Whoosh! The name is Kundera, Lena Kundera. You know, your alledged girlfirend for the past six months. Surely you must remember me, Bianca. Bianca?
Finding the Biancabot instead of
Bianca deters Lena none the least

Lena Kundera

October 21, 2003

(Lena appearance)
Last update: 10/23/03

Previous Episode |AMC Guide |Episode Guide |Next Episode



Lena Kundera (Olga Sosnovska)
Bianca Montgomery


Lena shows up in extremely good spirits at Bianca's door.


From The Official Site at ABC.com:

Bianca is surprised by a visit from Lena.

From About All My Children

Bianca tells the three-eyed lady it looks like she'll be spending the rest of her days in the trash room! She opens the door and finds Lena about to knock.

From Soap Slut

There was absolutely NOTHING of interest for Tuesday. So I'm just doing a direct copy and paste of abc.com's recaps (with the exception of name-changing). Because there isn't even anything worth commenting on...Bianca is surprised by a visit from Lena.


This all gay recap is by C.K..
Read all the All Gay Re-caps at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheAllGayRecap/.

Lena parts are indicated in red for those who only want a Lena fix


  • Papa, can you hear me?
  • Babe squeezes a tear our of her ducts.
  • Papa, can you help me not be frightened?
  • Juan Pablo makes Greenlee's eyes flutter.
  • Looking at the sky I seem to see/a million eyes: which ones are yours?
  • David, Erica and Jack form the unholy trinity.
  • Papa, don't you know I had no choice?
  • Heather has two mommies.  Or two daddies.  Or a mom and a dad.  Or a mom.  Or a dad.  Or - whomever that is.

The Set-Up – At Adam’s, Jamie wants to know why Babe slept with him even though she’s married. It’s called being a tramp, Jamie.

At the hospital, Juan Pablo tries a new tongue twister and says "I love you" one thousand times.

Erica brings her hair and her evil red leather pants to the hospital.

The Studio – Well, if we can call it that – and if we can call art that Kathy Lee Gifford painting Bianca is hanging: whatever gives Maggie an excuse to freak out over the pregnant woman on a step ladder, touch Bianca’s *ss and be the daddy.

Bianca: "You know what Maggie? With you here, my nightmares are not going to stick with me. I’ll just be able to look at you and I’ll know that everything is going to be ok."

Oh fine, leave the nightmares to us, FINE!

The Hospital – Lt. Frye thinks the Erica/David tonsil swapping is just a ruse to concoct an alibi: yeah, where is the proof of heterosexual penetration when you need it? Those were the days.

The Hospital – In Greenlee's room, Juan Pablo talks to the hand and tells it it’s different from every other hand he’s ever known.

Outside, Jack and Erica pretend to be at odds and sit as far apart as possible: about six feet. When David walks in, Erica’s hair gets into the farce and weeps as loudly as it can.

Adam’s Crib – From the Book of Babe: have you ever been scared or hungry? Have you ever felt deprived? If you have, you’re allowed to screw around – you know, just in case you never get your hands on a condom ever again.  It's called dispensation and you can buy it if from the Pope for $1.50.

Inside the house, FrankenBrow is in such a hurry to tell Mary that her daughter is in the hospital that he stops to chat and drink: that fire under your *ss couldn’t possibly grow hotter, Ryan.  And why the hell are you involved in every single story line?  Feh.

In Adam's office, Tad tries out for Roy’s Las Vegas spot.

Out on the terrace, Ryan finally finds Mary and tells her that Greenlee is in the hospital. Mary cares - for about five seconds.  She cares again once she realizes Jack is with Greenlee and he’s the one who sent for her; Ryan is puzzled and chooses to express his confusion by pivoting in place. The exit is that way, Ryan: top of the roof, flight down, no stops.

The Hospital – Mia and Simone join Kendall and Juan Pablo.

Kendall: "Dr. Evans is tied up: Maria Grey will perform the operation."
Simone: "Maria? Oh my god: she’ll kill him."

But – I thought that was the point!

Elsewhere, Erica announces that Greenlee "is going to be just fine" and "she’s going to wake up any second:" why, just a few months ago, she made Jack into Pine Valley’s own Van Gogh and got him to wake up from his coma just to ask her to please, please stop talking.

David gets his chance to emote in Greenlee’s room and opts for Kendall’s approach: tough love.  He tells her that Leo would never stand "for this nonsense" and would tell her to get her *ss out of bed. Poor Greenlee: one more Leo cameo and she’ll wake up thinking it’s, oh, 1999.

Adam’s Crib – While Adam angsts over Babe and her blood-sucking ways, Ruth merely hopes that J.R. will find the time to visit her once in a while: she'd like some screen time. Marian reminisces about the good old times, when she could still find the desire to lock Adam in the safe room and…well.

The Last Scenes – At the hospital, Mia and Simone bring Fusion to Greenlee. Kendall Brings the HoYay.

Dr. Maria tells Juan Pablo that the operation was a success; unfortunately, the patient died. Ops, jumped the gun: Carlos will make a full recovery.

At the studio, Bianca tells Reggie all families are different: some are single-parent households, others have a mother and a father, some two fathers, others two mothers and, occasionally, a lesbian and a suffocating, sexually confused, fashion challenged Lilliputian living in a studio apartment with a three-eyed monstrosity named Portia. Bianca walks the vaguely hip reference to stable lesbian relationships to the door, only to find Lena standing on the other side. The h***? How does she know where the non-ambiguous half of the ambiguously gay duo lives?

TOMORROW ON ALL MY CHILDREN: J.R. tells Babe that he’s in Pine Valley "to settle old scores;" Juan Pablo and Tad want to move Carlos out of the hospital; Erica tries to get Greenlee to wake up; Greenlee dreams.


From Solvay
I thought that scene was the corollary to Lena's suicide. Lena choked down the rat poison so Kendall would see Binks at the clinic. Reggie went to see Bianca to set up Lena at the door. Suicide, apartment visit, suicide, apartment visit...they're all just plot contrivances to [McTavish].

Did anyone else shout out "LENA!" when Binks opened the door? Just me? I knew the minute she started talking to the picture that Lena would be on the other side of the door. What is the record for shortest scene appearance? Olga's collected scene minutes in a month add up to less than an NHL minor penalty. Do you think her contract pays her by the episode or the seconds?

The grin at the door seemed ackward. Lena must have been looking at the 3-eyed woman picture because a) Bianca's "I'm seeing a ghost" look would have wiped even the biggest grin off anybody's face and b) Lena's experience with Bianca in the last umpteen months should have taught her to expect pain, angst and anguish at the door, not joy and delight. Unfortunately, my gut said Lena hasn't learned her lesson yet and better be prepared for some teeth kicking tomorrow when Bianca recovers from her temporary shock. Binks may be touched by Lena's gift but you know Lena isn't gonna be privy to that info. Binks will knock her down, Lena will crawl away moaning about cosmic jokes and the price of good dental work and Bianca will later tell Maggie, "Lena was so sweet today. Her ability to continue to lose her teeth and her dignity in any conversation with me shows me she really loves me". Where, oh where is Spine!Lena? Why can't she be in a scene with Bianca anymore? How I long for the jailhouse scenes when Lena stood up to Bianca...

From Mystic0
...one of the things I love about Lena. She doesn't learn because I think she believes Bianca and their relationship is worth all this hassle. Lena's stubbornly romantic. I do think that if Lena ever thought Binks was rejecting her just because Bianca's being a pissy little bitch (which in my opinion, isn't the case. Yes, Binky's being stupid but it's coming from fear not bitchery.), she'd tell Bianca to kiss her ass. It seems she's tuned in with Binky enough (or maybe she just trusts Bianca's character enough) to know that isn't the case. I always think that's sweet. Poor Lena never really has a clue what the hell is going on but she believes enough in what they have (or could have) to keep plugging away. Plus, I don't think any of this really affects Lena's self-respect much. I imagine she's been playing it fast and loose (no pun intended) with her self respect for years. Whoring, even well paid whoring, probably makes self esteem issues pretty vague. I'm guessing there's enough of Spy!Lena left to believe that the end (Lianca) justifies the means (utter confusion and a lot of lonely nights). Just my guess.

I'm deliriously happy that Lianca has moved on to more standard keeping-the-couple-apart soap fair. Thank Pete! Now we'll just have to sit through misunderstandings!, secrets!, and the usual soap couple crap. I don't mind that.


This parody is by LizzieT.

No Lena parts today because there was about 2 seconds of Lena in the actual show.

Things were still tense at the Chandlers.
Ryan: I have a great idea. JR, you can be the head of Chandler Enterprises.
Adam: Are you insane? He never even graduated from high school. How can he be expected to run a multi million dollar corporation with no business experience of any kind?
Ryan: Hey, I'm running three of them - or is it four? Numbers never were my strong point. Besides, if Chandler starts losing money then there will be less for Liza to embezzle.
JR: This is great! It's the best thing that's happened to me since I got my braces off. I can't wait to tell Babe. Where is she anyway? I hope she hasn't found someone else already.
Ryan: That reminds me. I need to find Mary Smythe. I came here to tell her her daughter is at death's door.
JR: You want a glass of champagne first?
Ryan: Why not? They never kill anyone off on a Tuesday.

Tad tried to reason with Adam.
Tad: You need to realize that JR is just like Dixie. He sees the good in people. I'm sure Babe is just the kind of person he believes she is.
Adam: Do the words Billy Clyde Tuggle mean anything to you? Or David Hayward?
Tad: You need to realize JR is just like Dixie. He doesn't have a lick of sense.

Jamie confronted Babe out on the terrace.....
Jamie: How could you sleep with me when you're married to my brother?
Babe: You don't understand.
Jamie: Neither does the audience. You'd better try and explain. Frankly, I don't think you're winning them over.
Babe: You just don't know what it's like to be scared and hungry. I've had a really rough life.
Jamie: Rough life? My dad came back from the dead when I was a toddler. My mother's been involved with a child pornographer and the guy that killed her daughter and came back as a minister who had plastic surgery. I was mute for a few months and I've been recast so many times in the past couple of years that I don't always recognize myself in the mirror. You want to talk about a rough life?
Babe: I don't know if I can top that or not. My character really isn't that well developed yet. But you have to believe me when I say I love JR. I just have a strange way of showing it.

Ryan found Mary.
Ryan: Greenlee was in a terrible accident and she's in a coma.
Mary: Hmmm, if she's in a coma there's not much chance of her sticking me in the will is there? Tell her I'll send a lovely get well card.
Ryan: So I'm supposed to go and tell Jack that you're not coming?
Mary: Jack's there? Why didn't you say so? Of course I'm coming. I wouldn't be anywhere but at dear little Gracie's bedside at a moment like this. Just let me fix my makeup.

The vigil at Greenlee's bedside continued.
Juan Pablo: I love you Greenlee. I know I told you I was leaving but that was just to protect you. Of course you got squashed by a car anyway so I guess it didn't protect you too much. Now I will sit by you and talk about our relationship until you come out of your coma.
Greenlee: :::Or until the audience lapses into one::::::
Kendall: Come on Greenlee. I know you're jealous because I get all the really good storylines now but just laying there unconcious isn't going to help.
Greenlee: :::At least this is a break from the "who killed Michael" storyline. Everyone should enjoy it while it lasts::::::
Simone: You'd better wake up or Maria might have to perform brain surgery on you. How scary is it that they let her operate after having amnesia for five years?
Greenlee:::: And how scary is it that you're the only one on the show that has a rational opinion about this?::::
Mia: You need to wake up Greenlee. You can't just exist with no signs of life or personality.
Greenlee::::You're right. If I do people might think I'm you.::::

Erica arrived to comfort Jack.
Erica: Jack, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?
Derek: Aha! You wouldn't be here comforting Jack if you were really involved with David Hayward.
Chris's ghost: Youse ain't been watchin dis show much have you Derek?
Erica: He's right Derek. I can comfort Jack and boink David at the same time. It's called multi-tasking. I was just about to call my sweet baboo now.
Derek: I'm really sorry about Greenlee Jack. I'd hate it if anything happened to my daughter - who by the way would make a great addition to the cast and a love interest for Reggie.
David: I got here as fast as I could. I need to see Greenlee.
Jack: You're a cardiologist. She has a head injury.
David: And your point is?
Jack: Stay away from my daughter.
David: She was my sister in law before she was your daughter.
Jack: Well a daughter ranks higher than a sister in law so I win.
Erica: Boys, this is no time to fight. Especially if you're not fighting over me. The important thing is that Greenlee gets better. Then the storyline can go back to focusing on me and my daughters again.
David: You're right. I'll just go tell her she has to live because Leo would have wanted it that way. That always works.

Later Mary arrived at the hospital.
Mary: Oh look there's Jack. I'll just take a few minutes to eavesdrop...I mean compose myself. Tell Grisley that Mummy will be right there.
Jack: David, you and Erica deserve each other. The best thing that ever happened to me was getting rid of her.
David: He's right Erica. We deserve to be together. Now let's have a overly passionate kiss right in front of Derek.
Derek: I'd better see some tongue action. I'm not falling for your story if I don't see any tongue.


Bianca wastes four precious seconds of LenaTime by carrying that stupid painting

Little does Lena suspect the artistic horror that awaits her on the other side of the door

The Top Ten Reasons That Prove BAM Will Happen And Lianca Won't
By Anonymous

Well, all the logical proof of "the power of Bam" (TM) has converted me. I will now spread the BAM gospel according to BAMFAN.

NOTE: This is aimed at certain BAM fans, like the ones that email threats.

And now, from the home office in Belleview Hospital, New York...

"BAM fan's" TOP TEN logicalistical, scientifical, sanitary, unrefutical things that prove, Prove, PROVE!! BAM will happen and Lianca wont... (These will be regurgitated until you believe!)

Number 10. This has been in the works since the 1960s, as evident in the homoerotic scenes in The Flintstones. Wilma loves Betty, and Betty's adopted son is named... BAM BAM. Proof! The Flintstones is constantly aired in reruns, further proof that major media conglomerates... POWERFUL media conglomerates who know Eden's mom... want BAM.

Number 9. Emeril, a POWERFUL TV chef, has been signaling with his trademark "BAM!" for years. When he wants to spice up a dish, all he has to do is invoke the POWERFUL "BAM!"

Number 8. Lena is from Poland... which make you think of the word Polish... which to uncultured Americans make you think of Sausage. Bianca is so incredibly lesbian she won't even eat foods that are remotely phallic. She obviously could not be with a woman who has such an obvious link to sausage. (This is also why Frankie had to die. Franks... beans and franks... again with the obvious phallic food reference.)

Number 7. Maggie's name is the epitome of lesbianism. Melissa Etheridge did a cover of "Maggie May" in order to pave the way for BAM. Obliviously even POWERFUL lesbian Icons support BAM. Oh, and Melissa knows Eden's mom.

Number 6. Maggie wears layers of clothes- and Lena doesn't. Obviously... Maggie's POWERFUL lesbian lure is so strong that it must be covered to keep Bianca from ravaging her on the spot.

Number 5. Maggie insists she's straight. Obviously this is Maggie using reverse psychology because she knows Bianca falls for straight girls. Sleeping with Henry was Maggie declaring her undying love for Bianca.

Number 4. BAM fans will destroy anyone who won't support them. They can and will crash all pro-Lianca websites until BAM reins supreme.

Number 3. Bianca continually asks, "How stupid do you think I am," an obvious shout-out to BAM fans who constantly have people looking at them and asking "How stupid are these people?"

Number 2. Lena supports BAM. It was Maggie's fish Lena used to talk about gay love... Maggie's GAY fish that kissed another fish. Lena was behind Maggie's gay fishtank. This proves that Lena is behind a BAM pairing! Obvious! and scientific!

and the NUMBER 1 proof positive way we know BAM will happen... CNN runs BAM supportive messages 24 hours a day. Oh, sure, they are hidden in talks of the Middle East, but if you wear your BAM tin-foil hat... you can hear them. If you put a picture of Maggie inside your tin-foil hat, you can hear them with the TV turned off... but only if you're worthy.


Unverified in non-clip parts

***** (clip a) [Bianca finds Lena at her door]

Bianca: Oh, darling. All right, Portia, my love, looks like you will be spending the rest of your days in the trash room.
[amc031021a starts]
[Bianca goes to the door, opens it, and Lena is just coming to the door and Lena's smiling like a cat that just ate a canary]


I have the following clips (incompletes are marked "inc"):
amc031021a-inc.mpg (1.6m; 0:09) Bianca finds Lena at her door

If you are aware of any of the following clips from this episode, please contact me ASAP, Kym: Clip A

I am eliciting volunteers to host the clips throughout the web. If you have 5-25megs of space you can lend to this project, please let me know!

Previous Episode |AMC Guide |Episode Guide |Next Episode

Guide Table of ContentsBack to Whoosh!