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Dispatches from Alex Poindexter

Uber News from Across the World
October 12, 2001

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Friday October 12 2001 18:00:00

By Alex Poindexter - Uber Media Writer


AFGHANISTAN (UM) - Note from Alex Poindexter: Bouncing back from the cancellation of her hit TV show, Xena has gone on to a new career as a Warrior Journalist. Whoosh! is proud to present her first interview with the elusive, the mysterious, the most wanted -- dead or alive, Osama bin Laden.

Mr. bin Laden, may I call you Osama as your best friends at the Taliban do?

OSAMA BIN LADEN (through a translator):
Even though you are a worthless, outrageously under-dressed woman, God favors mercy. God gives me permission to allow you to call me Osama.

I had no idea you and God were so tight.

Not surprising, you unfortunate member of the lesser sex.

Now, there is no need to be rude, Osama. I will be blunt. I am here for one reason and one reason alone. It is to ask you the question that the whole world wants to hear you answer: What is that poster all about? Has Bert joined Al-Qaeda? Is it an Al-Qaeda fratboy practical joke? Or has the CIA suddenly become competent in infiltrating extremist Islamic groups? What's it all about, Osama?

Sesame Street fans welcome the latest muppet.
Yet another ambiguously gay couple?

The world was shocked to find Bert, the Muppet, apparently endorsing the world's most wanted terrorist, Osama bin Laden

By the Grace of God, Praise and Glory be unto Him. Sadly, my fans totally misunderstood that publicity poster. My public relations people thought I should branch out since I am at an awkward place in my career. You see, my Q rating is very very high but my chances at longevity are very very low. My manager advised me that I should seriously consider a career change. Something less conspicuous and more warm. My agent, through another one of his upscale clients, found out that Bert and Ernie had a falling out and thought that I was just the guy to fill the Ernie-void. My image consultant loved the idea. He had been nagging me for years to soften up my image. The change is not that much of a stretch. I'm good with kids, having a dozen or so of my own. In fact, I am waiting now for the Sesame Street people to return my call. It is difficult, of course, with me moving around so much and all this jamming. But God is Always Victorious.

I see. So what value do you plan to bring to one of America's most popular educational TV shows, if they call you back, that is.

God is Great and Powerful! I was hoping to introduce new vocabulary words like anthrax and Kalashnikov. I had the occasion to meet the Count several years ago on one of his Middle Eastern junkets. I sent him an e-mail recently about my ideas on how to update his act. I suggested adding B-1, F-16, and so on. I have not heard back from him yet, but I am sure it's waiting for me when I get back to my cave. With any luck, I might even generate a spin-off of my own. I already have a title: Mr. bin Laden's Minefield.

I'm not so sure that material is appropriate for children. Moving right along, I hear Miss Piggy is not too thrilled with you joining the Sesame Street gang. Rumor has it that you insisted that she wear the burqa and that you are dismissive of her not only because of her gender, but also because of her species.

All honor and power to Him from whom all favor flows. Yes, she is a mere female and an unclean beast on top of that. Your point?

Osama, one of Sesame Street's missions is to teach children certain values, among them are tolerance and respect. You should not disrespect women. Once you get to know Miss Piggy, you'll find that she is quite a lady. Ask Kermit. He knows. If you can't deal with women and pigs, I'm afraid that you're just not Sesame Street material.

By the Grace of God, Praise and Glory be to Him who delivers us from our enemies. If I can't make this gig work, where could I go? What else could I do? There's a 12 million dollar bounty on my head. Heck, even most producers won't touch me.

You could get out of the terrorism biz and become a color commentator for CNN. If that doesn't work, you can always audition as the newest Sheik on WWF. And one more thing, Osama.

Yes, you dishonorable whore?

Stop taking God's name in vain. You're hurting His reputation.

You can write Uber journalist Alex Poindexter at alexpoindexter@whoosh.org.

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