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“One Fowl Day”  Episode 417/76


Narrator:  “Last time, on Hercules-- ”

[[[[[[Autolycus [Auto]:  “Hercules!”  Auto and I:  “Hercules?”
Colchis:  “Why would I wanna kill a pig?”  Discord:  “Because
this pig-- is Hercules.”  Catherine [Cath]:  “Hi, there.  Nice
day for a ride, don’t you think?  I’m Catherine.”  Porkules:
“Are-are-- are you talkin’-- to me?”  I:  “If we had Hermes’
sandals-- we could cover this _entire province_ in no time!”
Auto:  “I’ll help you steal those sandals, but we do it my way,
capeche?”  Porkules:  “We’re in a slaughterhouse-- and the man
who brought us here is a butcher.”  Porkules:  “OK-- think,
Herc.”  I:  [Laughs]  Auto:  “Stop this crazy thing!  Whoooa!
Oo-ooh!  Ooh!  Whoa!”  Discord:  “You idiot!  This isn’t
Hercules!”  Colchis:  “What?!”  Discord:  “That pigs’s a girl!”
Ares:  “Whoa!”  I:  “Way to go, Favio.”  Auto:  “What’s the
matter, Discord?  Chicken?”  Ares:  “You!  Are on _my_ list!”  I:
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.”  Porkules:  “You know, it’s not too
late to go back.”  Cath:  “Will you-- come with me?”  Porkules:
“It would be my pleasure to take you home.”]]]]]]


H:  “See, if I could, I-I-- I’d tell you that everthing is gonna
be OK-- you know, that your-- family’s not gonna be upset that
you ran away, and that-- well, they’re gonna be glad that you
came home.”

Cath:  “That’s all well and good as far as it goes, but there was
more to my running away than I told you.”

H:  “Catherine-- I-- I can still understand you!”

Cath:  “Well, it’d be sad if you forgot _everything_ you learned
as a pig.”

H:  “Yeah!  But you just let me go on and on-- ever since we left
my mother’s house, without-- so much as an oink!  I mean, why
didn’t you tell me we could still talk to each other?!”

Cath:  “I wasn’t sure-- you’d _want_ to, since you’re human
again.  Humans are sort of above the rest of us.  That’s what
most of ‘em seem to believe, anyway-- that, they’re superior.”

H:  “I’ve been both.  I, uh-- I know better.”


Discord/Chicken:  “Enough!  OK?!  Fix this!  Lean on Artemis!
Get her to change me back!”

Ares:  “Not to hurry, Discord.  The possibilities here are--

Discord/Chicken:  “Not a chance!  Pull it on some other pullet.
Just give me back my body!”

Ares:  “All in good time.  You were close to greatness.  Turning
Hercules into a porker, it was what?  Genius.  But, you blew it.
You just had to be the porkee.”

Discord/Chicken:  “You’ve got a one-track mind.  What do you want
from me?  Beside the obvious.  What can a _chicken_ do to

Ares:  “My mind isn’t on my brother, right now.  It’s on that
piddling mortal who did this to you-- Iolaus.  I’m offended he
thought he could get away with it.”

Discord/Chicken:  “You’re offended.  How do you think _I_ feel?!
My giblets are in a stew!”

Ares:  “Your giblets got you into this in the first place.
Perhaps it’ll teach you to keep your tail feathers together.
What?!  Oh-- you are really twisted, you know that?  I think I’ll
leave you the way you are for now-- give you time to think about
how you screwed up the perfect opportunity.”

Discor/Chicken:  “Don’t push it.  Next time-- it won’t be an


Auto:  “Hah!  What kind of gratitude was that?!  Let me tell you
something.  Hermes without his little sandals is a nobody.  You
think he’d be glad to get ‘em back.”

I:  “Well-- considering we _stole_ them in the first place, I can
_understand_ his attitude.”

Auto:  “Well, I still think it was a bad idea.  You know,
eventually, I would’ve gotten the hang of flying those little
puppies, and it would’ve been _very_ handy.”

I:  “Oh, yeah, handy for quick getaways, leaving no trace.”

Auto:  “No, no-- you misunderstood me.  I meant ‘handy’ in-- a
good way.”

I:  “You mean, like you could steal everything, and anything?
That’s your idea of a good way.”

Auto:  “I prefer to think of it as honing my craft.”

I:  [Chuckling as he speaks]  “Oh, please-- ahh!”

Ares [appears with lightning and a crash of thunder]:  [Laughs]

I:  “Ares.”

Auto:  “Oh, I got a bad feeling.”

Ares:  “Oh, it’s-- gonna be so much more than a bad feeling.
Does _this_ look familiar?!”

Discord/Chicken:  “Let me at ‘em!”

Auto:  “Ah-- well-- the-- ah, the beak looks-- familiar, but--
you know what?  To tell you the truth, all chickens pretty much
look the same to me.”  [Chuckles]

I:  “So, what do you think, uh-- original recipe or-- spartacue

Auto and I:  [Laugh]

Ares:  “Impudent toad!  Before this day is out, you’ll be
grovelling for mercy.  Get ready for the worst day of your
miserable lives!”

Auto:  [Laughs]  “Doesn’t he know I’m the king of thieves?  I’ll
shuck these toys like a bad habit.”

Ares:  “Those chains were forged by Hephaestus.  No lock to
pick-- no way to get out.  You two are stuck with each other.  By
the end of the day-- you will despise each other.”

I:  “That’ll be an improvement.”

Ares:  “Yep.  OK.  She doesn’t think the chains are enough, and
you know?  I think I agree.  [Laughs]  I’ll be back.  Got a big
surprise in store-- for you-- Iolaus.”  [Laughs]



Auto:  “Oh, I don’t know why Ares included me in his little game.
You’re the one that turned Discord into a chicken!”

I:  “Yeah-- but only so she wouldn’t turn you into a rat-- which,
now that I think about it-- you already are!  Ahh!”

Auto and I:  “Oh!”

Auto:  “Will you watch we’re I’m going!”

I:  “Oh, look!  My arrangement!  You’ve rearranged my

Auto:  “Oh, what if I did?  There’s plenty of _small_ leaves

I:  “We gotta find some clothes.”

Auto:  “Ha-ha-ha!  OK!  Say we did?  How would we get ‘em on,
with these?!”

I:  “Ow!  Uh!  Hercules!  He’s the one that can break us free!
Before Ares comes back with his big surprise!  Whatever that is.”

Auto:  “OK-- and where do you suppose we find Hercules?  He could
be anywhere!”

I:  “What is this?!  Twenty questions?!  Catherine!  Hercules has
gone to take her home!  We’ll go there first!”

Auto:  “All right, well let’s get going.  I’m flapping in the
breeze, here!”

I:  “OK!”

Auto:  “Yeah!”

I:  “OK!”

Auto:  “OK!  Hay!”

I:  “Ahh!”

Auto and I:  “Ohh!”


Cath:  “I’ve been thinking about something, Hercules.  Would you
help me-- become human?”

H:  “But you don’t like humans.  Why would you wanna be one?”

Cath:  “Some of ‘em are pretty nice.  Humans can do as they
please.  Pigs can’t.”

H:  “Look, everyone lives with some limitations.  But-- you’re
smart-- and brave, and generous.  I’ve seen that.”

Cath:  “That’s well and good, as far as it goes, but I’m still a


Auto:  “The king of thieves in a sack!  My image is ruined!”

I:  “Listen, you!  Why don’t you just pick up the pace?!  Because
the sooner we get there, the sooner Hercules can _free_ us!  And
the sooner I’ll be rid of you!  Ahh!”

Auto:  “You know, two can play the yank game?”

I:  “Oh, yeah?”

Auto:  “Yeah!”

I:  “Ahh!  Do ya like-- hospital food?”

Auto:  “Ooh!  Ah!  You wanna wake up with a crowd around ya?”

I:  “Ahh!  You-- and whose army?”

Auto:  “Oh!  You’re lookin’ at him.”

I:  “Yeah?”

Auto:  “Yeah.”

[Various yelling and screaming as they fall in the mud]

Auto:  “Get up!”

I:  “Uh!”

Auto:  “It just keeps gettin’ better and better.”


I:  “Listen!  I told you!  I’m a hunter!  I’ve got an _excellent_
sense of direction, and the village is _this_ way!”

Auto:  “Yeah?  Well, I’m a thief.  And I robbed that town.  And
I’m tellin’ _you_, it’s back that way!”

I:  “Ah!  You couldn’t find your way out of a sock!  Hey!  Let’s
ask the little girl.”


Ares:  [Laughs]  “Oh, this is just _too_ good.”

Auto’s Voice:  “Little girl-- ”

Dis:  “You said it, Baby.”

Ares:  “Wait till they try and explain themselves.  No one’ll
understand a word they’re trying to say.”  [Laughs]


I:  “Hi, Honey.  It’s-- ”

[Incomprehensible gibberish]

Girl:  [Screams]

I:  “What is her _problem_?”

Auto:  “I don’t know.  Kids, these days.”


Village Leader:  “What is it?!  What’s wrong?!”

Girl:  “It was a monster!  It  looked like it was coming apart!
It tried to get me!”

Girl’s Mother:  “Come, Dear.”

Village Leader:  “Let’s get it!”

Villagers:  [Cheer]


H:  “Believe me, you don’t even wanna be-- _half_-human, I mean--
if the Fates had cast your destiny to be a human, you would’ve
_born_ that way.  But-- you were meant to be a pig.  I mean,
that’s  who you _are_.”

Cath:  “I know you’re right, but if I have a chance to change
that destiny and want to, shouldn’t I take it?  And shouldn’t you
help me?”

H:  “Look, Catherine, I wish I-- ”

Aphrodite [Aph]:  “Hmmm.”

H:  “Hello, Aphrodite.”

Cath:  “Who’s that?”

Aph:  [Chuckles]

H:  “Uh-- don’t ask.”

Aph:  “Don’t tell.  I’d expect this sort of thing from Ares, but
for you, Herc-- it’s a little kinky.”

H:  “Oh, you wish.”

Aph:  “I’m here as a favor to Artemis?”

H:  “Oh-- yeah, right.  I figured someone would be along.”

Aph:  “She’s very grateful to you, Hercola.  And she wants if
there’s anything she can do in return-- or that I can do for

H:  “No, just tell her thanks-- uh-- I was glad to help.”

Cath:  “Hercules-- once the bow is gone, so is my hope.  It’s my
one wish in life.  Please?”

Aph:  “I’m not up on my Pig Latin, but this sounds serious.”

Cath:  “It’ll break my heart if I stay a pig.”

H:  “She wants to be human.”

Aph:  “Honey-- you can wait until you’re old and _cold_ for a
_man_ to get a clue.  But, broken hearts are my department.”

H:  “Whoa, whoa, whoa.  A-Aphrodite, wh-- d-don’t-- ”

Aph:  “Yeah.  There you go, Hamlet.  If you’re gonna be one, you
might as well look your best.”

H:  “Thanks, Sis.”

Aph:  “You’re welcome, Bro.  Toodles.”

Cath/Human:  “Yippee!  Hee-hee!  Yippee!”



Cath/Human:  “Thank you, Hercules!  Thank you!  This is the
_happiest_ day of my life!”

H:  “You’re welcome.”

Cath/Human:  “Oh, but I never thought clothes would be so

H:  “Well, they’re kind of necessary.”

Cath/Human:  “I don’t see why.  Not on a-- beautiful, sunny day
like today.  Huh!  Look at that!”

H:  “What?  Oh, uh-- uh, Catherine, I don’t think-- no-- no--
n-n-it-- ”

Cath/Human:  “Whee!  Ahhhhhhh!”

H:  “Uh-- uh, Catherine, you really shouldn’t be-- uh-- I-- ”

Girl:  “Mama!  Look at the funny lady!”

Cath/Human:  “Whee!”

H:  “Uh-- uh-- Catherine, please-- there’s, there’s-- there’s--

Cath/Human:  “Ohhh, boy!”

H:  “Um-- ”

Woman:  “Oh!”

Man’s Voice:  “Oh, yeah-- take it off!”

H:  “Uh--”

Man’s Voice:  “Take it all off!”

H:  “Catherine, really-- this isn’t a-- good idea.  This--
there’s people here, and it’s just-- Catherine-- see, humans
don’t-- do-- this.”

Cath/Human:  “Hahhhh!”

Girl:  “Ah.”

Woman:  “Come with me.”

Cath/Human:  “Mmm-hmmmm.  Hahhhh!  Weee!”

H:  “She, uh-- says it’s good for her complexion.”

Man:  “I guess.”

Cath/Human:  “This is my _favorite_ thing in the world!”


Auto:  “All right, Mr.-- ‘I-know-where-we-are’-- where are we?
We’re lost!  That’s where we are!”

I:  “We’re headed north!  I _know_ where we are!”

Auto:  “Yeah-- so do I.  We’re in a swamp being eaten by bugs!”

I:  “Shush!  Hah!  Look!  A crowd of people came through here--
not long ago.  See?  The guy in the front was shorter than all
the others.”

Auto:  “That’s good, right?”

I:  “Yeah.”

Auto:  “Well, then, let’s find them.  Surely, they know the way
to civilization.”

I:  “Wait, sh.  Listen.”


[Villagers approaching Auto and I]

Man:  “We’re lost again, ain’t we?!  Ahh!  There’s no monster

Village Leader:  “Yes, there is!  You heard the girl!  And this
is the place he’ll be!”

Auto:  “Nothing gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling like a mob of
armed villagers.”

Man:  “Let’s get out of here.  Probably no monster, anyway!”  

I:  “Come on!”

Auto:  “OK-- ahh!”


Auto and I:  [Laugh]

Auto:  “Wow-- are we glad to see you!”

Ares:  [Laughs]


I:  “Yeah-- somebody lose a-- cow or-- something?”

[Incomprehensible gibberish]


Ares:  “You idiots!  They can’t understand a word you’re saying!”

Auto:  “I don’t think they can understand a word we’re saying.”

Discord/Chicken:  “You got it, Mud-boy.”


Village Leader:  “It’s the monster!”

Auto:  “Where?”

I:  “Huh?”

Auto and I:  “Ah!”

Village leader:  “Get him!”

Villagers:  [Cheer]  “Don’t let him escape!”  “Burn it alive!”
“No!  Skin it alive!”  “Maybe, over there!”  “Where’d he go?”
“Where’s he go?”  “Where?”  “Well, he’s over there.”  “No.”
“No.”  “No.”  “He went that-- !”  “Over there!”  “Yeah!”  “He
went that way!”  “He could be anywhere!”  “By that bush!”
“Where?!”  “Over there!”

I:  “Who are those guys?”

Auto:  “Beats me.  Do I look as bad as you?”

I:  “Yeah.  Whoa.”


Auto:  “You know, the one drawback of life on the run-- is
missing regular meals.  I am starved!”

I:  “Wait, don’t eat those!”

Auto:  “Hmm?”

I:  “It’s a goosenberry!  They’re supposed to be fermented!”

Auto:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha!  A common mistake to the untrained eye.
See, this, my friend, is a farkenberry-- it’s a cousin to the
goosenberry, but with one important difference.  See?  Your
farken doesn’t put you to sleep like your goosen.  If this was a
goosenberry-- I’d be sound asleep by now!  Hm-hm-hm-hm!
Hm-hm-hm!  Ha-ha-ha!  Hmm.  Hmm.  Hmm.”

I:  “Wait a sec-- farkenberries.”


I:  “Oh, great!  Huh!  Oh, boy!  I could do with some real


Ares:  “You want boots?  How ‘bout _big_ boots?  And the feet to
go with ‘em!”  [Laughs]


I:  “Ah!  Ah!  Ah!  Ah!  Ah!  Ah!  Oh!  What the-- ?!  Ahh!  Ahh!
Ah!  Ah!  Ah.  Ah.  Ah!  Ares!”


Ares:  [Laughs]


I:  “Ah, wha!  Whoa!  Hey, hey!  Don’t do that!”

Auto:  “Oh!  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Hey!  You got quite a set of
wafflestompers there!”


Ares:  “Oh.  You like ‘em?  Hey-- you got ‘em!”


Auto and I:  [Yelling]


Discord/Chicken:  “Come on!  Zap ‘em again!”


I/Monster:  “What’s happening?!”

Auto/Monster:  “What’s happening to us?!”

I:  “I don’t know!”

[Incomprehensible gibberish]


Ares:  “This is so much fun!”

Discord/Chicken:  “Is that it?  Is that all you’ve got?”

Ares:  “Oh, no.  Not at all.”  [Laugh]


Auto and I:  [Scream]


Woman’s Voice:  “One glass-- ”  [Other background voices as well]

Cath/Human:  “Huh!  This is beautiful!  Everyone’s so pretty!”

H:  “Well-- so are you.”

Cath/Human:  “Um-- I’ll-- return your shirt as soon as I find a
dress I like as much.”

H:  “Looks-- better on you than it does on me.”

Wolfgang:  “It’s always an honor to have you here, Hercules.
We’ll give you our best table.”

H:  “Oh-- thank you, Wolfgang.  It’s OK.  Right there.”

Cath/Human and H:  [Chuckle]

H:  “Sit.”

Cath/Human:  “I’m so hungry, I could eat an entire bucket of
slop.  What’s this?”

Wolfgang:  “Huh?”

Cath/Human:  “What’s this for?”

H:  “Oh, uh-- that goes-- on your lap-- like this.  Yeah.”

Waiter:  “Here you are.”

Cath/Human:  “After this, I’d like to take a look around by
myself-- feel what it’s like to be one of you.”

H:  “That’s a good idea.  I’ll be around if you need me.”

Cath/Human:  “This is so exciting!”

Woman’s Voice:  “Oh!”

H:  “Catherine?”

Cath/Human:  “This is delicious.  Mmmm!”

Woman:  “That is disgusting!  Eats like an animal!  Like a pig!”

Wolfgang:  “Hercules-- I’m sorry, but, this won’t do!”

H:  “Oh, um-- of course, it will!”

Diners’ Voices:  “Oh!  “Really!”  “-- not to be tolerated!”  “--
in this restaurant!”

H:  “Um, it’s _very_ good soup!  It’s a little salty for my
taste, but it’s _very_ good.”

Cath/Human:  “Mmmm.”

Wolfgang:  “Thank you-- I-I suppose.”

Man’s Voice:  “I’ve seen enough.”

Cath/Human:  “Mmm.”

H:  “Mmm.”

Woman:  “Oh!”


I/Monster:  “Oh-- boy.  That was close.”

Auto/Monster:  “Well-- the good news is-- it can’t get any

Village Leader:  “Gotcha!”



Village Leader:  “It’s an abomination!  The only good monster is
a dead monster!”

Auto/Monster:  “This is not good.  Uh-- fellas?  Can we talk?”

Village Leader:  “Let’s kill it-- before it destroys our minds!”

PT Barnabus:  “Hold on, here!  I-- am PT Barnabus-- founder of
the greatest show in Greece.  And I can use this freak of
nature-- in _my_ circus!  Follow me, one and all!  A new freak
for the new freak show!”

Auto/Monster:  “Who you callin’ a freak, you geek?!”

I/Monster:  “Hmm-- actually, I hate to say this, but to him,
we’re the geeks.”

Village Leader:  “Oh, be careful!  Not too close!  Stories of the
big-footed, two-headed forest monster-- has [sic] frightened our
children for generations!”

Male Voice:  “It’s true!”

PT Barnabus:  “Yes, _that’s_ why it belongs in a freak show!
Ha-ha-ha!  Hideous!  Anybody got a chicken?  Let’s see if it
bites the head off!”

[Everybody laughs]

Auto/Monster:  “Ooh-- quick!  We better act crazy!  I’d rather go
home with Uncle Carny here, than end up a human pincushion!”

I/Monster:  “OK.”

PT:  “Marvelous!  Spectacular!  I’ll pay top dinar!”

I/Monster:  “You know?  We gotta get out of here!”

Auto/Monster:  “Well-- what do you suggest?!”

I/Monster:  “Run!”

Village Leader:  “Are we talkin’ cash on the barrelhead?”

Man’s Voice:  “You look good in a cage!”


I/Monster:  “Oh!  They’re gaining!”


Man’s Voice:  “All right!”

Woman’s Voice:  “Hello!”

I/Monster:  “This is another fine mess you got us into!”

Ares/Monster:  “I’ve got two words for you-- Discord-- Artemis’

I/Monster:  “That’s three words.”

Auto/Monster:  “Well, whatever.  You know?  I can pick that puny
lock in my sleep, but I actually think we’re safer in here.”

I/Monster:  “Safe?  Underneath these sacks, we’re naked.  Where
you been hiding the pick?”

Auto/Monster:  “Don’t ask.”

I/Monster:  “OK.”


Auto/Monster:  “Freaks-- outcasts-- dregs of society.”

I/Monster:  “Well-- that’s life under the big top.”

Auto/Monster:  “I was talking about us.”

I/Monster:  “Don’t antagonize ‘em!  For once in your life, keep
your trap shut-- if it’s possible.”

Auto/Monster:  “What?  And miss out on all your insults and witty
repartee?  With pleasure!”

I/Monster:  “Oh-- go boil your head!”

PT Barnabus:  “Hey!  No sleeping on the job!”

I/Monster:  “You give me that stick!  I’ll ram it down your fat

Auto/Monster:  “Yeah!  You bloodsucking son of a Xiphopagus!”

[Incoherent gibberish]

PT Barnabus:  “See this ferocious man-eater-- in a fight to the
death with Hippochimora-- the muscle-man!  Come to the show!
Come to the circus!”

Auto/Monster:  “Come to the circus?!  Come over here!  And I’ll
do a high-wire act on that pasty face of yours!”  [Yells]

I/Monster:  “You call that keeping your cool?  Next thing,
they’re gonna wanna throw us to the lions!” 

Auto/Monster:  “Ah, stop with this!  It’s all your fault!  Now,
go to your corner, and get out of my hair!”

I:  “OK, I will!”

PT Barnabus:  “That’s amazing.  It’s mating with itself!


Cath/Human:  “Mmm-- goosenberries.”

PT Barnabus:  “Come one!  Come all!  Two nights, only!  Come to
the circus!  Kids get in for a half a dinar!”

Cath/Human:  “A circus?  Sounds like fun!”

PT Barnabus:  “Aww-- more fun than a human sacrifice-- bloodier,
too.  Be there.”  [Laughs]

Cath/Human:  “Sadie!”

Horse [Sadie]:  “Do I know you?”

Cath/Human:  “It’s me-- Catherine!”

Sadie:  “Catherine-- I didn’t recognize you.”

Cath/Human:  “I’m a _woman_, now.  I’m my own master.”

Sadie:  “Good for you.  I’m proud of you.”

Cath/Human:  “You look a little thirsty.  Here, let me give ya a
hand.  I’ve got _two_, now!”

Sadie:  “Thanks.  That hits the spot.”

Cath/Human:  “You know how you said you used to-- dream about
breaking out of these traces, and riding off into the sunset?
Well, that’s what I’ve done, and it’s-- wonderful.”

Sadie:  “I’m so happy for you.  Still-- the farm hasn’t been the
same without you.  You really lit the place up.”

Cath/Human:  “We did have fun, didn’t we?  I just-- felt like it
was time to move on-- meet new friends-- and I have.  He’s

Sadie:  “But Catherine, your family-- they miss you terribly.
Your parents have been worried sick about you.”

Cath/Human:  “I’ve been thinking about them, too.  I never meant
to hurt them.”


Stiltwalker:  “Hey, Herc!”

H:  “Hey-- how are you?”

Stiltwalker:  “How’s the weather down there?  See ya.”

Man:  “OK, ready!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yes!”

Girl:  “Na-na-na-na-na-na!  Na-na-na-na-na-na!  Na-na-na!

Woman:  “Don’t make faces at the monster, Honey.  But for the
grace of the gods, it could be you in that cage.  Now, run

Boy:  “Ha-ha!”

H:  “Iolaus?  Autolycus?”

Auto/Monster and I/Monster:  “Oh!”

I/Monster:  “Boy, am I glad to see you!”

H:  “I, uh-- wish I could say the same, but you guys are makin’
me kind’a-- queasy.  Wha-what are you doing in there?”

Auto/Monster:  “Six shows a night-- that’s what!”

I/Monster:  “Yeah.”

Auto/Monster:  “Hey!  Now that the big guy’s here-- this gig is

I/Monster:  “Yeah, I’m with you, buddy.  Come on!”

Auto/Monster and/or I/Monster:  “Wait!  Let’s get outta here!
Come on!  Come on!”

Auto/Monster:  “Will you quit pushing me?!”

I/Monster:  “I’m trying to get down the stairs!”

Auto/Monster:  “You’re steppin’ on my feet!”

I/Monster:  “Come on!  What’re you doin’!”

Auto/Monster:  “Oh-oh.”

H:  “Hey-- those are-- big feet.”

Auto/Monster:  “Well, you know what they say about big feet,
don’t you?”

H:  “Big boots?”

I/Monster:  “All right!  Would you guys quit it?!  Chains of
Hephaestus!  Ares!  Discord!”

Auto/Monster:  “Chicken!”

I/Monster:  “Chicken!  Yeah-- enough said!”

H:  “Uh-- yeah, I get the-- picture.  Here-- let me help.  Hold
still.  One minute.  It’s better over here.”  [Laughs]

I/Monster:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Very funny!  Come on!  Get us out
of these.”

H:  “This is-- sorry.” 

I/Monster:  “Come on.”

H:  “Yeah.  Ready?”

Auto and I:  [Laugh]

I:  “Thanks, Herc!  What’s the matter?  You-- lose your shirt?”

H:  “Oh, uh-- it’s my-- new look.  I’ll catch up with you later.
I’ve gotta go see a goddess about a-- pig.”

Auto:  “Well, I wish I could say it’s been fun, but-- it hasn’t.”

I:  “Yeah.”

Auto:  “Good riddance.”

I:  “You say anything about this-- and I’ll deny everything.”

Auto:  “No problem.”


Auto:  “OK, whoever you are-- you think you can sneak up on the
king of thieves-- _you_ have another thing-- sweet mother of
Zeus!”  [Screams]



[Background Dialogue]

Cath/Human:  “Callipus!  Callipus!  Don’t go!  I won’t hurt you!
It’s me-- Cahterine.”

H:  “They don’t know you.”

Cath/Human:  “We grew up together.”

H:  “But you’re different, now.  It won’t be so easy fitting in.
Believe me, I, uh-- I know.”

Cath/Human:  “I’m not ever gonna fit in this world-- with you, am
I?  Hercules, will you please take me home-- where I belong?”


Auto:  [Garbled]  “I-it’s a mon!  It’s a mon!  Mo-mo-mo--
monster!  C-c-c-c-c-coming for us!”

I:  “OK, w-w-wait.  You mean?  A real monster did this to you?
What kind of monster?”

Auto:  “It’s a-- it’s a big-g-g!”

I:  “Big-- Ares said there’d be a big surprise waiting for us.
OK, come on!  Spit it out!”

Auto:  “OK.  Buck!  Buck!   Buck!  Ahhh!  Me, me, me!  Ahhhhh!”

I:  “OK-- it’s-it’s big, now, uh, uh-- s-sounds like-- ?”

Auto:  “Uh-- so-- Ahh!  Ahh!”

PT Barnabus:  [Laughs]

I:  “Hey!  W-w-w-w-w-wait!  This is getting us nowhere.  OK--
where was this monster?”

Auto:  “In the-- ”

I:  “OK, let’s go.  Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!  Wrong direction.  See, if
Ares _is_ behind this-- there’s no escaping it.  We might as well
suck it up-- and face it!  Come on!  Come on!”


PT Barnabus:  “Whatever it is, it belongs in _my_ circus!”

Woman’s Voice:  “This is exciting!”

Auto:  “Ahhhhh!”

I:  “Look, it’s all right.  It’s OK.  Calm down.  It’s OK.”

Male Voice:  “And they call _us_ weirdos!”

I:  “Is this the spot?”

Auto:  “Ba-ba!”

I:  “Wait-- what kinda’ monster coulda’ made _these_ tracks?
They look kind of familiar.”

Auto:  “A ch-ch-ch!  A ch-ch-ch!”

PT Barnabus:  “Hey!  Act it out again!  That’s funny!”

I:  “It’s real big.”

Auto:  [Mutters incoherently]

PT Barnabus:  “Look!  It’s the monster!”

Auto:  “Th-th-th-th-- that’s it!”

PT Barnabus:  “It’s gigantic!”

Auto:  “It’s colossal!”

I:  “It’s a chicken.  It’s-- it’s Discord.”

PT Barnabus:  “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

Auto:  “To kill us all!”

PT Barnabus:  “Ahhhh!  Run!”

Auto:  “Oh, where’s Hercules?  He’s snoozin’ when he should be

I:  “Listen, if Hercules is around, he’ll _be_ here!  She’s
pretty hard to miss.  Meantime-- we’re on our own.”

Auto:  “Oh, what do you mean, ‘We,’ sidekick?!  You’re the one
that turned her into a chicken!  She’s lookin’ at you like you’re
a drumstick!”

I:  “Ah!  Knock it off!  I’ll try and distract her!  You come up
with a plan!”

Auto:  “Yeah, easy for you!”

I:  “Yeah.  Hey!  Hey!  Chicken!  Come on!  Come on!  Come on!

PT Barnabus:  “Come on!  Don’t waste time!  Get in the tent!
Come on!  Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!”

Auto:  “Hey, hey, hey, hey!  What’re you doing?!”

PT Barnabus:  “We gotta get everybody in the tent to safety!
Come on!”

Auto:  “What, are you crazy?!  This tent won’t stop that bird!”

PT Barnabus  [Interrupting]:  “I gotta get outta here!”

Auto:  “Well, Iolaus-- I hope you know what you’re doing.”

I:  [Screams]


Auto:  “All right, everybody-- listen up.  Step away from the
sides of the tent.  Remain calm.  Everything is under control.”

I:  “Owwww!”

Auto:  “You?!  What happened to our distraction?!”

I:  [Yells incoherently]

Auto:  “Yeah, yeah-- I know how you feel!  Come on!  We gotta get
these people out of this tent!  All right, everyone-- out you
go-- nice and easy-- single file, now-- no pushing!  There is no
reason to worry!”

I:  “Ooh!  Hey, hey, hey, hey!  Not-- not the place to be!  Go!
Uh!  There’s a big-- thing!  Oh! Gotta go!  Safety, safety!  Come
on!  Everybody!”

Auto:  “Iolaus, let’s get out of here!”

I:  “OK.”

Woman:  [Screams]

I:  “So much for your plan beta!”

Auto:  “Well, don’t look at me!  I’m usually causing trouble!”

Auto and I:  “Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch!  Let’s go!  Let’s


I:  “Everybody, run!  Run!  Get out of here!  Come on!  Run!
Time for a new plan!”

Auto:  “What do you got?  I got a good one.”

I:  “What?”

Auto:  “Run like Tartarus!”

I:  “Yeah.”

[Godzilla sounds]

Woman:  “My baby!  My baby!  There!”

Auto:  “Uh-- I’ll get the baby.  You come up with plan-- gamma.
I got you, Buddy.  Here’s your baby, Ma’am.”

Woman:  “Oh-- thank you.”

Auto:  “Ha-ha.  I’ll collect later.  Ahh!”

I:  “Plan gamma-- plan gamma-- plan-- yeah!”

Auto:  “Come on, let’s go!”

I:  “No, wait!”

Auto:  “What are you doing?!”

I:  “Plan gamma.”

Auto:  “Goosenberries?”

I:  “Yeah.”

Stiltwalker:  [Scream]

Auto:  “OK, genius-- how do we get her to take her medicine?”

I:  “I’ll distract her!  You do the rest.  Hey!  You!  Ya big
chicken!  Come on!  Come on!  Is that all ya got?!  Give it to
me.  Come on!  Come on!  I can take anything you got to give.
What d’ya got to lose?!”

Auto:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha!  For once, you’re thinkin’.  OK-- say the

I:  “Come on!  Give me that!  Come on!  Come on!  Now!”

Auto:  “Yodel-lay-hee-hoo!  Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!  Say good night,
Big Bird.”

I:  “Yeah!”  [Laughs]

Auto:  “Come goosenberries, do your stuff.”

Auto and I:  [Scream]


Ares:  [Laughs]  “You know?  I haven’t laughed so hard, since the
entire Mycenaean army drank rancid water and got the runs.
[Laughs]  Let’s go, my little chickadee!”

Auto:  [Chuckles]  “Iolaus-- wait till Hercules hears that we
took on a monster all by ourselves.”

I:  “Yeah-- you gonna tell him it was a chicken?  That’ll be our
secret, huh?”

Auto:  “You know, Iolaus?”

I:  “Yeah?”

Auto:  “You’re not half-bad.  If I ever need a partner-- you just
might be the lucky one.”

I:  “Thanks, Autolycus.  I-- I appreciate that.  But, uh-- I’ve
already got a pa-- ”  [Falls asleep]


Cath/Human:  “I loved being human, Hercules.  It’s just not me.
I guess you were right, all along.”

H:  “Now who know who you really are.”

Cath/Human:  “I also know I’m gonna miss you.”

H:  “I’ll miss you, too.  We’re ready, Aphrodite.”

Aph:  “I had a feeling this would come in handy-- although why
anyone would wanna  trade in a beautiful bod like that, is beyond
me.  I just love the way that works!”

Cath/Pig:  “They know me now, Hercules.  I’m home.”

Aph:  “One of these days, we’re gonna have a long talk-- and I
wanna hear all about it.”

H:  “Goodbye, Catherine.”

Cath/Pig:  “It’s so great to see you guys.  I missed you so much.
You won’t believe what happened to me.  I met the greatest


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