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Edition Take a Journey Through Tartarus!


“The Green-Eyed Monster”  Episode 44/307


Men’s Voices:  “A finer beauty _never_ walked the Earth!  She’s a
rare flower.”  “If she were mine, I’d kiss the ground she walked

Woman:  “Hi!”

A Woman’s Voice:  “Hi.”

Pelops:  “Where is she?!  Where’s my Psyche?!  Which way?!

Holidus [Hol]:  “It’s OK-- you can come out now.”

Another Woman:  “Pelops!  When I get my hands on you!  You--
you’ve got a lot of nerve, showing your face in public.”

Hol:  “Excuse us.  We had an agreement, Psyche-- not during the
day, remember?”

Psyche:  “I’m sorry, Father, but I felt like a prisoner in there.
I had to get out.”

Hol:  “Let’s just go.”

Man’s Voice:  “It’s her-- wonder of wonders.  It’s true.  Dear
lady-- these eyes have feasted upon the most magnificent
creatures on Earth.  But never-- never have they seen your match.
I am truly your servant.  How much do you want for her?”

Psyche:  “What?”

Hol:  “You don’t understand, sir-- my daughter is not for sale.”

Man:  “Of course, she’s not.  So, what’ll it be?”

Man’s Voice:  “A thousand dinars?  Two thousand?”

Thug:  “Come on, Cupid.  Get it over with.  Let’s have a toga

Man:  “Just name your price.  Now, if he won’t sell, I want you
to-- ”

Thugs:  “Toga!  Toga!  Toga!”

Man:  “Come here, Bartolemus.  You have _the_ most beautiful

Bartolemus:  “But, this is so sudden!”

Man:  “Wait!  Come back!”

Thug:  “I don’t get it.  I thought you were supposed to shoot the

Cupid:  “Yeah, well, there’s been a change of plan.  Let’s get
outta here.  Mom-- ”

Aphrodite [Aph]:  “Uh-huh-- it’s never taken you two weeks to get
a job done-- and now when I come to see what’s up, you miss a
clean shot?  You better have an explanation, Junior.”

Cupid:  “Yeah, well, I got one.  I’m sick of doing your dirty
work.  I’ve got a life of my own, you know?”

Aph:  “Aww, it seems like just yesterday, you were fluttering
around with those _chubby_, pink cheeks and those cute little
wings.  [Sighs]  And now, look at you.  Tell you what--  just do
this one gig for me-- and then we’ll talk.  Deal?”

Cupid:  “No deal.  From now on-- I’m my own boss.”

Aph:  “Wait!  Don’t be stupid, cupid.”

Cupid:  “Later.”



H:  “Fighting, fighting-- fighting!  Don’t you _ever_ get tired
of this immature behavior?!  Well, well, well-- if it isn’t my
_favorite_ little sister.  I suppose this is your doing.”

Aph:  “Uh!  Herc-- you know how much I hate fighting.  ‘Make
love, not war’-- that’s my motto.”

H:  “Mm-hmm.  Aphrodite-- what do you want?”

Aph:  “OK, there is this one little favor I need?  It’s Cupid.
He’s been hanging with a really bad crowd.  I’m worried he’s
headed for trouble.”

H:  “So, you want me to talk to him.”

Aph:  “Well, you are his favorite Uncle.  And he won’t listen to
me, that’s for sure.”

H:  “Uh-- can I talk to him later?  I’m a little busy right now.”

Aph [Laughs]:  “What, this?  Stand back.  Excuse me, boys?  Can I
have your attention, please.”

H:  “You’re losing your touch.”

Aph:  “As if!”  [Flashes soldiers]

Soldiers:  “Oh.”  “Hmm.”

Aph:  “There.  Can we go, now?”

H:  “I can’t believe I’m related to her.”



Cupid:  “Hercules-- all the years I was growing up, the only time
I ever saw Mom was when she wanted me to make some stupid mortals
fall in love.  Well, some of them need my help; some don’t.
Either way, I’m sick of it.”

H:  “But Cupid, it-- it is your job.”

Cupid:  “Yeah, OK, OK.  I’ll get to the point.  Two weeks ago,
she shows up out of the blue and says she wants me to make some
girl-- fall in love with a toad.  Now, you tell me-- what’s that
all about?”

H:  “Who is this girl?”

Cupid:  “Well, she’s, uh-- she’s different--  you know?  She’s,
uh-- gorgeous-- really.  Anyway, as soon as I saw her, I-I knew
the whole thing was bogus.  Her name’s Psyche.”

H:  “Psyche?  The daughter of Holidus, the innkeeper?”

Cupid:  “Do you know her?”

H:  “Yeah, when she was a kid.  Does she still live in Malidon
with her father?”

Cupid:  “Yeah.”

H [Whispers]:  “Yeah.”

Cupid:  “Wha-- well, what are you gonna do?”

H:  “Uh-- talk to your mother-- for starters.  Oh, and I was
supposed to tell you to-- try to-- stay out of-- trouble-- OK?”

Cupid:  “I gotcha, Uncle Herc.”

H [Whispers]:  “OK.”

Cupid:  “Hey, you know something?  You’re almost cool.”

H:  “Thanks-- I think.”

Cupid:  “What are you knuckleheads doing?”


H:  “Just the person I was looking for.”

Aph:  “You call that talking to him?”

H:  “Mmm.”

Aph:  “You saw the kind of life he’s leading.  Why didn’t you do

H:  “Like what?”

Aph:  “I don’t know-- whatever.  I don’t care.  Just-- get him in
line.  If you can’t do it, who can?”

H:  “Maybe, no one.  In case you haven’t noticed, he’s a grown
man.  Tell me something, Aphrodite-- your only concern here is
your son, right?”

Aph:  “Absolutely.”

H:  “And the fact that Psyche’s beautiful-- that doesn’t bother

Aph [Laughs]:  “What, do you think I’m jealous of a mortal?

H:  “Well-- now that we’ve cleared that up-- then you don’t--
need me, anymore.”

Aph:  “Wait, you’re you just gonna walk away?  Some role model
you are.”

H:  “Later.”


Thugs’ Voices:  [Mostly incomprehensible]  “When I get free, I’ll
show ya.”  “Pay attention-- ”

Aph:  “It’s Psyche, isn’t it?”

Cupid:  “Just leave me alone, would you, Mom?”

Aph:  “I hate to see you looking so sad.”

Cupid:  “Well, how do you expect me to feel?!”

Aph:  “Cupid-- I have told you time and time again-- ‘Mess around
with mortals all you want-- that’s what they’re there for.  But
whatever you do, don’t fall in love.’”

Cupid:  “Well, why not?”

Aph:  “Because it can’t work.  Believe me, I know.  Uh!  Just zap
the chick, so she’ll fall in love with somebody else, please?!
It’s the only way you’re ever gonna be happy.”


Men’s Voices:  “A girl as fine as that-- you can’t buy with
gifts.”  “Watch me.  I’ll win her heart.”


Entrepreneur:  “Buy a map to Psyche’s house.  Come on-- you won’t
be sorry.  There you go, sir.”

Man:  “Here, thank you.”

Entrpreneur:  “Thank you.  Buy a map to Psyche’s house.”


Salmoneus [Sal]:  “Step right up!  Get ‘em while their fresh and
dewy!  Two, four, six, eight-- flowers help ya pollinate!
Gooooo, romance!”

H:  “That’s very catchy.”

Sal:  “Hercules!  What a pleasant surprise!”

H:  “Mm-hmm.”

Sal:  “Hold down the fort.  Whoa-ho-- you got it _made_, my
friend.  I mean-- Psyche’s not gonna choose anybody over you.”

H:  “That’s not what I’m here for.”

Sal:  “Yeah-- don’t kid a kidder.  Hey.  What’s it gonna take to
make the deal?  Huh?  We have roses.  We have lillies--
impatiens.  Impatient, huh?  Uh.  I know-- a mixed bouquet.”

H:  “Salmoneus, you’re taking advantage of all these men.”

Sal:  “No, I’m keeping their dreams alive.  He-he-he.  Now-- I’ll
letcha have this bunch-- for two dinars-- and a deal on the
wedding.  That’s half my normal price.”

H:  “Ah-- thanks, but I’m here to-- talk to Psyche?  And I think
I know where I can find her.”

Sal:  “Yeah, I’m sure you do.  Hercules-- I haven’t seen this
Psyche, yet-- but I gather she makes Aphrodite look like a
bow-wow.  You know what I mean?”

H:  “If I were you, I would-- be careful.”

Sal [Chuckles]:  “‘Careful’-- don’t pay the rent, my friend.”

Aph:  “A ‘bow-wow’, huh?”


Holidus [Hol]:  “Whoever you are, we’re closed.  And my daughter
is not receiving any visitors.”

H:  “Even if it’s an old friend.”

Hol:  “Hercules!”

H:  “Holidus, how are you?”

Hol:  “Oh.”

Psyche:  “Daddy, did you say-- ?  Hercules-- it _is_ you.  It’s
so good to see you!”

H:  “Psyche-- the last time I saw you, you were this tall, with
pigtails and freckles, and all you cared about was climbing

Hol:  “You know-- well, she’s still climbing them.”

Psyche:  “Well, sometimes it’s the only way to escape.”

H:  “I-- can believe it.”

Psyche:  “Well, you haven’t changed.  You’re still the world’s
bravest-- best-looking hero.  So, you have to tell me-- what’s it
like fighting the Hydra-- or Echidna, the mother of _all_
monsters?  How did you get rid of her?”

H:  “Well-- actually, I didn’t-- you see, what happened-- ”

Psyche:  “Oh-- you’re just as modest as ever.  It’s good to see
you, Hercules.”

Hol:  “Yes.  So, how long can you stay with us?”

H:  “I’m just-- passing through my way to Corinth.  I haven’t
seen my mother and Jason since they were married.”

Psyche:  “Well, you, um-- might as well stay for lunch.  Because
you know, if you don’t-- I’ll never forgive you.”

H:  “Then-- lunch-- it is.  I-- can’t go through life


Aph:  “Well, boys-- this is it.  Somebody’s gonna score with
Psyche, today.  Who’s it gonna be?  Hmm?  Mmm-- washboard abs-- I
like that.  Ooh-- a man who doesn’t believe in bathing.  That’s
good, too.”

Man’s Voice:  “You fool-- she won’t choose you.  Now me-- I’m
more her style.”

Aph:  “Huh-- ha-ha.”

Sal:  “Nice material.  Oh, beauteous one!  Let me ravish-- lavish
you-- with a rose-- sweet-- proud-- and upstanding.”

Aph [Laughs]:  “Business must be good.”

Sal:  “Mm-hmm.”

Aph:  “Mmm-- it’s _amazing_, the things a man will do to win the
love of a beautiful woman.”

Sal:  [Laughs]

Aph:  “Especially one who makes Aphrodite look like a bow-wow.”

Sal [Chuckles]:  “You misunderstand.  I said ‘Wow-wow!’  Whoa.
Listen, your gorgeousness-- you were always my favorite goddess.
I mean-- even as a kid-- I collected your trading cards, and
believe me-- they don’t do you justice at all.  Ha-ha.  Please
don’t hurt me!  Please!  I’ll do anything!”

Aph:  “Get up.”

Sal:  “Why?”

Aph:  “I have a deal for you.”

Sal:  “You do?  What’s my percentage?”

Aph:  “I want to rock your world, stud-muffin.”

Sal:  “Stud-muffin, huh?  Hmm!  Is that good?”

Aph:  “Oh, yeah.”

Sal:  “Ohhh.”

Aph:  “Not so fast.  There’s something I want you to do for me,

Sal:  “Yeah?”


Psyche:  “Hercules?”

H:  “Hmm?”

Psyche:  “Do you think I’m attractive?”

Man’s Voice:  “Help yourself.  I’ll be right with you.”

H:  “Uh, you’re more than that.  You’re beautiful.”

Psyche:  “So you-- you like me.”

H:  “Well, of course I do.  Psyche, what is this about?”

Psyche:  “I want you to take me away from here.”

Woman’s Voice:  “Is that OK?”

H [Chuckles]:  “Uh-- come again?”

Psyche:  “Really-- I’m serious.  It’s-- the men in this town--
have just treated me like-- a _prize_, or something.  It’s
disgusting, and I can’t stand it!  I wanna see the world!  I
wanna have-- adventures-- with you.”

H:  “Psyche-- I think-- you’re wonderful.  I mean, I really do.
But you’re young.  You need to live your own life, not mine.”

Psyche:  “I wouldn’t get in your way-- I promise.”

H:  “You see?  My life is, it’s [Sighs]-- the thing is, is-- if
ya stop and think about it-- ”

Psyche [Interrupting]:  “I don’t-- wanna stop and think about
anything.  I just wanna be with you.”

H:  “Oh.”


Cupid:  “Go away!”

Aph:  “Now Cupid-- you know this is for the best.”

Cupid:  “Yeah, right.”

Sal:  “Excuse me.  Coming through, coming through.”

Man:  “Hey, watch who you’re pushing.”

Sal [Interrupting]:  “I’m not butting in.  Don’t worry.  I’m not
butting in.  Message for the lady.  Ooh-- great flowers, by the
way.  Aphrodite, this is for you.”

Psyche’s Voice:  “Who’s there?”

Sal:  “A friend of your father’s-- he sent for ya.  You look
lovely today, my dear.”

H:  “Salmoneus, what are you up to?”

Man’s Voice:  “There she is.”

Cupid:  “I can’t.”

Sal:  “Me?  Up to something?  Hey!”

Man’s Voice:  “Take my flowers, Psyche.”

Aph:  “You muffinhead!  Give me that!”

Psyche:  “Hercules!”

Men’s Voices:  “Step aside, buffoon!”

H:  “Gentlemen.  Gentlemen!  This is-- no way!  To prove your

Cupid:  “Mom!”

H:  Psyche.”

Psyche:  “Get away!  Hercules!”

H:  “Oh, Psyche.”



Psyche:  “Are you all right, Hercules?!”

H:  “Never better.”

Psyche:  “Hercules!  The-the-these men are trying to hurt you!”

H:  “They are?  Oh-oh, yeah.”


H:  “Are you all right?”

Psyche:  “I’m fine, but-- but you’re gonna get-- !”

H:  “Huh.  Hello, Psyche.”

Psyche:  “Oh-- what is it, Hercules?”

H:  “Aw-- wish I could find the words to tell you how beautiful I
think you are, but-- all I can say right now is-- I love you.

Cupid:  “That’s it!  I quit!”

Aph:  “Cupid!  Cupid, come back here!”

Sal:  [Clears throat]

Psyche:  “What’s come over you?”

H:  “It’s the most wonderful feeling I’ve ever had.”

Sal:  “Excuse me?”

Psyche:  “But-- but-- earlier today, you couldn’t-- wait to get
away from me, and-- and-and now-- ”

H [Interrupting]:  “-- and now, I wanna spend the rest of my life
with you.”
Sal [Whistles]:  “Fine-- be that way.  I got somebody special in
my life too, you know.  Goodbye!  Huh-huh!”

Psyche:  “This is like-- a dream come true.  Meet me in an hour?”

H:  “What’re you gonna do?”

Psyche:  “Make myself beautiful for you.”

H:  “Hmm.  Huh.”  [Sighs]

Sal:  “Aphro-_di_te?  Where are you, my passion flower?  I’ve
come ta [sic] pluck your petal!  Ah!  Ow!  Ohh-- look at that.
It’s exquisite craftsmanship-- might be an heirloom.  Well-- if
you can’t hold a beautiful woman-- at least you can hold
something that _might_ make some money.  Chk-chk-chk.”


Thugs’ Voices:  “Wish Cupid would lighten up!”  “All he does is
pace, pace, pace!”  “Boring!”  “We should party!”  “Yeah--

Cupid:  “What do you want?”

Aph:  “To-- apologize?  Hercules was right; you’re not a little
kid, anymore.”

Cupid:  “I don’t believe it-- did Tartarus freeze over?”

Aph:  “All right, all right.  Don’t-- press your luck.  Look, I
know you don’t wanna hear this, but what happened back there is
probably for the best.  You and Psyche never would have worked

Cupid:  “How do you know?”

Aph:  “Because Psyche is mortal.  And-- mortals are like plums.
You know?  They taste great for a while, but-- uh!  Before you
know it-- prunes.”

Cupid:  “Let me tell you something-- Mom.  I can’t imagine living
another day without Psyche.”

Aph [Sighs]:  “Look, Cupid, I know I haven’t been much of a
mother.  But if you try to _win_ this girl’s love-- you’ll feel a
jealousy so strong-- it’ll change you-- all right?  Big time.”

Cupid:  “Jealousy, huh?  Oh, that’s rich, coming from you.
You’re the one who’s jealous-- because everyone’s talking about
Psyche instead of you.  ‘Course-- it’s even worse, ‘cause she’s

Aph:  “Just stay away from her, Cupid-- please.”

Cupid:  “No.  I’ve got a better idea-- Mom.  Why don’t you-- stay
out of my life?”


Sal:  “Enter, oh vixen of vixen.  [Prrrrrrrr]  Hercules?!  Uh-- I
was just-- taking a nap.  Hope I hid the handcuffs.”

H:  “Do you-- normally-- nap in those?”

Sal:  “Yeah-- very stylish, don’t you think?”

H:  “Yeah.  Uh-- it’s quite a place you’ve got here.”

Sal:  “Ha-ha-ha-- decorated it myself.  Huh-huh.  I don’t mean to
be rude, but shouldn’t you be off somewhere-- you know?  Making
the world safe for those of us who are lovers, not fighters?”

H:  “Uh-- no, that can wait.  See, I saw these flowers outside
and I was wondering if-- ”

Sal:  “Take them-- with my compliments.”

H:  “Really?”

Sal:  “Yeah-- if you could just kind of-- ”

H:  “Sure.”

Sal:  “Oh, wait a moment.  Wait, wait, wait.  You know Aphrodite,
don’t you?”

H:  “Oh, she is my half-sister, yeah.”

Sal:  “Yeah.  Well, with all-due respect, she has a reputation of
being a little, uh-- whoo!  Huh!  And I have it on good authority
she’s hot for my body.”

H:  [Chuckles]

Sal:  “Don’t-- laugh.  Now my question is this-- should I play
hard to get?  Or should I let her have her way with me?  What
d’ya think?”

H:  “I think I’m leaving.  Here.”

Sal:  “What?  Not fresh enough?”

H:  “No, I just-- had a-- better idea.”

Sal:  “Huh-huh.  Aphro-_di_te.”


Psyche:  “You’ve made me _so_ happy.”

H:  “Good.  I-- hope this makes you even happier.”

Psyche:  “What is it?”

H:  “It’s a, uh-- it’s a-- it’s a poem. I-- I it wrote for you.”

Psyche:  “Hercules, that’s so sweet.”

H:  “Well-- what’s all this?”

Psyche:  “Well-- I know it’s a lot, but-- if I’m going to meet
your parents, I-- ”

H:  “My parents?”

Psyche:  “Yes-- you were on your way to see them?  I decided to
come along and-- find out all those things that you’re just a
little bit too modest to tell me.”

H:  “Um-- but I thought we would-- ”

Psyche:  “Listen-- we can talk about-- things-- on the way.
Let’s go tell my father the good news.”

H:  “Hmm-- yeah.”


Hol:  “Well, uh-- there’s only one thing I can say.  Welcome to
the family, Hercules.”

H:  “Thanks.  And may I call you, ‘Dad’?”

Hol:  “Well, I’d be honored.  I couldn’t wish for anyone better.”

Psyche:  “So-- I can’t wait to travel the world with _you_,
Hercules.  And you know with _me_ at your side, you’ll be able to
help more people than ever.”

H:  “Whoa, slow down, Psyche.  Those days are over, now.”

Psyche:  “And then you can-- what did you say?”

H:  “Well-- uh, no, we’re gonna stay here.  No, we’ll get
married, we’ll put down roots, have a family-- isn’t that what
you always wanted?”

Psyche:  “No-- but, you can’t do that, anyway.  You’re a hero.”

H:  “Look-- e-everything I do-- will be to please you.  I’ll-I’ll
cut down my hours; I’ll travel less.  I’ll be the best husband
there ever was.”

Psyche:  “Tell me I’m dreaming.”

H:  “We both are-- and I hope we never wake up.”

Psyche [Screams]:  “Hercules!”  [Screams]

H:  “Psyche!”



H:  “Psyche!”

Hol:  “My little girl!  Hercules!  You gotta save her!”

H:  “I will!”

Hol:  “But, what is that thing?!”

H:  “I have no idea, but I’m gonna find out!”

Hol:  “Wh-wh-what’re you gonna do with that?!”

H:  “I’m gonna give it to Psyche as soon as I find her.”


Psyche [Screams]:  “Oh, don’t hurt me!  Please, I’m begging!
Uh?!  What-- what’s going on?!  Who are you?!”

Cupid:  “I-I’m Cupid.”

Psyche:  “No, you’re not.  You’re-- you’re some kind ’a monster!
I-I saw you!  You’re--”

Cupid:  “You’re wasting your time.  There’s no way out.”

Psyche:  “Don’t come any closer, please.  Just-- ”

Cupid:  “Look, there’s nothing to be afraid of.  I don’t bite.”

Psyche:  “If you’re so nice, then-- why don’t you let me go?”

Cupid:  “‘Cause you’d just run back to Hercules.”

Psyche:  “You’re right.  I-I would.  He wants to marry me.”

Cupid:  “Yeah, well-- I’m not surprised.  It was my arrow that
made him fall in love with you.”

Psyche:  “It was?  Well-- it’s too bad for you, because-- I’ll
bet he’s on his way here right now to rescue me.”

Cupid:  “Yeah-- I bet.  Look, there’s someone I’ve gotta see.
Uh-- I’ll be back in a while.”

Psyche:  “You mean-- you’re leaving me here all alone?!”

Cupid:  “Don’t worry-- I’d never do anything to hurt you-- OK?”

Psyche:  “You wouldn’t?”


Aph:  “Herc!  I need to talk to you!”

H:  “Yeah-- I’m busy.”

Aph:  “I know what just happened.”

H:  “You know what happened.”

Aph:  “Yeah-- that monster who just ran off with your new
girlfriend?  It’s my darling boy.”

H:  “Cupid-- that monster was Cupid.”

Aph:  “Yeah.”

H:  “Since when did he start lookin’ like that?”

Aph:  “It’s a gnarly curse, dude.  Whenever he feels a pain of
unrequited love with a mortal, he-- turns into this green-eyed

H:  “Where’d he take her?”

Aph:  “I don’t know.  My guess is Hephaestus’ old cathedral?  The
place is a total bummer, but he always liked it.  Go figure.”

H:  “Let’s figure out something out here, first.  I fell in love
with Psyche because Cupid hit me with one of his arrows-- by
mistake, right?”

Aph:  “Yeah-- exactly-- lover boy.”

H:  “Cute-- which one of the gods put this curse on him.”

Aph:  “Old cowface-- who else?”

H:  “Hera.”

Aph:  “Yeah.  She got jealous because I stole one of her
boyfriends.  He wasn’t even that cute.  Anyway, she knew that
she’d never be as beautiful as me, so-- ”

H:  “So, she punished Cupid.”

Aph:  “Yeah.”

H:  “But it’s not permanent.”

Aph:  “Not the first two times, but if it happens again-- ”

H:  “-- three strikes and he’s out.”

Aph:  “Yeah.”


Men’s Voices:  “Am I good, or what?!  Bull’s-eye!”

Cupid:  “Hey, you guys.  Quit horsing around.”

Man:  “Horsin’ around?  Hey, we’re not Centaurs.”

A Man’s Voice:  “Centaurs.”

Cupid:  “Very funny.  I’ve got a job for you two chuckleheads.
Are we listening?”

Thugs:  “Mm-hmm.  Yeah.”

Cupid:  “Good.  I want you to go back to Malidon; I’ve left my
bow there.  Find it.”

Man:  “What about the rest of us?”

Cupid:  “The rest of you, keep your eyes open.  Stay sharp.”

Man:  “Trouble?”

Cupid:  “Yeah, Hercules.”

Men:  “Oooh!”


Aph’s Voice:  “I know it sounds crazy, but at the time it was a
really good idea.”

H:  “Hmm.”

Aph:  “Come on.  Think about it, HerK.  Cupid’s arrow hits
Psyche-- she falls for the sex-starved florist-- what’s his

H’s Voice:  “Salmoneus.”

Aph’s Voice:  “Right.  Anyway-- fast-forward a couple ’a years--
Psyche’s a _fat_, happy housewife-- Cupid’s over her, and
everybody wins.”

H’s Voice:  “Nobody more than you.”

Aph’s Voice:  “Come on Herc, if the arrow had just _hit_ her-- ”

Aph:  “-- everything would be fine.”

H:  “You _can’t_ play with people’s lives like that!  And I can’t
walk away, not knowing that Psyche’s safe.  I mean, once I’m
sure, then I promise I’ll leave, and I’ll never see her again.”

Aph:  [Laughs]

H:  “What?”

Aph:  “Hello?  If you think that you can escape Cupid’s arrow,
I’ve got news for you.  Nobody is that strong.”

H:  “I am.”

Aph:  “OK-- let’s put it to the test.  Uh-- whatever I say, you
say the first thing that comes to your head, OK?”

H:  “Fine.”

Aph:  “All right.  Sun.”

H:  “Moon.”

Aph:  “Bread.”

H:  “Butter.”

Aph:  “Psyche.”

H:  “Smart.  Funny.  Sexy.  Perfect.  Hmm.”

Aph:  “OK-- you stay here.  I’m gonna go save my son.”

H:  “Oh-- I’m goin’ with you.”

Aph:  “Bet I get there first.”

H:  “I _hate_ it when she does that.”


Thugs’ Voices:  “Heh-heh!  Party down with us, Sister!”  “Yeah--
you’ll live here till ya die!”

Cupid:  “What do you think you’re _doing_?  I never told anyone
to treat her like this.  Get outta here.”

Thug’s Voice:  “Party-pooper!”

Psyce:  “Y’know, I don’t-I do-- I don’t believe this.  For years,
people have been telling me-- how _nice_ you are, and-- you’re
just-- you’re just as much of an animal as they are!”

Cupid:  “I’m sorry.  They didn’t hurt you, did they?”

Psyche:  “What do you care _what_ they did to me?”

Cupid:  “Well, I care a lot.  I mean-- I know what it’s like to
feel trapped.  When I was a kid-- I used to come out here a lot,
because-- it was the only place I knew of that I could get away
from my mother.”

Psyche:  “Then why don’t you let me go?”

Cupid:  “I can’t.”

Psyche:  “Why?”

Cupid:  “I’m sorry-- I just can’t.  I don’t wanna lose you.”


Cupid:  “If you’ve come for Psyche-- you’re wasting your time.”

Aph:  “I _told_ you there’d be problems.  You should have
listened to me.”

Cupid:  “No, you listen to me, Mom.  I love her, and I am _not_
letting her go.”

Aph:  “OK-- I guess it’s time to tell you the facts of your life.
This thing that happened with you and Psyche-- it’s a curse from

Cupid:  “Thanks for warning me.”

Aph:  “And, if it happens two more times, you’re this green-eyed
monster forever.”

Cupid:  “I-- I don’t get it.  Why-- why can’t I just be like
everybody else?  All I wanna do is cherish Psyche, forever.”

Aph’s Voice:  “Oh-- you _really_ are the romantic type, aren’t

Aph:  “OK-- I’ve got it.  Why don’t you get your bow and arrow
and shoot her?”

Cupid:  “No!”

Aph:  “Yeah!  Make her fall in love with you.”

Cupid:  “No!  I want Psyche to love me because she _wants_ to,
not because she’s _forced_ to.”

Aph:  “Oh, that is so sweet-- and so old-fashioned, too, but not
a good idea.  Now please, let me get Psyche out of here before
Hercules shows up.”

Cupid [Interrupting]:  “No-- you stay away from her, you hear me?
Or I swear-- I’ll make Hera look like your best friend.”


Sal’s Voice:  “I’m telling ya, it’s one of a kind.”

Sal:  “This is the bow, that’ll make ya crow.  This is the thing,
that’ll make ya sing.”

2nd Man:  “What’re ya sayin’?”

Sal:  “I’m saying you need to buy this priceless heirloom for its
conversation-piece value alone!”

2nd Man:  “Lemme see!”

Sal:  “Hey-hey-- you can see with your eyes-- not your hands!”

2nd Man:  “I wanna see!”

Sal:  “This is _not_ professional!  This is _not_ professional!

2nd Man:  “I love you, man.”

1st Man:  “Uh!  Uh!  But I’m already committed to a monogamous

Sal:  “I know what this is.  This is my reward for a life a
virtue and thrift!  This is Cupid’s bow.  Oh, the riches!  Oh,
the fame!  Oh, the fabulous babes!”

Sal’s Voice:  “Thank you, gods!  I owe you one!”

H:  “Down, boy.”

Sal:  “Hercules!  Don’t be a spoilsport!  Look, I’m sure Cupid
has a lot of these lying around!  I’m-- I’ll just take care of
the love-birds that he can’t get to.”

H:  “For a price, of course.”

Sal:  “I have a reputation to maintain.”

H:  “What reputation?”

Sal:  “Don’t start!”

H:  “Not unless you start respecting the power of Cupid’s arrows.
They can turn your life upside down, you know?  They can-- they
can drive you out of your-- out of your _mind_ with love-- make
you do things that are _absolutely crazy_!”

Sal:  “What’s the _matter_ with you?!  Take it easy!”

H [Interrupting]:  “Hey!  You need proof, do you?  You need some
proof-- huh?!  Fine.  Watch this.”

Sal:  “What are you doing?  Hercule-e-e-e-e-s!”

H:  “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”  



H’s Voice:  “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!”  [Splash!]

Sal:  “Hercules!  You all right?!”

H:  “See?!  Even cold water doesn’t help!  Uh-- why can’t you
leave me alone?!  You are so beautiful.  But Deianeira-- is the
only woman I’ve ever really loved.  Yes!”

Sal:  “Wh-what is it?!  What’s wrong?!”

H:  “What could possibly be wrong?!  I’m a free man!  Deianeira
broke the spell!”

Sal:  “Are you sure you didn’t hit your head when you jumped?!”

H:  “No!  This is about my heart.”

Sal:  “Then you’re all right!  You sure?!”

H:  “Never better!  Now all I’ve gotta do is rescue Psyche!”

Sal:  “All right!  Well-- if you _won’t_ be _needing_ me-- I’ll
just-- !”

H:  “Salmoneus!  You be careful with that!”

Sal:  “I’m _shocked_ that you think I wouldn’t be-- _shocked_, I
tell you.”

H:  “Yeah, I’m sure.”


H:  “Why can’t I ever find the easy way?  
‘Psyche, Psyche-- you are so sweet.  
Without you, life is incomplete.’
‘Before I met you, I was lonely;
Now, you are-- my one and-- ’
Herc-- don’t quit your day job.  Ah.”


Cupid:  “I, uh-- brought you some food.  I thought you might be

Psyche:  “You know-- I never knew that gods got lonely, too.”

Cupid:  “What?”

Psyche:  “N-nothing.  Um-- nothing.  Thank you-- for the food.”

Cupid:  “Oh.  Oh.”

Man:  “Hercules is here.”

Cupid:  “What?  Already?”

Man:  “Yeah.”

Cupid:  “He’s even faster than I thought he was.  Stay here,
Psyche.  You’ll be safe.”


Cupid:  “You shouldn’t have come, Hercules.”

H:  “Before you decide that, you better hear what I have to say.”

Cupid:  “We don’t _have_ anything to talk about.”

H:  “What if I told you, that your arrow didn’t work on me?  That
I’m not in love with Psyche?”

Cupid [Chuckles]:  “You’re lying.”

H:  “You know me better than that, Cupid.  I just wanna make sure
she’s _safe_.”

Cupid:  “From what?  The green-eyed monster?”

H:  “No-- from Aphrodite.  There’s no telling what she might do.
Call off your satyrs.”

Cupid:  “Sorry-- can’t do that.  OK-- get him, boys.”

H:  “I thought I was your favorite uncle.”



Aph:  “Don’t waste your hearing, girlfriend.”

Psyche:  “Aphrodite.”

Aph:  “In the flesh.  Now, come on-- let’s get you out of this

Psyche:  “I’m not leaving until you tell me why you’re doing

Aph:  “Hello?!  I’m tryin’ to help you, here!”

Psyche:  “No, you’re not!  I heard you before with Cupid!  I’m
not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on.”

Aph:  “I get it.  You’re copping this ’tude, because everyone’s
been saying you’re more beautiful than I am.  [Chuckles]  But now
that I see you, it’s obvious they’re clueless.”

Psyche:  “Do you actually _think_ that I _like_ being compared to
you?  Not being able to go anywhere-- or do anything?  And people
treating me like I’m some kind of freak?”

Aph:  “Don’t sugar-coat it, Honey.  I’m just here to save Cupid.”

Psyche:  “But I never thought that you would-- ”

Aph [Interrupting]:  “It’s a mom thing.  Come on.”

Psyche:  “OK.”

Aph:  “That was easy.”


H:  “Whew.”


Aph:  “Here-- drink up.”

Psyche:  “How is _that_ going to help Cupid?”

Aph:  “I’m his mother.  Would you trust me?”

Psyche:  “Fine.”

Aph:  “Hmm.  You know, I _like_ you.  It’s a shame you’re so--

Cupid:  “She’s not cute.  She’s beautiful.  Come on, Psyche.  I’m
taking you away from all of this.”

Aph:  “Don’t _do_ it, Cupid.  You know what’ll happen.”

Psyche:  “OK, will someone _please_ just tell me what’s going

H:  “Maybe I can.”

Cupid:  “Not a chance.”


H:  “Jealousy sure does make a person ugly.  This isn’t gonna be

Aph:  “Don’t _hurt_ him, Hercules!”

H:  “Me, hurt him.  Please.  Ahh!”

Psyche:  “Oh!  Ahh!”

H:  “Cupid, can we at least _talk_ about this?!  I guess not.

Cupid:  “Psyche.  What have you _done_, Mother?!”

Aph:  “If it’s any consolation, she’s not as old as she looks.”

Cupid:  “For once in your life, would you give me a straight
answer?!  What have you done?!”

Aph:  “I did what any mother would do.  I tried to protect you.”

H:  “Aphrodite-- this is a little extreme.”

Cupid:  “Mom!  You have _got_ to learn to let me live my own
life!  Oh, Psyche.  Oh, Psyche, I am so sorry.  I love you.”

Psyche:  “You don’t have to say that.”

Aph:  “Listen to her, Cupid.”

Cupid:  “I don’t care-- what you look like.  I know what a
wonderful person you are.  And-- I wanna spend the rest of my
life with you.  Will you marry me?”

Psyche:  “Oh.”

Cupid:  “Can I take that as a ‘Yes’?”

H:  “Uh-- it-- really is love. Aphrodite.”

Aph:  “What do you want _me_ to do about it?”

H:  “Come here.”

Aph:  “Cool idea, big brother!  Hey, kids.  This is the deal--
courtesy of Hercules.  I’ll restore Psyche’s looks [Clears
throat]-- on one condition.”

Psyche:  “Oh-- I’m-- I’m not so sure.”

Aph:  “Chill-- will you?  This is ambrosia.  One sip and it’s off
to Olympus.”

Psyche:  “You mean-- you’re gonna make me immortal?”

Aph:  “You got it, Sweet Pea.”

Psyche:  “Oh, Cupid.”

Cupid:  “Oh, Psyche.”

Psyche:  “Cupid.”

Cupid:  “Oh.  Thanks, Mom.”

Aph:  “He thanked me.”

H:  “Uh.”

Aph:  “What’re you smiling at?”

H:  “Oh, I’m-- just thinking about those two up there with Hera.
It is gonna make her go _crazy_ with jealousy.”  [Laughs]

Aph [Laughs]:  “Yeah-- let’s not keep her waiting.”

H:  “Hmm.”

Aph:  “OK, kids.  Come on-- let’s go.”

Psyche:  “Um-- Hercules, I just-- ”

H:  “You don’t have to say anything.  As long as you’re happy,
that’s all that matters.”

Psyche:  “Thank you-- both of you.”

Cupid:  “I, uh-- I owe you an apology.  I’m-- I’m sorry.”

H:  “It’s all right.  Just-- don’t-- turn into that green thing,

Cupid:  “Gotcha.  Now, you’re so close to being cool.  Come on,
Psyche.  I’m gonna show you Olympus.  You’re gonna flip.”

Psyche’s Voice:  “Bye, Hercules.  Bye, Mom.”

Aph:  “This means I’m a mother-in-law?  Aw, how _humiliating_!”

H:  “Don’t start pouting.  You did the right thing.  That’s all
that counts.”


Sal:  “Hercules!  Help me, please!”

Man:  “Give us that bow, big man!”

H:  “Help from them?  They look too tired to be dangerous.  How
did you get up here so fast?”

Sal:  “I was _motivated_!  I was running from _that_!”

Aph:  [Laughs]

Sal:  “Ah!  Ah!  Stay back!  She got in front of one of my
arrows!  Aphrodite-- is there an antidote for this?!”

Aph:  “No, not really.”

Sal:  “You sure?!”

Aph:  “Mm-hmm.”

H:  “Would _she_ kid you?”


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