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Edition Take a Journey Through Tartarus!


“Judgment Day”  HTLJ Episode 52/315


Serena [S]:  “Oh!  I’m so excited!”

Hercules [H]:  “Serena, we’re only going to the marketplace.”

S:  “I know, but, I could never do this before-- not without fear
of being touched and turning back into the Hind.  This is such a
great feeling of freedom.”

H:  “I’m glad you’re happy.”

S:  “Are you?”

H:  “Absolutely.”

S:  “No regrets.”

H:  “Well-- no.  No regrets.”

S:  “We could always go in later.”

H:  “Yeah-- except Iolaus is waiting for us-- and we stood him up

S:  “But it is our honeymoon.”

H:  “Good point.”

S:  “Wait.  Wait, wait-- it would be rude.  I mean-- Iolaus did
help with the house, and-- ”

H:  “Yeah.”

S:  “Well-- we can-- come back early.”

H:  “You’ve created a monster.  We’ll come back early.”


Tall man:  “I still can’t believe it!  Hercules getting married!”

Short man:  “Yeah.”

Tall man:  “And to a deer, no less.”

X:  “Excuse me.  Did you say Hercules got married?”

Short man:  “To the golden Hind-- last of her kind!”

Tall man:  “Yeah, I heard he gave up all his powers to marry her.
She must be something.”

Short man:  “Yeah.”

X:  “Come on, Gabrielle.”

G:  “OK.”

Short man:  “I can see it now--  He comes home and says, ‘Dear,
I’m home.’”

Tall man:  “’Dear, I’m home.’”

Short man:  “Bought you a  salt lick for your birthday.”

Tall man:  “Salt lick.”


G:  “I know.  It’s that Hercules didn’t tell you.  That’s what’s
upsetting you.”

X:  “Gabrielle.”

G:  “Xena-- you know, you shouldn’t bottle up your emotions.
Now, if there’s some sort of hurt or jealousy operating here,
then get it out.”

X:  “Gabrielle!”

Tall man:  “Dear, I’m home!  You’re too much!”  

G:  “Oh, great.  Just walk away from me.  What am I-- talking to
myself here?”

[The two men morph into Strife and Ares]

Ares [A]:  “Strife-- I think you set my little plan in action.
Well done.”


Salesman:  “Get your fabric right here.”

S:  “Huh-- look.”

Soldiers:  “Check that out!”  “Let me take a better look at you!”

S:  “Let’s just-- keep moving.”

Soldiers:  “Hey, how about a kiss?”  “That’s one prime piece of

H:  “Excuse me, but that’s my wife you’re talking about.”

S:  “Just ignore them, Hercules.”

Sold:  “Bet she’s nice to snuggle up to in the winter-- all that
soft deer fur.”

H:  “Ah-- fellas, look-- I’m in a-- good mood today.  So, why
don’t you just apologize, and we’ll go on our separate ways.”

Sold:  “Now, why would we do that?  Especially since you lost
your strength.”

H:  “Yeah, well, at least I haven’t lost my manners.”

S:  “Let’s just go find Iolaus.”

H:  “Serena, I can handle this myself.”

S:  “Hercules!”


H:  “What-- do you gotta rock for a head?  Of course, he does.”

Sold:  “How does if feel to be like the rest of us?”

Woman:  “He doesn’t have the strength.”

Sold:  “Now-- which part of you shall I break first?”



[Fight continues]

H:  “Ow.  Now-- about that apology.”

Sold:  “Sorry.”

S:  “Are you all--?”

H:  “I said-- I could take care of this myself.”

S:  “But-- ”

Iolaus [I]:  “You’re welcome.”

S:  “We were just trying-- ”

H:  “When I say I don’t need any help-- I don’t need any help!
Unless you two don’t think I’m-- up to this anymore!”

S:  “I thought, may-- ”

I:  “I’ve never seen him like that.  Herc-- wait up!”


I:  “Herc!  Wait!”

H:  “Ah!  Don’t you _ever_-- _ever_-- doubt me again!  I might
not have all my strength, but I’m not some helpless, impotent old
man who can’t fight his own battles!”

S:  “What is wrong with you?!”

H:  “Nothing!  Nothing-- has changed!”

I:  “Hercules, are you all right?”

H:  “I’m-- I don’t know what got into me.”

S:  “I was worried about you.”

H:  “I know.”

I:  “I’ve-- never seen you get so angry over-- ”

H:  “I’m sorry.  I-- ”

S:  “Ah, sweetheart.  It’s OK.”


A:  “And?”

Strife [Str]:  “I got old Hercules coming and going.”

A:  “Good-- next step is to get him going, going, gone.”

Str:  “No sweat.  I haven’t even hit him in dreamland yet.  Um--
just, about-- payment-- ”

A:  “Hey-- don’t worry.  You’ll be amply rewarded.”

Str:  “I-- I just-- I mean, if I could just-- just get a hint.  I
mean, I certainly don’t-- expect to get into your category, but,
uh-- maybe-- you know-- if I was, say-- god of-- skirmishes.
[Laughs]  That was a joke.  Dig?”

A [Laughs]:  “Dig Hercules’ grave.  And learn how to talk so I
can understand you.  You gotta learn to relax more, Strife.
Savor the moments of existence.  Example-- this is the site of
one of my greatest triumphs-- the battle of Torrence-- ten
thousand corpses littered the battleground.  The stench was--

Str:  “So, uh-- who was the great general responsible for this--

A:  “No general-- it was a warrior-- Xena.  She led her army
through opponents’ infantry like flies.  Limbs were _scattered_
everywhere.  It-- was-- beautiful.”

Str:  “You miss her, don’tcha?  It’s a shame she decided to
change sides.”

A:  “I wouldn’t give up on her just yet.  Death’s perfume can be
very-- addictive.  Let’s just see how my game plan unfolds.”


I:  “Hercues-- you need your privacy-- hmm?  I’m gonna go fishing
for a few days-- or, at least till your honeymoon’s over.”

H:  “Oh-- you’re gonna be long that long, are you?”

I:  “Well, you’re not planning a six month honeymoon, are you?”

S:  “Mmm-- we were thinking more in terms of forever.”

I:  “OK-- well-- I’m gonna get an early start tomorrow.”

H:  “Well, why don’t you stop by for breakfast?  I mean, it’s on
the way.”

I:  “I’m leaving at dawn.”

S:  “That’s all right.  We’ll be up.”

H:  “Yeah.”

S:  “Come as early as you like.  Iolaus.”

I:  “OK-- but-- only for a-- quick visit-- all right?”

H:  “OK.”


Village Leader:  “I want to remind all of you to come to our town
meeting tomorrow night.  We’ll be discussing the formal
dedication of our new water cistern to Hercules.”

Man:  “Just a minute!  Don’t you realize the trouble you’ll be
bringing on yourself by doing something like that?”

Village Leader:  “But, Hercules is a friend of ours.  He helped
us build that cistern.”

Man:  “And what has he done for you lately?  Married a creature!
And it’s half-human-- half-animal!  The gods can’t be pleased
with that!”

Village Leader:  “Hercules isn’t hurting anyone.  And nothing bad
has happened to any of us yet.”

Man:  “Oh?  What happened in the marketplace today?  Think that’s
the last incident like that we’ll see?  Every young punk from
here to Hellespont will be showing up to challenge Hercules-- to
test his strength!”

Male Voice:  “That’s right!”

Village Leader:  “What do you suggest we do?”

Man:  “Go to him.  Tell him to leave.  Take our town back before
it’s too late!”

Village Leader:  “What do you think?”

Elder:  “He makes a good point”

Village Leader:  “Maybe, he’s right.  We’ll talk to Hercules--
first thing in the morning.”


S:  “You know-- ”

H:  “Hmm?”

S:  “If you wanna go fishing with Iolaus-- I’m a big girl.  I can
take care of myself.”

H:  “Hmm-- well, maybe we should all go.”

S:  “You know what Iolaus says about ‘three’s a crowd.’”

H:  “So is two as far as fishing and Iolaus is concerned.  He’ll
have a better time by himself.”

S:  “Hmm-- I just don’t want you to change your lifestyle because
of me.  I-- I know-- how you help people, the adventures you go
on.  I don’t wanna upset that.”

H:  “You won’t.  It’s just a matter of balancing what I do out
there-- and-- what I do at home-- with my family.”

S:  “Family?”

H:  “Oh, yeah.”

S:  “I love you so much.”

H:  “Well-- you’re pretty and smart.”


Str:  “Ah-hah.  Hey, Cousin Morpheus, throw Herc a dream.  
Shake up a wild one; make him yell and scream.
Shake up a wild one; make him yell and scream.”


[Hercules’ dream]

H:  “Don’t you _ever_-- _ever_-- doubt me again!  I might not
have all my strength, but I’m not some helpless, impotent old man
who can’t fight his own battles!”

S:  “What is wrong with you?!”

H:  “Nothing!  Nothing has changed!”

S:  “If nothing’s changed, then how come you let that soldier
back there almost brain you?!”

H:  “I can take care of myself!”

S:  “And me?!  Can you take care of me like you did your first

H:  “Don’t talk about them.”

S:  “I gave up everything for you!  I was the last of my kind!
And now-- and now, I can’t protect myself ! And you-- you gave up
your strength.  You can’t protect me!  How am I supposed to

H:  “I am _warning_ you!”

S:  “Oh, go ahead-- hit me-- hit me!  Oh-- show me what a strong
man you are!”

H:  “Blood.  Serena?”



I:  “Morning!”

H:  “No!”

I:  “Herc.  Herc?”


I:  “Hercules?”

H:  “Uh-- a pillow.  I, uh-- I need a pillow.  She’s-- she’s

I:  “Hercules.  Hercules-- she’s dead.”

H:  “No-- she-- ”

Man:  “Murderer!”

Village Leader:  “You killed her!”

H:  “No!”

I:  “Wait a minute!  Take it easy!”

H:  “Get ‘em out of here!”

I:  “He doesn’t know what he’s saying.”

H:  “Go!  Get ‘em out!  Get ‘em out!”

I:  “Get out!  Go!”

H:  “Go!”


A:  “Ah-- the three Fates.  Clotho spins the thread of life.  My
dear Lachesis measures it.  And my dearest Atropos cuts it.”

Atropos:  “That is Hercules’ life line.  Another god can’t kill
him.  And he’s protected by Zeus.”

A:  “Oh-- no more.  He sinned against the gods.  He’s killed a
mortal in cold blood.”

Zeus [Z]:  “Wait!”

A:  “Zeus.”

Z:  “Who gave you permission?”

A:  “This has already been dealt with.  The other gods have

Z:  “And I wasn’t informed?”

A:  “You were unreachable-- off on one of your dalliances, I

Z:  “I can’t believe my son killed anyone in cold blood.”

A:  “He’s gone mad.  See for yourself.”

Z:  “If he’s guilty, he’ll be punished-- but not by you.  Bring
him in before the Olympians.”

A:  “Shouldn’t he be tried among mortals, now that he is one--

Z:  “Then you better make sure he lives to see a fair trial.”

A;  “It’s out of my hands.  What if he refuses to give himself
up?  He’s your son-- you know how stubborn he can be.”


I:  “What’re you gonna do?”

H:  “I have to find the magistrate-- tell him what happened.”


I:  “Herc-- I don’t think this is such a good idea.  I mean, I’ve
just come from town, and they’re forming a lynch mob.”

H:  “A lynch mob?  What-- for me?”

I:  “I know you didn’t kill her, but-- ”

H:  “Maybe I did.”

X:  “What?”

H:  “I’m not sure what happened in there-- you see.  I’ve had
these dreams.  I mean-- I keep-- seeing myself-- ”

Man:  “There he is!”  “There’s the murderer!”

I:  “Listen-- you better get out of here.  I’ll-- try and talk
some sense into them.”

H:  “I’m not gonna--”

I:  “Herc, you’ve _got_ to go!  OK-- let’s-- let’s take it easy,
fellas.  Come on-- let-- let’s think about this for a second.  I

Men:  “Out of the way, shorty!”  “You can’t spare the murderer!”

I:  “Yah!  Come on!  Come on!  Come on!  Get up!  Come on!”


Village Leader:  “You are obstructing justice!”

Man:  “Out of our way!”

I:  “Look-- you can’t just hunt him down like some common
criminal.  This is Hercules you’re going after.”

Village Leader:  “I’m afraid he’s not the Hercules we knew.  You
saw with your own two eyes, just like we did!”

Men:  “Step aside!”  “Hercules is a killer!”  “Hercules must be
brought to justice!”


Veklos [V]:  “Psss!  Hercules.  Over here.”

H:  “Who are you?”

V:  “My name is Veklos.  You might not remember-- but you once
saved my life.  You can hide in here.”

H:  “I’ve never hid from anything before in my life.  I’m not
about to start now.”

V:  “Well- it was different then.  You had-- look, those people
are out for blood.  Please-- let me help you-- just until things
settle down.”

Male Voice:  “Let’s check this way!”

H:  “Thanks.”

Male Voice:  “Let’s check the marketplace!”


Man:  “You saw the argument he had with his wife-- his anger!”

I:  “Hercules is not himself at the moment.  The _gods_ could be
behind this!”

Village Leader:  “Ah, that’s my point!  Maybe they’ve driven him

Man:  “It doesn’t matter who’s responsible!  He’s become a danger
to the community!”

I:  “OK-- I am going with you.  He’ll listen to me.  If I talk to
him, I can maybe convince him to give himself up!”


H:  “You’re taking a big chance, helping me.  They think I’m a

Male Voice:  “Check all the houses!  He’s got to be around here,

V:  “I don’t know whether you are or not.  I only know-- once you
helped me.  I’d like to return the favor.”

[Knock]:  “Open up!”

Woman’s Voice:  “He’s a murderer!”

Man:  “I’m looking for Hercules.  Have you seen him?”

V:  “He ran by earlier, and then headed back toward the woods.”

Female Voice:  “Get him!  Search everywhere!”


Man:  “Keep searching.  He couldn’t have disappeared into thin


H:  “Why?  Why?”

V:  “With grief like that-- you couldn’t have killed her.”

H:  “Thank you.  I should get going.”

V:  “But you’re _safe_ here.”

H:  “I need find out who killed my wife.”

V:  “Then go.  But trust no one.”


Village Leader:  “We must search the town again.  He can’t have
gone far.”

Str:  [Laughs]

Man:  “There he goes!  Come on, he went this way!  We’ve got him

Men:  “Behind you!  He’s getting away!”  “He’s wounded!”  “Close
in men!”  “Surround him!”


I:  “Hercules!”

Sold:  “What do you think you’re doing?!”

I:  “Hercules!”



[Fight Continues]

Men:  “It’s Xena!”  “It’s the Warrior Princess!”

I:  “Herc?”


I:  “He’s in really bad shape.  I’ve never seen him take a
beating like this.”

X:  “We need more water and bandages.  Hurry.”

G:  “I’ll be right back.”

X:  “The bleeding’s stopped.  His other shoulder is dislocated.
And he may have fractured his skull.  He should not be moved.”

I:  “It’s a good thing you came along when you did.”

X:  “I came as soon as I heard.  Is it true?  About him losing
his powers.”

I:  “Yeah.”

X:  “He must love her very much.”

I:  “He did.”

X:  “Did?”

I:  “Serena-- his wife-- she’s dead.  And the townspeople think
he did it.”

H:  “Serena-- it’s my fault.”

I:  “I gotta go and help Gabrielle.”

H:  “I’ve killed her.  I’ve killed her.”


G:  “Iolaus-- are you OK?”

I:  “Yeah.”

G:  “Look-- Iolaus-- Hercules’ll be OK.  Xena is-- ”

I:  “It’s not that.”

G:  “What is it?”

I:  “Hercules-- thinks he may have killed Serena.  I saw Hercules
with a-- a bloody knife in his hand-- over the body.”


X:  “I’m sorry about Serena.”

H:  “She was the most beautiful woman.  I didn’t think I could
ever love anyone like that again.  I-- ”

X:  “It’s all right.  We’re long past the time when we could’ve
been together.  Tell me about what happened.”

H:  “I’m not sure.  I-- when I woke up-- she was-- she was lying
next to me, and I-- ”

X:  “She was murdered in bed right next to you and you didn’t
wake up?”

H:  “It doesn’t make sense.  It wasn’t like any sleep I ever had.
The dreams-- I just-- ”

X:  “What do you mean?  Like nightmares?”

H:  “No-- it was worse.  It was violent.  It was so violent.
Just-- like they were from the gods.”

X:  “Maybe they were.”

H:  “But why?  I gave them my strength.  I gave them what they
asked for.”

X:   “And they’re always known for keeping their promises, right?

H:  “This smells of Ares.  It’s my fault.  I never should have
trusted him to keep his word.  I need to-- to find out what part
Ares played in this, and what part I played.”

X:  “You will-- but get well.  You still have time to figure this

H:  “Yeah.”


G:  “Xena.”

X:  “What?  What’s the matter?”

G:  “It’s Iolaus.  I’ve never seen him like this before.  He’s--
he’s confused; he’s torn.”

X:  “I’ll go talk to him.  Keep an eye on him.  That head injury
still worries me.”

G:  “What’s in this goatskin?”

X:  “Hopefully, something to save his life.”


X:  “I never did thank you for taking care of Gabrielle.  Thank
you.  She’s worried about you.  She says you seem upset.”

I:  “My best friend falls in love, breaks up our partnership, and
his wife gets killed, and he’s not sure he didn’t do it.  What’s
to be upset about?  It happens every day.”

X:  Have you ever considered that the gods might be behind this--
all of it?”

I:  “Yes, of course-- so the gods are behind it-- or are
responsible for it.  So what?”

X:  “What are you saying?”

I:  “Look-- I know Hercules-- his sense of justice-- his sense of
honor.  If he thought there was a remote chance he killed Serena,
he would turn himself in and spend the rest of his life rotting
in prison.”

X:  “Yes, he would.  And-- ?”

I:  “And be remembered throughout history, not as a-- a fighter
for justice, but as a-- as a  wife-killer.  And then everything
he stood for-- everything he fought for-- goes down the river--
along with his reputation.  He doesn’t deserve that.”

X:  “No, he doesn’t.  So what do you wanna do about it?”

I:  “I don’t know.  I’ve tried to think of-- something.  I’ve
even considered confessing to Serena’s murder myself-- to spare
him the shame and-- humiliation of imprisonment.”

X:  “He’d never let you do that.”

I:  “I know-- unless-- ”

X:  “Unless, what?”

I:  “Unless I kill him first.”

X:  “You haven’t got the stomach for it.  He’s your best friend--
you couldn’t do it.”

I:  “And you could?”

X:  “If I had to-- if there was no other way.  I know you’re
confused.  But the gods are at work here.  All I’m asking is that
you hear me out, and then-- you can do whatever you think is


G:  “Hercules-- it’s all right.  It’s all right-- just-- lie
down.  It’s OK.”

H:  “If I did it-- I couldn’t live with myself.”

G:  “I’ll get you some water-- OK?”


I:  “Hercules?”

X:  “Gabrielle, where’s Hercules?”

G:  “I don’t know.  I just went to get some water.”

I:  “I was afraid of this.  He’s gonna turn himself in.”

G:  “Xena-- he took your sword.”

X:  “To fall on?”

I:  “No-- he wouldn’t do that.  But he might wanna do the next
best thing-- charge into overwhelming odds.”

X:  “And die a warrior’s death.  We’ve gotta stop him.”


A:  “I gotta hand it to you, Strife.  This has worked out better
than I could ever have imagined.”

Str:  “It’s been fun.”

A:  “Fun is good.  So is dead.  [Hums]”



Man:   “He’s wounded!  He must be holding up somewhere close.”

H:  “If you’re looking for me-- here I am.”

Man:  “It’s him.”

I:  “I wouldn’t celebrate just yet.”

X:  “You’ve got short memories.  Stay back unless you want more
of what we gave you before.”

Man:  “Better do as she says.”

I:  “No-- stop.”

H:  “Out of my way, Iolaus.  I’m turning myself in.”

I:  “I can’t let you do that, Hercules.”

Man:  “Stay out of the way.”

H:  “Get out-- of my way.”

I:  “Look-- you’re not listening to reason.”

H:  “I’m warning you!  Don’t try to stop me from doing the right

I:  “The right thing is to go back with us till we find out who
really killed Serena.”

H:  “We know who killed her!  Now, step aside!”

I:  “Just put the sword down.”

[H and I fight]

H:  “You-- killed me.”

I:  “No-- I-- I didn’t mean-- ”

X:  “No!”

[X fights I]

X:  “You wanna see some more blood?  Bring it on.”

A:  “Well done, Xena.  [Laughs]”

X:  “Ares-- what’re you doing here?”

A:  “Let’s just say I have a vested interest in all of this.”

X:  “You planned all of this.”

A:  “One must keep amused.  There is a way to bring him back.
Come back to me-- where you belong.”

X:  “How’d you do it?  How did you get someone so noble and so
strong to kill his own wife?”

A:  “I think-- I’ll keep that my little secret.”

Str:  “I think you’re being a little too modest there, Uncle.  It
was easy, you know?  A little Morpheus- induced sleep, and I just
sort of-- slipped on by.”

X:  “You killed her.”

Str:  “Yeah-- like I said-- it was easy.”

A:  “What does it matter who killed her?!  Hercules is dead-- and
you’re mine.”

H:  “It matters to me.”

Male Voice:  “Hercules is alive.”

H:  “Goat skin worked.”

[H fights Str]

H:  “Get up!”

Str:  “Help.”

A:  “Fight him, you pathetic little fool.  You’re a god.  Use
your powers!”

Str:  “Yeah!  Take a hike.”

X:  “Even it up, Ares.  Give Hercules back his strength.”

A:  “No-- I’m enjoying this too much.”

I:  “You reneged on your deal, Ares.  You said if he gave up his
powers, he’d be happily married.”

A:  “I lied.  So what?  [Laughs]”

V:  “Ares, you heard them.  Play fair.”

[V morphs into Z]

H:  “Father.  Strife-- I’m back.”

Str:  “Uncle!”

H:  “Ares!  This isn’t over yet!’

A:  No-- it isn’t.  [Laughs]”

H:  “Zeus!  Zeus!  Don’t you walk away from me.”

Zeus [Z]:  “You handled yourself well.”

H:  “Is that all you have to say to me?”

Z:  “You have a-- strange way of showing gratitude.”

H:  “For what?”

Z:  “For saving you.  For giving you back your powers!”

H:  “I would-- I would rather have Serena back.”

Z:  “Son-- you know I can’t undo what the gods have done.”

H:  “I don’t wanna hear about the other gods!  I mean, this is--
this is twice, now, you’ve turned your back on me and my family.”

Z:  “It’s not that easy.  I have-- other responsibilities.”

H:  “Since when have you been responsible for anything?  When?”

Z:  “So-- I don’t even rate a thank you.”

H:  “Thanks-- but you’re wrong if you think that’s gonna change
anything between us.”


X:  “You give good scream.”

I:  “Well, let me show you something.”

X:  “Very nice.”

I:  “You cut it pretty close.”

G:  “Well, it had to look real.”

I:  “Another couple of centimeters, it would’ve been real.”

X:  “Yeah, well it wasn’t.”

I:  “Hercules?”

H:  “Don’t ask.”

I:  “Hey-- glad you’re OK.”

H:  “I’m not OK.”

I:  “Look-- it isn’t much-- consolation, but-- at least you know
you didn’t kill Serena.”

H:  “I did kill her.  If I hadn’t fallen in love and married her,
she’d be alive today.”


[Funeral dirge]

H:  “You weren’t long for this world, Serena-- at least not in
your mortal form.  But you made the most of your short life.  You
loved-- and you were loved in return.  That’s the-- highest place
a mortal can aspire to.  And for that-- I am eternally grateful.
I-- I will miss you.”

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