Whoosh! Myrtle had a subconscious fantasy about replacing Raymond Burr on Ironside
Lena shovels dirt onto Michael's grave

Lena Kundera

November 12, 2003

(Lena appearance)
Last update: 11/20/03

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Greenlee duPres
Ryan Lavery
Bianca Montgomery
Maggie Stone
Lena Kundera (Olga Sosnovska)
Reggie Montgomery
Erica Kane
Kendall Hart
Jackson Montgomery
Boyd Larraby
Aidan Devane
Derek Frye
Justin McCoy
Dr. Dave


Lena goes to Michael Cambias' funeral. She spits on his grave, joins in group prayer, and shovels some dirt into the grave.


From The Official Site at ABC.com:

Kendall is surprised when Lena, Myrtle, David, Opal, Mia, Simone, Brooke, Edmund, Reggie, Palmer, Ryan, Greenlee and finally Bianca arrive at Michael's funeral service. Many people eulogize Michael with words of hatred for him. Bianca thanks Michael, explaining his horrible actions made her realize how many people in her life love her. Myrtle leads everyone in a prayer.

From About All My Children

Ryan tells her [Greenlee] Kendall didn't poison him; Lena poisoned those capsules, and it was meant for Michael, not him...

Maggie looks at the newspaper as Bianca says even after Michael is 6 feet under, it isn't going to be all over until they find out who really killed him; every person she [Bianca] cares about is under suspicion-Lena and Kendall, and yesterday her Uncle Jack was even grilling Reggie because he bought a gun the night of the hearing...

Mr. Flowers comes back and says some other friends of the deceased have arrived. Kendall protests Michael doesn't have any friends. Lena and Myrtle come first, followed by David, Mia and Simone, Opal and Palmer, Brooke, Derek and Justin, Ryan, and Greenlee. Kendall tells Ryan he shouldn't be here, but he insists he told her he wouldn't let her do it alone. Bianca arrives, and the sisters look at each other...

Kendall looks at Derek and Justin before asking if anyone has any final words for Michael? Myrtle steps forward and states it's not like her to speak ill of the dead, "But you got what was coming to you, mister, and you can't frighten or scare my girls ever again! God may forgive you, but I never will!" Opal is next, saying she thought she met pure evil when she married Ray Gardner, but he managed to outdo even that sorry son of Satan! She hopes they're both fiddling on the spit right now, getting everything they deserve. Palmer says Michael offered him a devil's bargain before he died, and it looks like he found one! Lena comes forward and spits on the grave. Erica is next, and says Michael didn't win! His hatred destroyed him, not them; she wishes they could bury their memories of him with a few shovels of dirt, but in time they will forget him. His life was a travesty, his death a triumph; it just didn't come soon enough. David takes a flask from his pocket as he says he wanted Michael to live to take a few swigs of his special scotch so they could all watch him suffer the consequences. He would have enjoyed that, but Michael had to go get himself killed instead, so now he drinks a toast to his murder instead. He takes a swig, and Mr. Flowers sighs he could use some of that! Ryan is the next to speak. He tells Michael they never met, but he had the honor of getting to know his father, "You know, not many parents wish that their child had never been born. He tried to love you, but how could he, considering you had killed the child that he did love, and then ultimately you killed him-you literally broke his heart. So, Michael, add your father's death to the list of sins, and be punished for it." To everyone's surprise, Bianca steps forward and speaks, "Michael, I want to say thank you for the gift that you have given me." ...

From Soap Slut

Ah, the funeral. Everybody who hated *sscicle shows up for it. Even Brooke, which puzzles me (though hey, Julia Barr’s onscreen again, not complaining) and Lena too. The h***? Wasn’t she in jail? When asked if anyone has anything to say about *sscicle, there’s practically a free-for-all of people dying to diss him. Lena spits on the casket, heh. Then Bianca—dear God, I can’t believe they wrote it this way—actually thanks him. For showing her how much people really love her. Dude, there are many more painless and less traumatic ways for you to have learned that, Binks.


This all gay recap is by C.K..
Read all the All Gay Re-caps at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheAllGayRecap/.

Lena parts are indicated in red for those who only want a Lena fix

The Set-Up – Adam follows sailors in every port and finds Babe.

At the cemetery, Kendall – ok, I can’t. I’m sorry, but I’m simply too busy laughing at that d*** hat: what is she supposed to be, a Pilgrim?

Erica and her newly unburied rape hair show up to demand Michael not be buried next to St. Mona of Assisi and yanks the pearls from Kendall’s neck. I laugh last.

The Cemetery – Gil tries to make sense of Erica and comes up with "sometimes, the bereaved lose control."

Obviously, Gil has never met Erica and doesn’t know the words "Erica" and "lose control" are never separated by "sometimes."

Aidan says something to Kendall that’s wink wink, nudge nudge about Michael not really being in the casket, but then he turns to walk away and I just admire his b***. 

Erica continues to blame Kendall and is convinced she purposely chose to have Michael buried near St. Mona.

Erica: "She’s doing it for show."
Jack: "Erica, nobody is here."
Erica: "Well, then she’s doing it for the press."
Jack: "Again, Erica: we’re the only people here."
Erica: "This is all a show!"
Jack: "For whom?  No one is here!"
Erica: "Well, then it’s to get Michael’s money."
Jack: "No, that’s not it, either, because Michael died before Alexander."
Erica: "Are you going to shut up and let me rant in peace? I don’t feel this scene is contrived enough!"
Jack: "Yes dear."

Portia’s Studio – A reporter asks Bianca for comment on Michael’s funeral; Maggie provides a quote, but the righteous indignation is just not enough, so Bianca adds a few choice words of her own.

Bianca: "I think it’s very sad. I think it is extremely sad that some people’s lives are so empty, so shallow that they get their kicks by invading other people’s privacy. […]"

Clap, clap, clap. I am so moved. To turn off my TV.

The Landfill – Oh, look: it’s Reggie’s gun. Will someone see it? Will anyone stumble over it? Will Maggie trip over it, touch it, leave her prints on it and be charged for Michael’s murder? Will anybody care?

Oh, and Boyd is there to perform his monthly dumpster duties. Nice hair, pretty boy: was a rooster involved?

Adam’s Crib – Adam threatens to tell J.R. the specifics of how Babe "entertained" the troops while in San Diego, but offers to leave all details out in exchange for her swift departure.

So, Babe is not only trashy, but a tramp? Thanks for clarifying because, after she slept with Jamie, I still wasn’t sure she'd qualify for the bon vivant title.

The Cemetery – J.R. shows up to support Kendall and tells her Babe reminds him of her. I’m pretty sure we can sue for slander, but let me check Jack’s books.

One by one, Michael’s "friends" arrive: Lena files in with Myrtle, followed by David, Mia and Simone, Palmer, Opal, Brooke, Reggie, Derek and TarzanLite, Ryan, Greenlee, Palmer – and Bianca.

Hey, almost the entire town is here: what, did somebody die?

Maggie arrives, too, and is instantly blamed by Erica for having allowed Bianca to attend the funeral.

Bianca: "Mom, please: don’t blame Maggie. She’s not my babysitter."

Are you sure? ‘Cause she’s a baby and she sits an awful lot. Oh, wait, my mistake: she’s standing.

Everyone has some final words for Michael, of curse – except for Lena, who opts for the best possible send-off and simply spits on the casket.

The music gets all stupid and meaningful for Bianca’s eulogy, a disgraceful soliloquy of thanks to the man who raped her for showing her just how much she’s loved. Bianca, the people in your life have triple axeled and quadruple toe looped their way to you day in and day out to show you just how much they love you, so, really, shut up. Just when I thought AMC could not possibly sink any lower, a tenth circle of Hell opens to make space for yet another humiliation suffered by rape victims: "I’d like to thank my rapist. Without him, I would not be pregnant now and I wouldn’t know the depth of the feelings those around me have for me. So, thank you for showing me love and for helping me heal, Mr. Rapist: you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me." This entire scene was so disgusting I have no words children can read to describe it, but I am going to send it to hell and tell it and the writers to fuck off: as it is, the only thing that's missing is a soldier playing Taps.

After months of being buried under a shower of Bianca’s rape is a love story! Love conquers all! Love heals all wounds! Triumph over adversity! anvils, we get a prayer circle to praise Saint Bianca, Patron of Pain and Suffering and Bearer of All That Is Good and Holy. The only thing that saved it was Lena and Maggie holding hands.

As Sugarbabes’Stronger plays on and under Myrtle’s watchful gaze, everyone takes a turn shoveling dirt on the casket – because Michael? He’s dirt. And Bianca? She’s getting stronger. And Erica? She has Mona’s pearls back. And Kendall? She’s thankful. And Gil? He’s the best food critic/funeral director ever. And the writers? They’re the biggest bunch of scumbags ever assembled in one room, Nixon’s first Cabinet included.

Oh, and in case you care, Bianca faints - again: too much thankfulness can get to a girl.

The Last Scenes – At Adam’s, Babe refuses the bribe and reveals she has something on both Adam and Erica and no, it’s not good taste.

At the landfill, Aidan finds the .38 and his eyes can’t stop making sweet, sweet love to it.

At Jack’s, Erica says that Bianca "is a strong, young woman" with such exasperation that I think she might be drunk. When she and Greenlee agree that "Kendall has to be stopped," I wonder whether I’m the one who’s drunk.

At the cemetery, Ryan finds Bianca’s sonogram picture.  Aww, look: Binky brought the baby picture to meet its daddy! How insignificantly symbolic!

TOMORROW ON ALL MY CHILDREN: J.R. thinks he’s found the cow thief; David tells Aidan to back off; Greenlee and Erica want to stop Kendall; Ryan asks Bianca if she’s pregnant.


This parody is by LizzieT.

Adam tried again to get Babe to leave town.
Adam: I have proof here that you were having an affair back in San Diego.
Babe: With who?
Adam: The seventh fleet.
Babe: Your detective is so wrong. It was with the sixth fleet.
Adam: Let's not quibble. I'll try once more to pay you to leave JR. If you leave I won't tell him about your naval experience.
Babe: If you tell JR I was doing the Navy I'll tell the police you and Erica Kane were...you know.
Adam: How did you know about ....you know?
Babe: I think the better question would be why did the writers think the audience would find this scene interesting today?
Adam: They didn't. It's just their way of getting back at people who complain about too much time being spent on the Michael Cambias story.

The cemetery was the place to be.
Erica: How could you do this Kendall? How could you bury Michael so close to my mother?
Kendall: Well....
Erica: A likely story! You did this just to hurt me didn't you?
Kendall: I....
Erica: I don't believe a word of it. I knew I should never have trusted you.
Jack: I don't think she....
Erica: Don't you start! :::fans herself:::Is it hot out here to anyone else?
JR: Hello Kendall.
Kendall: JR! You've changed...again.
JR: I had to be here for you the way you were there for me when my mom died. Of course I didn't think we really hooked up until Ryan left and I think he was still here when my mom died but you know what I mean.
Kendall: I hear you got married.
JR: Yes. She reminds me of you - except those message board people like you a whole lot better.
Funeral Director: We need to begin the service now. Will the rest of the cast please come forward?
Kendall: Why are all these people here?
Mia: I came to support you - even though I've been badmouthing you behind your back.
Greenlee: I came to see what Ryan is up to.
Simone: I was hoping to run into Tad.
Derek: I came hoping you'd throw yourself on the grave and confess to murdering him. I want to wrap this case up. My dry erase markers for the flow chart are running out of ink.
Brooke: The Back Burner Cafe is closed to be repainted so a bunch of us came here instead.
Kendall: I guess we'd better have a service then. Do you have anything prepared?
Funeral Director: No. I guess I could read some scripture. ::::Lightning strikes::::thunder crashes::::earth trembles::::
Funeral Director: Or not.
Kendall: Maybe everyone could say their final goodbyes to Michael.
Myrtle: Farewell you #%&(&^*.
Opal: So long you sorry son of a Siberian biscuit eater.
Lena: You Americans use words when a simple gesture is sufficient.:::phtttt::::
Palmer: How elegant. Back in Pigeon Hollow we would...well, lets just say we would leave a calling card on the grave of someone like you, Michael.
David: I was hoping you would live long enough to drink my castration drug. Oh well:::drinks from flask::::
Crowd :::gasp::::
David: Don't worry. It's just ginger ale.
Erica: Good riddance Michael. In years to come when we discuss the great villains like Billy Clyde Tuggle and Ray Gardner, you won't be mentioned. Soon your picture will be removed from the opening credits and it will be like you never existed.
Bianca: Golly gee everyone. Don't be such Gloomy Guses. Good can come from bad and light can come from darkness. I want to say one thing to all of you. I just feel that love is in the air, everywhere I look around. Love is in the air, every sight and every sound. I don't know if I'm being foolish, I don't know if I'm being wise. But it's something that I must believe in and it's there when I look in your eyes.

Meanwhile Tad, Aidan, and Boyd had their own plans for Michael.
Tad: This is where he belongs. Here at the city dump.
Aidan: Oi'm glad we thought of bringing im ere. Though Oi'm not sure just ow it is that the three of us ended up doing it.
Boyd: I was glad to help. I'm glad of any chance I get for a little screen time.
Tad: I'll just have a little chat with the corpse. So how's it going Mikey? Enjoying the afterlife in Hell? Have you met my father Ray Gardner yet? Maybe that's why I seem so personally involved in this story - because you remind me of Ray. Otherwise I can't figure out what the heck I'm doing here.
Aidan: You lads run along now. Oi'll just stigh ere a minute and - Blimey! Oi found a gun. Oi wonder if it's one of the guns whot is missing in the Moichal murder. Oi knew Oi'd foind some evidence if Oi kept at it.

Back at the graveside.
Bianca: :::clunk:::::
Baby: There she goes again. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.
Kendall: Bianca! Are you all right?
Bianca: Yes. Just don't look in my handkerchief whatever you do!
Ryan: You mean this handkerchief? What is this? A sonogram?
Baby: Great. For someone who's trying to keep me a secret, she might as well take out a billboard. Who carries a sonogram around with them anyway? Let's see how she gets out of this one.


Greenlee: Look at this -- kendall wants to have a fancy funeral for michael. A proper burial, a shiny casket, tons and tons of flowers, the whole nine yards.
Ryan: Well, what, do you want her to throw him back in the freezer?

Mr. Flowers: I could use some of that.


Unverified in non-clip parts

***** (clip a) [Ryan tells Greenlee that clip poisoned the pills not Kendall (no Lena)]

greenlee: Look at this -- kendall wants to have a fancy funeral for michael. A proper burial, a shiny casket, tons and tons of flowers, the whole nine yards.
Ryan: Well, what, do you want her to throw him back in the freezer?
Greenlee: It's a farce. No one wants to pay their respects to him.
Ryan: Well, then no one's going to show up.
Greenlee: She's demented! She barely just got out of jail for poisoning you.
Ryan: Actually, she didn't poisoned me. Lena was the one that poisoned those capsules, and it was meant for michael, not me.
Greenlee: She's still the number one suspect in michael's murder.
Ryan: Yeah, until somebody better comes along.
Greenlee: Well, now she's playing the grieving widow. Doesn't that show you a sick and twisted mind?
Ryan: Well, I'm just not sure whose.
Greenlee: Well, you just came from her. I mean, you ran to her rescue when she got hauled in for handing you those pills. How did she seem to you?
Ryan: Wait a minute. When we were in the hospital, weren't you telling me what kind of good friends you were and how you understand each other? Why don't you ask kendall what's going on with her and leave me out of it.
Greenlee: She's totally spinning out of control. I'm afraid to go near her.
Ryan: You afraid. Please. Greenlee, tell me what's really going on here.
Greenlee: Look, I do care about kendall. So, I thought since you and I are friends --
ryan: Which is why you threw the bedpan at me in the hospital.
Greenlee: I was stressed about juan pablo ditching me. Sorry I took it out on you.
Ryan: Yeah, so am I.
Greenlee: But now I know that he's not worth all that angst. You helped me see that.
Ryan: Always glad to be of service to a beautiful woman.
Greenlee: That whole trust thing that you were talking about at the hospital -- it's warped the way you and I trust the same people over and over. Juan pablo's a user, an opportunist, a total commitment-phobe.
Ryan: Yeah, I could say i told you so, but --
greenlee: Well, no, I didn't want to believe it. I didn't. I wanted to trust him. I thought he could change -- to think that could happen. Well, you know what i'm talking about. You've been there.
Ryan: Me and kendall.
Greenlee: Exactly. Kendall and juan pablo are pretty much the same -- superficial, manipulative. Kendall's engaged and she turns to aidan, her self-appointed bodyguard.
Ryan: Ok, where are you going with this, greenlee?
Greenlee: Ok, forget about the past. Forget about our history with juan pablo and kendall. What i really want to know is what's up with kendall right now.
Ryan: You want to know what's up with kendall? The medical examiner has narrowed down michael's time of death.
Greenlee: Jackson told me.
Ryan: Yeah, and if it stands up in court, it means that kendall married a corpse.
Greenlee: And it means that you win everything -- chandler enterprises, enchantment, fusion.
Ryan: It also means that kendall loses her alibi, and if kendall didn't mary michael, the cops are going to be halfway to proving that she killed him. Now, i don't know about you, but I don't want to see kendall doing 25 years.
Greenlee: I don't, either.
Ryan: Of course, she is still one step ahead of them. I mean, the funeral was a very smart idea. Imagine what it would have looked like if she didn't have one.
Greenlee: Right. So, did kendall tell you her survival strategy the last time you were with her?
Ryan: Actually, she told me to go to h***. Now, if you're finished picking my brain, greenlee, there's someplace that i got to be.
Greenlee: And I bet I know where that someplace is.

***** (clip b) [Bianca refers to Lena as someone she cares about (no Lena)]

Reporter: You remember michael cambias, don't you, the man you accused of rape? Don't you want to see him put into the ground, maybe give your sister a little hug in her grief? Any comment at all?
Maggie: No, she does not wish to make a comment, but i do! Get out or i'm calling the cops!
Reporter: Now, wait a second --
bianca: Yeah, you know what, maggie? It's ok, it's ok. Actually, I do have something to say. I think it's very sad. I think it is extremely sad that some people's lives are so empty and so shallow that they get their kicks by invading other people's privacy. Does it make you feel proud? Does it fill the void? Or at the end of the day, when you look in the mirror, do you still see the small, empty, pathetic slug that you are?
Maggie: That was awesome. I think I just saw him shrink at least three inches.
Bianca: If only. Maybe a couple more choice words and he would have completely disappeared.
Maggie: No, you are getting tough, girl, and i love it.
Bianca: It's about time, huh?
Maggie: Whoa -- wait. What the heck is this?
Bianca: It's for the baby. When i was real little, my mom and my grandma always had the most beautiful holiday decorations from when grandma was a little girl. And every year, I couldn't wait to put them up.
Maggie: I never celebrated holidays. No, my mother had a drinking schedule to maintain.
Bianca: You know what, maggie? I'm going to make sure that you forget all about that. I mean it. Come on. Halloween is over. There is no haunting allowed anywhere in this house, ok?
Maggie: Ok. I'll work on it.
Bianca: Gobble, gobble. You know, honey, we're going to have the best thanksgiving and christmas ever. And you are not going to believe how spectacular this place is going to look when i'm done with it.
Maggie: You mean you're starting this now?
Bianca: Absolutely. I know it's kind of early, but why the heck not? Besides, i need to do something to keep myself busy.
Maggie: So, what are we waiting for?
Bianca: You know, even after michael is six feet under, this isn't going to be over. Not until they find out who really killed him.
Maggie: Do you want them to?
Bianca: At this point, every person that I care about is under suspicion for his murder. Lena and kendall. Yesterday, uncle jack was even grilling reggie.
Maggie: Reggie? Why reggie?
Bianca: Well, the night of the hearing, reggie bought a gun.
Maggie: Oh, my -- did he use it?
Bianca: I threw it away while reggie was sleeping.
Maggie: You threw -- I mean -- in a wastebasket? I mean, someone's going to find it.
Bianca: No. In a dumpster. This investigation may drag on for months, but at least we know that reggie's gun is long gone.

***** (clip c) [Lena arrives at Michael's funeral]

[amc031112c starts]
[The attendees of the funeral start to arrive: Lena, Myrtle, Dr. Dave, Mia, Simone, Palmer, Brooke, reggie, Derek, Justin, and Ryan]
Kendall: Ryan, you shouldn't be here.
Ryan: I told you i wouldn't let you do it alone.
[Bianca arrives]

***** (clip d) [Lena spits on Michael's grave & Bianca thanks Michael]

[amc031112d starts]

Kendall: Well, does anybody have any final words for michael?
Myrtle: As a matter of fact, I do. It's not like me to speak ill of the dead, but you got what was coming to you, mister. And now you can't frighten or scare my girls ever again. God may forgive you, but I never will.
Opal: I thought I'd met pure evil when I married ray gardner. You managed to outdo even that sorry son of satan. Well, I hope you're both sizzling on the spit right now, getting everything you deserve.
Palmer: You offered me a devil's bargain before you died, michael. Well, it looks like you found one with old beelzebub himself. You two were meant for each other. It's so nice you finally met.
[Lena spits on Michael's grave]
Erica: You didn't win, michael. Your hatred destroyed you, not us. I wish that we could bury our memories of you with a few shovels of dirt. But in time, we will forget you. I swear we will. Your life was a travesty, your death, a triumph. It just didn't come soon enough.
David: Personally, I wanted you to live. I wanted you to take a few swigs of my special scotch so that we can all watch you suffer the consequences. Now, that I would have enjoyed. But things don't always work out the way I'd like them to. You had to go get yourself killed instead. So, now, I take a toast to your murderer instead.
Mr. Flowers: I could use some of that.
Ryan: We never met, but I had the honor of getting to know your father. You know, not many parents wish that their child had never been born. Well, you made him wish that. He tried to love you, but, of course, how could he considering you helped kill the child that he did love and then ultimately you killed him. You literally broke his heart. So, michael, add your father's death to your list of sins and be punished for it.
Mr. Flowers: If everybody has spoken, I'll conclude with a reading.
Bianca: No, not yet.
Erica: Bianca, no.
Bianca: No. Michael, I want to say thank you. Thank you for the gift that you have given me.

***** (clip e) [Bianca finishes her graveside speech as Lena watchs on]

[amc031112e starts]
Bianca: You know, for so long, all i could think about was what you took from me on that horrible night. And all I could see and feel and taste and touch was your rage and my fear and the pain. And I thought that those feelings might be with me forever. But then something happened, and in one moment, i started to see past the terror and the hurt. And what i saw -- it saved my life. I saw love and all the people in my life offering up their love to me in so many different ways. And with every hug and with every kind word, you -- you helped bring me out of the darkness and away from the pain. I've always known that i was loved. But not like i do now. And I never really understood the power that love has to heal. But now I know. And not only that, I'm proof of it.

***** (clip f) [Myrtle says a prayer and Lena finds herself in a song montage burying Michael]

[amc031112f starts]
Myrtle: I would like to say a prayer. Could we -- could we all join hands? Dear god, today, bianca stood before us and gave us hope. In spite of the terrible pain that michael cambias inflicted on this lovely young girl, her family, her friends, she was able to reach deep into her heart and find love. God, let us take bianca's brave words to heart. Let us all find the strength to heal.
Bianca: Amen.
Erica: Amen.
Kendall: Amen.
Singer: I'll make it through the rainy days i'll be the one who stands here longer than the rest when my landscape changes rearranges i'll be stronger than i've ever been no more stillness more sunlight everything's going to be all right
singers: I'm all alone and finally i'm getting stronger
singer: Stronger stronger
singers: You'll come to see
singer: Come to see
singers: Just what i can be
singer: What I can be
singers: I'm getting stronger
singer: Stronger stronger, stronger
singers: You'll come to see
singer: Come to see
singers: Just what i can be
singer: What I can be
singers: I'm getting stronger
singer: Stronger stronger, stronger
kendall: Thank you.


I have the following clips (incompletes are arked "inc"):
amc031112c.mpg (12.5m; 1:13) Lena arrives at Michael's funeral
amc031112d.mpg (34.7m; 3:24) Lena spits on Michael's grave & Bianca thanks Michael
amc031112e.mpg (27.4m; 2:41) Bianca finishes her graveside speech as Lena watchs on
amc031112f.mpg (22.1m; 2:09) Myrtle says a prayer and Lena finds herself in a song montage burying Michael

I am eliciting volunteers to host the clips throughout the web. If you have 5-100megs of space you can lend to this project, please let me know!

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