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Edition Take a Journey Through Tartarus!


“Reign of Terror”  Episode 55/318


Salmoneus [Sal]:  “Ow!  Ow!  [Whimpers]  I don’t believe this!
Here I am, on the verge of one of my biggest deals!  The Augean
stables manure concession.  I get attacked by crazed flying

H:  “Salmoneus-- it’s just a bee sting.  It won’t kill you.”

Sal:  “How do _you_ know?!  What if I’m allergic?  I could swell
up and die!”

H:  “I have to admit, that does look pretty swollen.”

Sal:  “I happen to be big-boned.”

H:  “Hmm.  Look-- maybe Palamedes can help us.  I hear his
daughter studies medicine.”

Sal:  “Now, you’re tallking!  I could _use_ some professional

H:  “No argument there.”

Sal:  “Oh.  Ah!  It’s starting to throb.”

H:  “Well, I’m not gonna touch it for you.”


Men’s Voices:  “Get that tapestry down!  You!”  “Got it.”  “--
the king’s command.”  “Come on-- let’s pick up the pace-- and
clear away those candles.”  “That’s fine.”  “Take that down-- be
quick about it.”  “Straighten that out.  I’ll look at it-- ”

Bearded Man:  “This is crazy.  Rededicating Aphrodite’s temple to

A Man:  “What King Augeus wants-- King Augeus gets.”

Aph:  “We’ll see about that.”

Bearded Man:  “You know?  Someone oughtta put that nutcase out of
his misery.”

A Man:  “You keep talking about our king like that, and _both_ of
us will hang.”

Bearded Man:  “I’m not afraid of _that_ wacko_-- or General

Marcus [Mar]:  “You two!  Back to work!  Less cackle-- more
spackle!  Why isn’t that statue of Aphrodite knocked down, yet?!”

A Man:  “To be honest, General-- we’re scared.”

Bearded Man:  “If Aphrodite finds out we destroyed her statue,
our, uh-- love life could suffer.”

Aph:  “Better believe it, hammer-head.”

Mar:  “You won’t _have_ a life if that statue’s still standing
when the king gets back.”

A Man:  “General Marcus-- we know King Augeus hasn’t been well,
but-- he has to realize-- ”

Mar:  “Watch your mouth!  Now, back to work!  When I return, I
wanna see her-- _on_ her back!”

Aph:  “Hey!  You watch your mouth!”

Mar:  “Citizens of  Elis--it would be unwise to forget-- that by
the king’s command-- this temple _now_ belongs to Hera!”

Aph:  “Don’t bet on it.”


King Augeus [Au]:  “My people-- I have good news.  No longer are
you to be enslaved by the land.  I decree that, from this moment
forth-- you’ll be free to live life as you choose-- be masters of
your own fate-- anwering to no one.  Now, go-- start your new
life.  Go.  Go, go, go, go!  I said, ‘Go!’  Go, go, go.  Go.”


Palamedes [Pal]:  “Here we are, my beauties!  Sorry dinner is so
late, but grain is getting scarce!  The livestock’s gone!”

Au:  “Is there a problem, Palamedes?”

Pal:  “What’s happened to the livestock?”

Au:  “Ah-- I’ve decreed that all dumb animals should be set
free!”  [Laughs]

Pal:  “Could you tell me where they’re exercising their new-found

Au:  “Who knows?  It’s their choice.”  [Laughs]

Pal:  “I have looked out for you since we were kids, Augeus.  We
have talked about this.  You’re not supposed to meddle.”

Au:  “I can do whatever I like-- stablemaster!  And I’m not--

Pal:  “Ah.  Ah.”

Au:  “I am Zeus-- king of the gods!”  Hah!  Hah!”  [Laughs.
Laughs.  Laughs]



Sal:  “I can’t tell ya how much it would mean to me, to get your
endorsement on this Augean stables manure.”

H:  “Salmoneus, I agreed to introduce you to the stablemaster--
that’s all.”

Sal:  “We’re talkin’ about one of your twelve great labors!  This
will immortalize you.  Think of it-- your likeness on every sack
of freshly-- ”

H:  “That’s not exactly the way I wanna be remembered.”

Sal:  “OK-- we lose the likeness.  How about your signature-- in
the corner?”

H:  “A meeting with Palamedes.  That’s it.”

Sal:  “Aww.  Ow.”

H:  “I wonder what’s going on over there.”

Man’s Voice:  “Antreus [?]!  Come quickly!”

Sal:  “Ow.”


A Man’s Voice:  “Oh-- man.”

Sal:  “Uh-oh.”

A Man:  “I told you we should’ve just knocked it over.  Now, what
do we do?”

Bearded Man:  “Oh, what does it matter?  We’re just gonna melt it
down, anyway.”

Aph:  “I’ll melt _you_ down.”

H:  “W-w-wait!”

Aph:  “Herc, what are _you_ doing here?”

H:  “I could ask you the same thing.”

Aph:  “I’m looking for King Augeus.  That creep had the nerve to
rededicate _my_ temple to Hera.  I oughtta fry him like a fish.”

Sal:  “Um, Hercules?  Huh-- who are you talking to?”

H:  “It’s, uh-- Aphrodite.”

Sal:  “Aphrodite-- what’s she wearing?”

Aph [Giggles]:  “Should I give him a cheap thrill?”

H:  “No-- ”

Aph:  “Hello, again, Stud-muffin.”

Sal:  “Hello again, voluptuous ones.  Um-- last time we met-- you
promised you’d rock my world?”

Aph:  “Uh-- you’re gonna have to rock it yourself, Baby-cakes.
I’m on a mission.  It boggles the mind-- Augeus dumping me for
cow face.”

H:  “That’s the problem.  See-- his mind is already a little--
boggled?  I-I-- I don’t think he’s doing this out of spite.”

Aph:  “Well then, you better talk to him.  If he doesn’t stop--
I’ll show him what spite is all about.  Later.”

Sal:  “Oh, yeah-- I’m her Stuff-mutton.  Hmm!  She wants me like
Charon wants coins.”

Man’s Voice:  “Yes, sir.”

Sal:  “Wait a second.  That copper-- melting the-- Hercules-- how
do you feel about commemorative coins?”

H:  “Salmoneus?  Let’s find Palamedes.”

Sal:  “Nuh!  A special offer!  With every sack of manure-- a free
Hercules coin!  Maybe not free.  Oh!  Suitable for framing!
Amaze your friends!  Confuse your enemies!”


H:  “He’s not in the house.  Palamedes!”

Pal’s Voice:  [Moans]

H:  “Palamedes-- what happened?”

Pal:  “Uh, Hercules.”

H [?]:  “W-w-wait!  Take it easy.  Take it easy.”


Pal:  “Hercules.”

H [Chuckles]:  “Welcome back.”

Pal:  “Who’s your friend?”

Sal:  “Salmoneus is the name-- manure is the game.  I’d like to
talk to you about the possibility--”

H:  “_Now_-- isn’t the time.”

Sal:  “Time is dinars, Hercules.  From the look of things-- he
might not have much-- I’m sorry.”

H:  “Palamedes, who did this to you?”

Pal:  “Ah, King Augeus.”

H:  “Huh?”

Pal:  “He thinks he’s Zeus.  I caught one of his ‘lightning

H:  “Come again?”

Pal:  “He’s painted these rocks silver and-- guh!”

H:  “I-- get the picture.  That explains the temple.  He must
think Hera is his wife.  But, uh-- why are the stables empty?”

Pal:  “The poor fool wanted to free the livestock.  We depend on
those animals for food.  I have to-- get after them.”

H:  “No, no, no, no, no, no, you-- rest.  I’ll-- take care of

Sal:  “Whoa, whoa, whoa.  You mean every cow?!  Bull?!  Heifer?!

H:  “Don’t worry.  I’ll bring them back.”

Sal:  “I hope so!  No cow, no cow flop!  I’ll be ruined!”


Au:  “Oh.  Oh.  It’s kind of-- late for a lunch break, isn’t it,

Mar:  “When the people learned of your decision to-- free the
livestock, they-- left the temple in protest.”

Au:  “And you just-- let them go?”

Mar:  “I couldn’t kill ‘em all.”

Au:  “Why not?  Defying the will of Zeus-- is punishable by

Mar:  “You-- your Highness, I-I-I appeal to you.  Let the people
return to the fields.  The harvest is nearly lost, and now,
without the herds, we may all starve!”

Au:  “What is-- this ‘Highness’ stuff?!  Huh?”

Mar:  [Gulps]

Au:  “Oh, you doubt that I am Zeus?”

Mar:  “No, sire-- uh, uh-- mighty Zeus.  All I want-- i-is what
is best for the kingdom.”

Au:  “I decide what’s best.  Now, assemble the troops.  We’ll
ride into the city after I speak-- with my queen.”


Man’s Voice:  “Now, we have to travel to the next village.”


Sal:  “Ahh!  Ooh!  Uh.”

H:  “Bee sting still-- bothering you?”

Sal:  “A little.  I don’t have time to think about that.  I gotta
get to that temple-- make a deal for the broken statue, and find
a forge to melt it down.”

H [Interrupting]:  “Ah-ah-ah-ah-I would think twice before
messing around with anything-- of Aphrodite’s.  OK?  Besides, I--
need you to keep an eye on Palamedes while _I_ go look for the

Sal:  “Whoa, whoa!  What happens if that wacko shows up here,
huh?!  Ahh!  Oww!  Ow-oww!  Wha-- ?!”

Melanippe [Mel]:  “Sorry.  Hercules.”

H:  “Uh-- Melanippe.  Wow, you, uh, look, uh-- i-it’s been a
while.  Uh-- ”

Mel:  “Father?  What happened?”

H:  “Oh, he had a run-in with the king.”

Mel [Sighs]:  “I was afraid something like this would happen.”

H:  “He’ll be all right.  He’s just resting.”

Sal:  [Clears throat]

H:  “Oh-- uh-- by the way, this is-- Salmoneus-- and he’ll be
staying here, while I go look for Augeus.  Uh-- you’re studying
medicine, aren’t you?”

Mel:  “Yes.”

H:  “Maybe you could take a-- look at his bee sting.  See ya.”

Mel:  “So-- bee sting?  Where is it?”

Sal:  “Oh-- it’s-- nowhere you could-- i-i-it’s not-- Ah!  Ow-w!
Ow-w!  Ow-w!  Ow-w!  Ow-w!  Ow-w!  Ow-w!”

Mel:  [Giggles]


Au:  “These people don’t understand how hard it is to run a
universe!  I’m surrounded by incompetents!”

Aph:  “Ex-squeeze me?  If you’re lookin’ for Hera, you got the
wrong address, Honey.”

Au:  “Who-- ?  Oh.  Aphrodite!  Well-- if it isn’t Daddy’s little

Aph:  “As if.”

Au:  “Young lady-- if you expect to get the reins to the chariot
tonight, you’re gonna have to wear something a little more--
presentable than that.”

Aph:  “Very cute, clueless.  But I’m here to reclaim my temple.”

Au:  “Oh-- I’m sensing a little hostility in the atrium.  I tell
you what-- Daddy’s late for a town meeting.  You behave
yourself-- and when I get back, we’ll have a _nice_ long talk
about it.  OK?  Ha-ha-ha-ha.”

Aph:  “Herc was right-- that guy is definitely two bunnies shy of
a hutch.  Now, hmm-- what _this_ place needs is just a little bit
more-- me.  Mmm-- much better.”


Man’s Voice:  “Say the word.”

H:  “The word-- is, ‘Don’t.’  Are you all right?”

Grey Beard:  “Yeah.”

H:  “What’s going on here?”

Tall Man:  “King Augeus ordered the old man killed to punish the
people for abandoning their work at the temple.”

H:  “And you obey him?”

Tall Man:  “He’s the king-- we follow orders.”

Au:  “Ha-ha!  Whoa!  What’s the meaning of this?!  Why wasn’t
that man killed?!”

Mar:  “Great Zeus-- perhaps the arrival of your son-- Hercules--
forced a delay.”

H [Aside to Mar]:  “So, he really thinks he’s Zeus.”

Mar [Aside to H]:  “Humor him.”

Au:  “My boy!  [Laughs]  You’re looking-- well!  Oh-- let’s say--
we toss the old lightning bolt around, once I’m done with this
business, huh?!”

H:  “Ah-- I-I-I-I-you know?  Maybe, uh-- some other time.  I-- ”

Mar:  [Clears throat]

H:  “I-- actually, I-I’m-- _surprised_ that the king of the gods
would stoop to killing a lowly mortal, just to-- make a point.”

Au:  “Oh.  Perhaps you’re right, Son.  I haven’t been feeling
like myself, lately.  Cease all extermination of the peasantry!”

Mar:  “Wise decision, King Augeus.”

Au:  “What did you call me?!”

Mar:  “Uh-- I-I meant-meant, ‘Zeus.’”

Au:  “Teach my general some manners.”

H:  “Oh-- come on, Augeus.  This is ridiculous.”

Au [Interrupting]:  “Ahh!  My son needs a lesson, too!  Get them!
Well, what are you waiting for?!  Do you wanna lose _your_

Men:  “Ahhhhhhhhh!”

Au:  “Wait!  All right!”


Men’s Voices:  “Give it to him!”  “Let’s bring him down!”

Mar:  “Have you forgotten about your general?!”

Man’s Voice:  “That’s the way!”

Mar:  “If you want a fight-- I’ll give you a fight!”

Men’s Voices:  “All together!  We’ve got him!”  “Grab him!”

Au:  “Ahhhhhhhhh!  Will you speak with respect to your elders?!”

H [?]:  “Yeah!”

Men:  “You all right?”  “Yeah.”  “Come on.   Let’s get out of
here!”  “Easy.”

H:  “Augeus-- what’s going on?  This isn’t like you.”

Au:  “Ah.  You’ll-- pay for this-- humiliation!  Out of my way!
I’m still king of the gods!”

H:  “Well?”

Mar:  “Augeus was always a bit off, but-- he was harmless, so
people put up with his eccentricities.  Lately, he’s got worse.
Now, he’s downright dangerous.”


Au [Screams]:  “Look at yourself.  Is that any kind of appearance
for the-- king of the gods?!  No wonder they don’t-- respect you.

Hera’s Voice:  [Laughs]

Au:  “Who-- who who are you?”

Hera’s Voice:  “Why, Zeus-- don’t you recognize your wife?”

Au:  “Hera?  Is that you?  My queen?”

Hera’s Voice [Laughs]:  “Throw it.”

Au:  “Th-- throw it?”

Hera’s Voice:  “How does it feel to possess that kind of power?”

Au:  “Good-- real good.”

Hera’s Voice:  “The powers are yours to keep-- but on one
condition-- you must kill Hercules by sunset.”

Au:  “So be it.”



Man’s Voice:  “You did it!”

Pal:  “We can’t thank you enough for returning the livestock,

H:  “Well, I’m glad I could help out.”

Bearded Man:  “Hercules-- ”

Man’s Voice:  “There’s mutton for dinner tonight!”

Bearded Man:  “Uh, can we have a word?”

H:  “Sure.”

Bearded Man:  “Um-- we-- have a request.”

H:  “OK.”

A Man:  “We-- want you to kill the king.”

H:  “I can’t do that.  I know you have a problem, but that’s no
way to solve it.”

Bearded Man:  “You saw what he did to Palamedes, and-- the old
man at the well, and-- next time, somebody could die.”

H:  “Augeus is still a human being, and not-- totally responsible
for his actions, and [Sighs]-- look, I’ll-- speak to him on your
behalf.  Maybe, I can persuade him to step down.”

A Man:  “I hope so.  Because if he refuses-- the people are ready
to revolt.”

Sheep’s Voice:  “Baaaaaaaaah.”


H:  “You’re looking happier.”

Aph:  “I got my temple back looking the way it should.”

H:  “It’s important to have one’s priorities in order.”

Aph:  “Mm-hmm.”

Pal:  “Hercules.”

H:  “Hey, Palamedes.  Shouldn’t you-- be at home resting?”

Pal:  “The villagers have asked me to talk to you.  They have a

H:  “Uh, I know, I know.  They want me to kill Augeus.”

Pal:  “Actually, it’s-- Aphrodite they’re angry with.”

Aph:  “They wanna kill me?”

H:  “Uh-- this might not be the time to-- ”

Pal:  “For generations, we’ve worshipped her faithfully.  But
she’s done nothing to help us with the king.”

Aph:  “Uh.”

H:  “Maybe we should discuss this later.  I-- ”

Pal:  “We’re all, ‘Give, give, give’-- and Aphrodite’s all,
‘Take, take, take.’  And then-- when we need her help-- she’s
never around.”

Aph:  “Look, pal-- you people were ready to throw me over for
Hera, and now you want _my_ help?!  Forget it!  I’m outta here!”

Pal:  “Ah-- that was Aphrodite?”

H:  “Oh, yeah.”

Pal:  “Don’t tell me she heard.”

H:  “Every  word.”


Sal:  “Ahhh-- excuse me.”

Mel:  “Mm-hmm?”

Sal:  “Uh-- could you hurry, please?  I’m getting a nasty draft.”

Mel:  “This won’t take a minute.”

Sal:  “Very attractive.”

Mel:  “Salmoneus!”

Sal:  “I mean the bowl!  It’s really nice work.”

Mel:  “Oh.  It was made for me by a local craftsman for my

Sal:  “Ahh!  Ahh!  Whoa!  For a warm-hearted girl, you got some
cold hands, there.  Ah, ah.  Ah.”

Mel:  “How does that feel?”

Sal:  “Ah-- that’s incredible.  The pain is gone!  Thank you.
Oop.  Ow!  That’s cold.  Has your friend ever tried to engrave
something?  Say, like a coin?”

Mel:  “I don’t know.  Why do you ask?”

Sal:  “I have an idea that could make me-- him-- you, us-- a-all
of us-- uh, together-- a lot of money.”

Mel:  “I’m not that interested in money.  I just wanna help

Sal:  “You’re so sweet.  And you’ve led such a sheltered life.”


Pal:  “Aphrodite.  My humblest apologies.”

Aph:  “Get up.  I’m not gonna waste you.  We have to talk.  Uh--
can’t you _do_ something about this smell?!”

Pal:  “Oh, sorry, but, uh-- it is a stable.”

Aph:  “Whatever.  Anyway-- those things you said about me to
Hercules-- was that some sort of a bad joke?”

Pal:  “I can’t lie to you, Aphrodite.  It was the truth.”

Aph:  “What are you people?  Weirdos?!  How can you hate the
goddess of love?!”

Pal:  “No one hates you, Aphrodite.  The people just feel you’ve
neglected them, and-- to tell the truth-- you have.”

Aph:  “Let’s see you try to keep the whole world in bed and out
of trouble.”

Pal:  “Well, you’re right.  We probably expect too much from you.
But maybe if you worried less about your temples and more about
the people who worship-- oh, I’m sorry.  I’ve offended you

Aph:  “Yeah, but-- it takes a lot of guts to tell a goddess when
she’s wrong.  I respect that.  Now, this smell-- I’m starting to


H:  “Pardon me, have-- have you seen the king?”

Man:  “Heh?  Mm-mmm.”

H:  “Thanks.”

Pal:  “Hercules-- any luck finding Augeus?”

H:  “No-- no one has seen him since he wandered off yesterday.”

Pal:  “Ah-- well-- if I know the king, he’ll turn up.”

H:  “Let’s check the village one more time.”

Pal:  “You know?  When we were younger, he looked up to me like
an older brother.  It seemed like I was the only one who could
reason with him.  Now, I don’t think anyone can-- not me, not
even you.”

H:  “Well, someone needs to talk to him.”

Pal:  “Yeah.  Actually, I-- just had a nice, little talk, myself,
with-- your sister.  And a very lovely woman, I might add.”

H:  “Ah, most men would agree.”

Pal:  “I was-- referring to the beauty in here.”

H:  “Really?  Well, then, you’re one of the few who’s bothered to
get past her good looks.”


Soldier:  “General!  Still no sign of the king, General.”

Mar:  “Keep looking.  Recruit the townspeople if necessary, but--
find him!”

Soldier:  “Right away.  Come on.”

Mar:  “I never should have let him go.”

Au:  “Miss me?”  [Laughs]

Mar:  “Sire-- y-you’re-- all right!”

Au:  “Yeah-- fat lot you care!  Standing by while my own son
disgraced me?!  You’ll pay for that.”

Mar:  “But, your High-- Zeus-- wh-what Hercules did to you was an

Au:  “What I do to him won’t be.  Watch.  [Laughs]  Ahhhh-- it’s
good to be-- king of the gods.”  [Laughs]


Sal:  “It helps people to have beautiful things.”

Mel:  “He might not be interested.  He’s a craftsman-- an

Sal:  “And I respect that.  With the money he’s gonna make, he
could open up his own gallery.  What we do, see, is melt down
Aphrodite’s statue.”

Mel [Interrupting]:  “Ho-ho!”

Sal:  “Whoa-ho, wait!  It’s OK with her!  It was broken, anyway.
Mint the coins-- have your friend draw Hercules’ image on them.
Hey-- could he do a charcoal rendering on a burlap sack?”

Mel:  “I’m not sure.”

Sal: “How about forging his signature?”

Mel:  “Forgery?!”

Sal:  “I’m sorry!  I’m sorry!  It’s-- the wrong word.  [Laughs]
I meant-- an _interpretation_ of his signature.”

Sal’s Voice:  “Sorry!”

H:  “You guys all right in there?”

Mel:  “We’re fine!”

Sal:  “Yeah, we’re just discussing the economics-- and esthetic
value of-- commemorative coins!”  [Chuckles]

H:  “Yeah-- right.”

Au:  “Ah-ah-ah-ah.  No dessert till you finish your vegetables,
young man.”

H:  “Augeus-- uh!”


Au:  “I’d hoped we could be one big, happy family.  But for me to
stay king of the gods-- Hera needs you dead by sundown.”

H:  “Hera, huh?  Figures.  That explains the backhand.”

Mel:  “Hercules?”

Sal’s Voice:  “Hercules, what’s wrong?!”

Au:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Ha-ha-ha-ha!”

H:  “Palamedes, get out of here!”

Pal:  “What’s happened?!  Where’s Melanippe?!”

Au:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

Pal:  “Uh!”

Au:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Shmokin!”  [Laughs]

Sal’s Voice:  “Hold on, Hercules, we’re coming!  Hold on!”

H:  “Palamedes?  Palamedes.”

Mel:  “Father!”

H:  “I’m sorry-- he’s dead.”



Sal:  “Hercules?  I don’t get it.  How could Augeus throw real
lightning bolts?”

H:  “Hera gave him the powers of a god.  She wants him to kill me
by sundown.”

Sal:  “Aphrodite?!”

H:  “Wait, you can see her?”

Sal:  “Yeah.”

Aph:  “This time, Hera’s gone too far-- giving that crazy king
those powers.”

Mel:  “Please-- please, my father didn’t deseve this fate.
You’re a goddess.  Isn’t there something you can do to help him?”

Aph:  “I’m sorry.  If you wanna marry a prince-- that I can do.
But this is-- totally out of my league.”

Mel:  “How can you just let him die like this?  After all we’ve
done to honor you?  Please.  Please, can’t you bring him back?”

Aph:  “OK.  Hades owes me one.  I can call in a marker.  But this
is a one-time deal, you understand?  This aura will keep his
spirit from going to the other side.  But it’s only good until

Mel:  “But there’s-- ”

Aph:  “I’m sorry.  It’s the best I can do.”

Sal:  “Don’t worry.  Hercules will find a way-- to bring him
back.  Won’t you?”

H:  “Yeah.”


H:  “Aphrodite-- are you crying?”

Aph:  “Can’t a goddess have a little privacy?”

H:  “I didn’t realize Palamedes meant that much to you.”

Aph:  “He respected me-- for what he saw below the surface.”

H:  “Well, he’s a-- special man  I’ve just never seen you like
this-- at least, not over a mortal.”

Aph:  “Did you think I don’t have feelings?  Maybe you don’t know
me as well as you thought you did.”

H:  “Maybe not.  I’ll leave you alone.”

Aph:  “What are you gonna do?”

H:  “I’m gonna see if I-- can find a way to revive Palamedes--
and-- stop Augeus before he destroys the whole kingdom.”

Aph:  “Maybe I can help.  I could keep the king busy while you
work on Palamedes.”

H:  “That’s a good idea.”

Aph:  “Just remember, that aura only works until sundown.”

H:  “What is it with gods and sundown?”


Au:  “This time-- right down the middle!”

Soldier:  “Sire!”

Au:  “For the love of me, what now?”

Soldier:  “The troops are ready to march on the city-- as you

Au:  “Good.  It’s time my subjects gave me the respect I deserve.
I’m afraid they’re gonna have to learn the hard way-- like
General Marcus, here!”

Aph:  “Daddy!”

Mar:  “Ahh!”

Au:  “Aphrodite?  Shouldn’t you be at-- goddess finishing school
or something?”

Aph:  “Expelled-- bad attitude.  Actually-- I’ve been thinking,
that with Hercules gone, we should _really_ be spending some more
time together.  So-- I’m moving in.”

Au:  “Moviing in?”

Aph:  “Mm-hmm.”

Au:  “Here?”

Aph:  “Mm-hmm.”

Soldior:  “Sire!  The troops are waiting!”

Au:  “Ah-- tell ‘em to-- uh, stand down.  You’re right, Kitten--
family comes first.”


Artisan:  “Lovely, aren’t they?”

Sal:  “You’re doing excellent work-- excellent.  Now, as soon as
you emboss the rest of these-- the market for commemorative coins
will be [Snaps fingers] open.”

Artisan:  “Speaking of which-- when am I gonna be paid?”

Sal:  “Keep your tunic on!  I’m good for it.  I’m a little short
of cash right now.  Um, how do you feel about taking manure in

Artisan:  “You gotta be kidding, right?”

Sal:  “Kidding?!  This is no ordinary manure!  I’m talkin’ about
the stuff Hercules cleaned out of the Augean stables in his

Artisan:  “So-- you wanna pay me with-- cow dung?”

Sal:  “Cow du-- .  I’m not talking about cow dung.  This-- is a
piece of history.  This is the stuff of-- legends-- and gods.”

Artisan:  “Holy sh-- ”

Sal [Interrupting]:  “Exactly-- ya can’t put a price on something
like this.  And for your efforts, I’m willing to part with--
shall we say?  Four bags?”

Artisan:  “You’re low-ballin’ me.”

Sal:  “Five bags-- my final offer.”

H:  “Salmoneus.”

Sal:  “Yeah.”

H:  “Have you seen that copper arm from Aphrodite’s statue.”

Sal:  “It’s over there.  We melted it down.”

H:  “That’s all right.  Thanks.”

Sal:  “Where are you going with that?!”

H:  “Don’t worry.  It’s for a good cause.”

Sal:  “I paid good money for that!”


Aph:  “And then _she_ told me that she said that I never even
said that, which is _totally_ not true.  So I told Athena to tell
Artemis that if she didn’t return the sandals she borrowed-- I
was going-- oh!”

Hera’s Voice:  “Augeus!”

Au:  “Hera.  Is there a problem-- my queen?”

Hera’s Voice:  “Hercules is still alive, you idiot!”

Au:  “Alive?  Oh, no, no, no-- that’s impossible.”

Hera’s Voice:  “He plots your destruction while we speak!  Why do
you think _she’s_  here?!”

Au:  “Why-- are you here?”

Aph:  “Aw-- Daddy-- you have been enjoying our little
father-daughter chats-- haven’t you?”

Hera’s Voice:  “She’s playing you for a fool!”

Aph:  “That’s not true-- entirely.”

Au:  “I’m afraid, Kitten, you give me no choice-- ”

Aph:  “You _always_ take her side!  Uhhhh.  Ahh!”

Hera’s Voice:  “This time, your son will come to you-- and I
expect you to _finish_ the job!”

Au:  “Consider it done-- my queen.  ”  



Sal:  “Oohhhhhh!  You sure this is gonna work?”

H:  “Nope-- but it’s worth a shot.  I’ve seen lighning do a lotta
strange things, and I’m hoping a strong enough blast might revive

Sal:  “Uh-huh-- and you really think you can control lightning
with a piece of copper.  Old buddy-- you’ve taken too many blows
to the head.  And where do these lightning bolts come from?  You
gonna let Augeus stand there and throw them at you?”

H:  “Yeah.  Excuse us.  We need to get inside the temple.”

Guard:  “The temple is closed.”

Mel:  “Please, this is important.”

Guard:  “I’m sure it is-- but the only way _you’re_ getting
inside that temple-- is over _our_ dead bodies.”

Sal:  “Uh, you might wanna rephrase that.”

H:  “They could use more training.”


Aph:  “Uh!  Busted to prison guard.  That’s a long drop from

Mar:  “Aphrodite, please.  I don’t wanr any more trouble.”

Aph:  “Oh?  Well, then you shouldn’t be wearing this.  Pucker up.
Sorry about that.  Are you OK?”

Mar:  “Never better.”


Sal:  “I don’t mean to be a pest, Hercules-- but the last time I
checked-- it was getting dark!”

H:  “We have to move him to the center of the atrium.”

Sal:  “What do you mean, ‘We’?”

H:  “Uh-- help.”

Sal:  [Moans]

H:  “It won’t-- budge!”

Au:  “How many times have I told those kids-- not to play in the

Mel:  “Hercules-- the sun’s almost down.  Please, hurry!”

H:  “I’ve got it!”

Sal:  “Careful!  The statue! “

Mel:  “That was close.”

Sal:  “So was that!”

H:  “Yeah.”

Au:  “Daddy’s home!”  [Laughs]

H:  “You guys keep your heads down!”

Mel:  “No problem.”

H:  “OK, Augeus-- hit me with your best shot.”

Au:  “Augeus-- oh-ho-- that’s it, young man.  You are

Aph:  “That tears it.  We’re talking-- _big-time_ retribution

Au:  “When you see Hades-- tell him _Zeus_ sends his best!

Aph:  “Now, who’s grounded?”

Mel:  “Father!”

Sal:  “He’s alive!  Alive!”

H:  “Augeus.  Smoke-- stuff’ll kill ya.”

Au:  “Hercules.  What are _you_ doing here?  Oh-- I feel like
I’ve been run over by a chariot.”

H:  “Actually, it was more like lightning, but don’t worry, I-- I
know a good healer.  Come on.”

H:  “Palamedes-- you’re back.”

Mel:  “Thanks to you.  We can take care of him, now.”

H:  “Are you sure he’s up to it?”

Pal:  “I’m fine.”

Mel:  “And I’ll help out.  Father and Augeus have been friends
for so long, it’s almost like they’re family.”

Au:  “Palamedes-- thank the gods it’s you.”

Pal:  “Come on, Augeus-- old  friend.”

Au:  “Actually, the name’s-- Ulysses.  Perhaps you’ve heard of
me.  Huh?  I’ve been thinking about having a little cruise around
the Mediterranean.”


Sal:  “Now, what’s the deal?”

Man:  “Three hundred dinars for this work of art.”

Sal:  “Not in this lifetime.  [Laughs]

Man:  “But, it’s-- it’s an original.”

Sal:  “The nerve of some people.”

H:  “What now?”

Sal:  “These two guys from Milo-- trying to sell me that statue
of Aphrodite.  Do they think I was born yesterday?  What good is
a statue without arms?  Aphrodite de Milo-- ”  [Laughs]

Aph:  “He’s right-- they should fix it.”

H:  “I don’t know.  I kind of like it.  By the way, I-- never got
to thank you.”

Aph:  “For what?”

H:  “For putting that-- aura-- around Palamedes, giving us a
chance to revive him.”

Aph:  “You’re the one who did all the work.  I never would have
come up with that lightning idea.”

H:  “Well, you helped out a-- little bit there, too.”

Aph [Laughs]:  “Yeah, I did, didn’t I?  We work pretty well
together, big brother.”

H:  “That we do.  And I got to see a side of you I’ve never--
seen before.”

Aph:  “Really?  Which side is that?”

H:  “Ah, your _in--side_.  And I liked what I saw.  I’d say
you’re-- quite a piece of art-- with or-- without arms.”

Aph:  “Really?”

H:  “Really.”

Aph:  “You’re so cool, sometimes!”


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