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Dispatches from Alex Poindexter

Uber News from Across the World
August 27, 2001

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Monday August 27 2001 16:00:00

By Alex Poindexter - Uber Media Writer


HOLLYWOOD, CA (UM) - New Zealand actress Lucy Lawless, infamous for her performance in the title role of the cult TV show Xena: Warrior Princess, was found safe and alive on the backlot of a Hollywood studio. Lawless reportedly went into seclusion after the disasterous world-wide airing of the Xena: Warrior Princess finale.

Doctors say Lawless is in good physical condition, considering her ordeal. However, they cite concerns about her mental state. During an impromptu press conference from the steps of her Hollywood hills home, she babbled about being captured in a shaft of blinding light and teleported to a mother ship off the coast of Santa Barbara. There, she stated that little gray skinned bug-eyed men pumped her abdomen full of inert gases, probed her orifices with high speed drills and other medical instruments of a dubious nature. She also claims that a microchip of a design beyond any current technology was placed in the back of her neck. Most disturbing are her statements that high US officials are actually drones put into place by aliens bent on taking over the government. Presumably, the aliens want to divert the Social Security and Medicare funds to pay for tee-ball tournaments on the White House lawn.

When asked about the allegations during a visit to a Texas elementary school, President Bush said, "What county in Texas is New Zealand?"

Chris Carter, executive producer of the popular science-fiction TV show, The X-Files, is reportedly intrigued about Ms. Lawless' brush with the paranormal and is considering her for a role in the upcoming season. When asked about whether President Bush is actually an alien entity, Carter pointed toward the expanse of the Texas heartland and said, "The truth is out there."

You can write Uber journalist Alex Poindexter at alexpoindexter@whoosh.org.

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