you for quite a while. Congratulations on being voted to the fan favorite list.

AUTOLYCUS:
^[159] In case you hadn't noticed, I'm dead. That puts a real crimp in even my style. It's hard to keep a good man down, though, and who really stays dead these days? I've got pull, I'll be back. I can steal a pass or something.

WHOOSH!:
^[160] Not many, that's true. In case you don't make a come-back, how would you describe your greatest moment?

AUTOLYCUS:
^[161] That's a tough one, there were so many. I'd say kissing Gabrielle and living to tell about it. Most of 'em have a nasty habit of dying.

WHOOSH!:
^[162] Do you think Gabrielle would describe it as you kissing her?

AUTOLYCUS:
^[163] Why wouldn't she? I'll have you know it's an honor to be kissed by the King of Thieves. I'm irresistible, just ask me, I'll tell you.

WHOOSH!:
^[164] If you say so. How do you feel about the possibility of Xena and Gabrielle retiring? Any thoughts on that?

AUTOLYCUS:
^[165] So Xena finally realized she's got it bad for me, huh? Too bad I'm not really available at the moment. Speaking of available, you haven't seen Velasca lately, have you?

WHOOSH!:
^[166] As far as I know, she's gone for good.

AUTOLYCUS:
^[167] Too bad. She had a bit of a temper on her, but she was fun, in a kinky kinda way. I've come up with some ideas I bet she'd get a real bang out of.

WHOOSH!:
^[168] Any words for Xena or Gabrielle or the fans?

AUTOLYCUS:
^[169] I'd like to thank the fans, and I hope I'll see them soon. Tell Xena to pack that slinky little number and she'll know where to find me. Tell Gabrielle that one word about me helping people and I'll make it my death's work to return Perdywhatsit to life. Or maybe whatwashisname...Jerkster?

WHOOSH!:
^[170] I'll pass it on. Thanks for talking with us.

AUTOLYCUS:
^[171] Oh, one last thing. Just in case things don't work out...you don't happen to know how to get to the amazon land of the dead, do you?

Joxer, Mr. June

Joxer
He's not called the "mighty" for nothing!

^[172] Mr. June is a happy-go-lucky something-or-other who is constantly bumbling into situations.

Past Calendar Appearances: Joxer was Mr. April in the 1998 Men of Xena Calendar issue.

Trivia: He has no last name

Unique Skill: Has a highly developed sense of persistence

Significant Other: Meg

Children: Virgil, Kara, and Theon

Recurring How Many Times: More than enough

WHOOSH!:
^[173] Thank you for agreeing to speak with me, Joxer.

JOXER:
^[174] Hey, no problem. It's nice that somebody wants to talk to me.

WHOOSH!:
^[175] The dinars weren't really necessary. The fans voted for you, and I'm interviewing everyone on the list. Why don't I pass them on to Meg?

JOXER:
^[175a] Good idea. I guess she could use them, what with the tavern burned down and everything.

WHOOSH!:
^[176] I'll do that. So you seem to have had a pretty successful life. Nice kids, married to Meg, your own business...

JOXER:
^[177] Well, actually the tavern was Meg's idea. I did the decorating, though. It cost a lot of dinars to pick up that stuff, but it was worth it.

WHOOSH!:
^[178] How did Meg feel about having Xena and Gabrielle memorabilia around her every day?

JOXER:
^[179] I dunno. She mostly worked in the kitchen and didn't really see it.

WHOOSH!:
^[180] How did it feel to finally tell Gabrielle about your feelings?

JOXER:
^[181] Good. Not that it lasted long. I never thought she'd believe that 'no strings" deal. Xena's always right, how come she was wrong that time?

WHOOSH!:
^[182] Maybe she knew that Gabrielle didn't love you the way you loved her, and let's be honest, you had strings.

JOXER:
^[183] She should have loved me. I tried hard, I've got a good heart, all my fans say so. It's not fair, I should have had a reward. Can I ask you a question:

WHOOSH!:
^[184] Sure.

JOXER:
^[185] Um, where am I buried? I've tried listening to just about everybody's thoughts and nobody ever seems to be thinking about it. I thought I'd go visit the old tombstone, make sure it's big enough for all the great things about me, stuff like that.

WHOOSH!:
^[186] Er, well, last I saw, you were under a bush.

JOXER:
^[187] There's a bush on my grave?

WHOOSH!:
^[188] After you died, they kind of moved you aside, tossed some greenery on you and went on with the plan.

JOXER:
^[189] Well, the heat of the moment, stay focused...so they had to go back later, no big deal.

WHOOSH!:
^[190] Actually, they didn't go back. I suppose you could say that you returned to nature.

JOXER:
^[191] In a cow manure kind of way?

WHOOSH!:
^[192] Yeah. I wanted to ask you how you'd like to be remembered.

JOXER:
^[193] Lots of ways. As long as Gabby doesn't write about spying on those young girls. Did you know they laughed at my weapon? Would you laugh at this?

WHOOSH!:
^[194] Put that back!

JOXER:
^[195] Not a sword fan, huh?

WHOOSH!:
^[196] I don't see any swords, just a small pocket knife.

JOXER:
^[197] Little Joxer's just having a bad day, that's all. Just give me a few minutes and he'll...

WHOOSH!:
^[198] Stop that!

JOXER:
^[199] Geez, you sound like Gabrielle. Meg never complained.

WHOOSH!:
^[200] Speaking of Meg, you must be proud of your children.

JOXER:
^[201] Yep, life turned out pretty well, after all. It really was hopeless, me and Gabby. What a woman needs is a good man, and Gabby already had Xena. Nobody had a chance.

Alti, Ms. July

Alti
A true party animal

^[202] Ms. July is a determined sorceress intent upon subduing Xena and Gabrielle throughout all space and time.

Past Calendar Appearances: Alti was Ms. September in the 2000 Dead in the Xenaverse Calendar issue.

Trivia: Member of the prestigious Wiley E. Coyote Think Tank

Unique Skill: Can annoy Xena at any time, anywhere where, in any reality

Significant Other: No time! Too busy pursuing the gals!

Children: No time! Too busy pursuing the gals!

Recurring How Many Times: Too complex to ascertain.

WHOOSH!:
^[203] You know, Alti, you really need to find yourself something corporeal when we have these talks. It's a bit disconcerting, talking to dis-embodied spirits.

ALTI:
^[204] Are you offering yours? We could work something out, I'm sure.

WHOOSH!:
^[205] No thanks, there's really not room for both of us.

ALTI:
^[206] I wasn't thinking about sharing. I'm evil, remember. The number one villain.

WHOOSH!:
^[207] Er, no, no you aren't. That would be Callisto. Urk...let go of my throat, please.

ALTI:
^[208] What were you saying?

WHOOSH!:
^[209] You can be number one.

ALTI:
^[210] Now isn't that better? Anyway, look what happened to Callisto. Touched by an angel and ruined forever. Xena can't handle me, I should be number one. And I'm taller than that skinny blond.

WHOOSH!:
^[211] You have the distinction of being the only villain that Xena has never defeated without assistance.

ALTI:
^[212] True. Without blondie, I'd have had her at last. I won't make that mistake again. I'll get rid of the little b*tch before Xena even knows what's happened.

WHOOSH!:
^[213] I expect you know that Xena will try and stop you.

ALTI:
^[214] I expect you know that I can move through time. Suggest anything?

WHOOSH!:
^[215] A few things I'd rather not dwell on, yes.

ALTI:
^[216] I have to hand it to Callisto. That was a stroke of genius, putting her soul into Xena's brat. Too bad I thought of it first.

WHOOSH!:
^[217] Callisto succeeded, though.

ALTI:
^[218] Yeah, with a lot of help from some dull as ditchwater god. I'm thinking more along the lines of sharing space with Gabrielle. Hope was a wanna-be, compared to what I can do.

WHOOSH!:
^[219] How do you think Gabrielle will portray you in her scrolls?

ALTI:
^[220] I don't think she likes me, do you?

WHOOSH!:
^[221] Any message you'd like to pass on?

ALTI:
^[222] Tell the fans thanks. Tell the ones who didn't vote for me that I know where they live. Tell Xena I'll be around when she least expects it. As for Gabrielle, if she thinks we shared some fun moments last time, she's gonna love our next meeting.

Cyrene, Ms. August

Cyrene
Much to Xena's annoyance, a mother always knows!

^[223] Ms. August is a inn-keeper who has had a hand full in raising that little spitfire, Xena.

Past Calendar Appearances: First time!

Trivia: She is still trying to find a "nice young man" for Xena, although she's been dead for almost a generation.

Unique Skill: Haunts her daughter from beyond the grave

Significant Other: It's Atrius, d*mm*t! Atrius! Also she may have had a fling with Ares about 9 months before Xena was born. Hmmm.

Children: Xena (father: it says Atrius on the certificate, but...), Toris, and Lyceus

Recurring How Many Times: More than enough for Xena

WHOOSH!:
^[224] It's nice to meet you at last, Cyrene. I appreciate your time.

CYRENE:
^[225] Thank you for coming. I'd like to thank the fans as well, for voting me a favorite. That doesn't happen much when you're the mother and grandmother of mass murderers.

WHOOSH!:
^[226] Pardon my bluntness, but you had a rather unusual death.

CYRENE:
^[227] That's true, dear. It shouldn't surprise anyone, though. Xena's family tends to have a high attrition rate.

WHOOSH!:
^[228] Beginning with her father. That certainly qualifies as an unusual death.

CYRENE:
^[229] Ninety-five percent of deaths happen in the home, don't they?

WHOOSH!:
^[230] I don't have the exact numbers, but I'm not sure many warriors would be included in the statistic.

CYRENE:
^[231] Our family isn't what I would describe as typical.

WHOOSH!:
^[232] Good point. Mysterious conceptions, missing brothers, multiple deaths...no, not your typical family. Would you mind if I asked you about the night Xena was conceived?

CYRENE:
^[233] You can certainly ask, but there isn't much to tell. Could it have been Ares? Yes. Could it have been another god? Yes. Could it have been Atrius sneaking home to check up on me? Yes. It doesn't really matter anymore.

WHOOSH!:
^[234] You must be very proud of all Xena has accomplished since changing her path.

CYRENE:
^[235] Yes, I am. She has a lot to make up for, but she's trying and that's all any mother can ask.

WHOOSH!:
^[236] And you have a grand-daughter.

CYRENE:
^[237] Yes, although she does seem a little odd.

WHOOSH!:
^[238] I wanted to ask about Toris. No one has seen him in quite some time.

CYRENE:
^[239] Toris wasn't too happy about the family tendency to die violently. He changed his name and moved to Athens.

WHOOSH!:
^[240] I don't know whether you've heard or not, but Xena and Gabrielle are thinking about retirement. If Gabrielle writes their memoirs, do you think you'll be favorably portrayed?

CYRENE:
^[241] I don't see why not. Gabrielle is a wonderful young woman, with a great deal of patience. Xena has these little mood swings and it's not easy to put up with her. I gave Gabrielle a few tips the last time they were here. When I was alive, that is.

WHOOSH!:
^[242] They have been together for over 5 years now. I'm sure your tips helped.

CYRENE:
^[243] I hope so, along with the little gift out of the Victorius's Secrets scroll that I gave Gabrielle for her birthday. I had to sell a lot of ale for that. The finest Corinthian leather isn't cheap, but I think it's so important to keep a relationship fresh and interesting, don't you?.

WHOOSH!:
^[244] Would you like to tell us what it was?

CYRENE:
^[245] No, I'll wait and see if Gabrielle mentions it. I doubt she will, though. The girls deserve some privacy.

WHOOSH!:
^[246] You're an unusual mother, Cyrene, and I mean that in a good way.

CYRENE:
^[247] You have to be flexible about these things, dear.

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