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Dispatches from Alex Poindexter

Uber News from Across the World
November 11, 2003

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Tuesday, November 11, 2003

By Alex Poindexter - Uber Media Writer


November 11, 2003 | Toronto, Ontario (UMR) - Xena, in her latest Uber role as Tarzan's auntie, could not save the Lord of the Jungle-that-looks-like-NYC-but-really-is-Toronto from involutary deportation to his country of origin, Australia. She plead on his behalf during the deportation hearing that, "...he is a stranger in a strange land. He does not know our ways. He cannot help but leap aimlessly from slum dwelling to slum dwelling in pursuit of his yet untried hormonal obsession."

The magistrate in the case, the Right Honorable Judge Helen Carter, was unmoved and slightly confused by the testimony. After an extended bench session with the barristers, Carter ruled, "It takes more than a hunky lad taking off his shirt and blowing around his blond mane in this city, Missy. Making moo-moo eyes at our female law enforcement officers isn't hero material. Sorry, the boy's outta here. Next case!"

The ex-Warrior Princess stood upon the courthouse steps and threatened further legal action and appeals. However, court watchers say the chances of reviving Tarzan's career in Canada are nil.

You can write Uber journalist Alex Poindexter at alexpoindexter@whoosh.org.

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