Whoosh! Issue 21 - June 1998

The Gabberish Lexicon
-- The Film & Television

The Filmgoer's Gabpanion
Poesy Pictures
Gabbing the Small Screen
HitchROC Presents
The MacGabber's Guide to Fourth Season X:WP
The ROCfox Network

The Filmgoer's Gabpanion


The Perfessor was browsing through her handy-dandy Filmgoer's Gabpanion one afternoon and realized that although we've paid our homage to many films, nearly all of those have been U.S. productions. So she thought it was time to take a look at some European and Japanese films which also pay tribute to the Goddess of Gab...

Breathless (France 1959):
With Jean Paul Bardmondo and Jean Sebard. This first film of Jean-Luc Gabbard had an impoverished plot apparently dedicated to the proposition that life is just one damned thing after another with death at the end; superficially it was about an ancient Greek warrior's busy life with pauses for subtext.

Days of Xena's Wrath (Denmark 1943):
Dreyer's horrifying drama of a witchhunt in ancient Greece, wherein a young Amazon Princess is suspected of carrying the evil spawn of Dahak, was uncannily photographed so that every scene looks like a painting by Edvard Munch.

Death of a Bacchae (Spain, 1954):
Directed and co-written by Juan-Gabtonio Bardem, this film tells of the effect of a sprained ankle on two women lovers, an idealist bard and a jaded warrior, whose relationship has suffered a breakdown on the road to redemption.

En Cas De Malheur (Love Is My Profession, Okay?) (France 1958):
Against the backdrop of Ancient Chin, this melodrama of a naive bard's love and betrayal was very big at the French box office. The FX were quite spectacular at the time, featuring an assortment of flying dental tools and a mid-air Kama Sutra. Directed by Claude Gabautat-Lara; starring Jean Gabin as Ming T'ien and Brigette Bardot as Gabrielle.

The Exterminating Rift Arc (Mexico, 1962):
An enigmatic and depressing film exercise (written and directed by Luis Gabunuel) in which a group of TV viewers find themselves psychologically incapable of turning off the set despite attacks of violent revulsion, whiplash and ennui. Though it is packed with apparent clues, Gabunuel himself says there is "no rational explanation".

Fahrenheit 451 B.C. (Great Britain, 1966):
Francois Truffaut's oddly haunting version of Ray Bardbury's cynically prophetic vision of a society where scrolls are used only as toilet tissue and heroes commit the murders rather than prevent them.

Films by Frederico Fellini:
Among the eccentric films by this influential Italian director and former cartoonist are: Il Gabidone; Notti di Cabira; Gaboccaccio; Five Foot Three and and Half; and SatyROCon. One film reference book provides an illuminating list of subjects dealt with in Fellini's SatyROCon. They include, among others, freaks, royalty, hedonism, sorcerers, dwarfs, homosexuality, perfidy, impotence, priapism, nymphomania, hermaphroditism, mutilation, cannibalism, slavery, suicide, flagellation, orgies, tombs, theatres, deserts, ships, Lupercalia and Rome. Hey, sounds like third season X:WP to us....

Gabby the Greek (Greece 1965):
A zestful, uncontrolled, open-air film written and directed by Michael CaROCyannis from a novel by Nikos Gabzantzakis, about a naive and idealistic peasant girl who persuades a saturnine warrior to share her joy in life even when surrounded by disaster. Mikos TheodoROCkis penned the memorable score.

Gabiria (Italy 1913):
This famous silent spectacle set during the time of Magna GABaecia concerns the lively adventures of a romantic young bard who was saved as an infant from sacrifice to Ares and is accompanied on her journey by her strong-woman warrior companion. At least no dubbing was required for the musical numbers.

Gabzilla: (Japan):
The original film about a pre-hellenistic bard turned Tyrannosaurus who goes about doing good sparked numerous sequels. In the Americanized version, named The Battle For Mt Olympus, Gabzilla shows up in Ancient Greece and has forsaken the dinosaur image for that of a giant eagle.

Greek Expectations (Great Britain, 1946):
The Dickens classic of an orphaned peasant girl named Gabrielle whose path crosses that of a reformed warlord who aids her in the world. David Lean's deluxe version of the tale is far superior to many other Dickensian works brought to the screen, including A Solstice Carol, A Tale of Two City-States, The Mystery of Gabby's Brood and My Mutual Friend.

L'Gabventura (Italy, 1960):
With Gabrielle Ferzetti. Here at great length we see the search for a bard lost in Ancient Greece; gradually the searchers (and the audience) become preoccupied with their own problems, and the bard is never found. Highbrow reaction was so favorable to this rather bewildering film by Michaelangelo Gabtonioni that he has since been able to continue exploring life's irrationalities and enigmas, without always communicating his purpose to the audience. Gabtonioni was last known to be working as a producer for the US-NZ production of Xena: Warrior Princess.

Miracle in Marathon (Italy 1951):
Beguiling fantasy about a village of Greek peasants led by a young idealist whose fervency and storytelling gifts give her the power to work miracles; in the end, she finally flies them all on broomsticks to another, better place somewhere in the south of France. Directed by VitoROCio De Sica with a strong element of Reneé Clair.

ROCshomon (Japan 1951):
This gabsterpiece by Akira KuROCsawa has been described as "a vast distorting mirror. a collection of prisms that reflect and refract reality" - or in layman's terms, maddeningly incoherent. The murder mystery is told as a series of anecdotes from shifting POVs, thus creating new backstories and realities (or lies) with each retelling. These POVs are those of The Bard, The Warlord, and The Buffoon as told to The Horse. In the end it is difficult to explain exactly what the point of the film is, since no one story is revealed as the truth. As one critic explained ROCshomon's central theme, "..the world is illusion, you make yourself reality, but this reality undoes you if you submit to being limited by what you have made." Got that?

Ugetsu Monogabtari (Japan 1953):
Voted in an international ice dancing critics poll as one of the ten best films ever made, this is the tale of Gabrielle, an aspiring bard in the time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, who is lured away from her stupid, boring fiance into a land in turmoil. Translated into English the title emerges as Tales of a Pale and Mysterious Bard after the Rain.

ViROCdiana (Spain 1965):
Another Luis Gabunuel film, Virocdiana is a startlingly allusive allegory of good and evil, with the latter winning out in the end. There are plenty of fireworks in this one, including massive explosions, deadly energy bolts and vortexes in space; the symbolism is eclectic, encompassing everything from Judeo-Christian iconography to Maltese dogs.

The Filmgoer's Gabpanion:
Poesy Pictures

Ali GABba and the Forty Thieves:
Tapert and Raimi's most recent Hercules spinoff, with Autolycus in a pivotal role. (43 mins)

The Oscar-winning epic starring Mel Gabson, from which the costumes for Xena: Warrior Princess were recycled along with a few dozen pineapples. (180 mins and six rousing speeches)

A melodrama of wartime intrigue, starring Humphrey Bobard and Ingrid Bardman. The film that coined the unforgettable line, "Play it again, Gab".

Gabby Ain't Misbehavin' (1955):
W/ Rory Calhoun & Gabpiper Laurie. Amusing comedy about a naive Poteidaian farm girl who bonds with a saturnine warrior princess and then has to learn how to get along in Thracian high society. (82 mins)

GABuirre, the Wrath of the Gods (W. Germany, 1972)
A party of Thessalian warriors plow through the Mitoan jungle in search of a healing temple. Rife with the disquieting imagery of director Werner ("Don't call me Bacchus") Herzog. (served with coffee)

Gone With the BARD:
The siege of Auckland by MCA is masterfully captured in this bardific spectacle. One of the Gabster's most famous descendants, Clark Gable, utters the famous line, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a Gab".

The Good, the BARD, and the Ugly:
Action/adventure movie featuring Xena as the town's sheriff, Gab as her sidekick, as they rid the west - and New Zealand - of outlaw warlords.

Raging BARD:
The film biography of a middleweight champion boxer starring ROCbert Dinaro. The role was reprised by Rene&eACUTE; O'Connor as Gabrielle in the Xena: Warrior Princess episodes, The Greater Good and The Return of Callisto.

The GABfather:
A superlative gangsta film with Marlon Bardo as the aging head of a powerful Mafia clan. In Gabfather II, Don Vito is rescued from Tartarus by Gabrielle, the beserker widow.

The Unsinkable Gabby Bard:
The Xena: Warrior Princess adaption of the movie originally starring Gabbie Reynolds. The story of a spunky Poteidaian farm girl who seeks out warlords, adventure and a warrior princess with nonstop energy. Includes a great musical number done after Gabby's been snubbed by Corinthian 'high society', "She's My Friend". (120 mins)

A Warrior is Born:
The cliched Hollywood story of a husband forced into second place by his wife's success as a traveling bard, made palatable by a superb performance by Judy Bardland (of "The Wizbard of Oz" fame) and featuring the wonderful song, "The Bard That Got Away". (3 & 1/2 Hankies)

Scheduled for re-release:
The GABsent-Minded Perfessor, GABbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein, BARDocco (w/Isabelle GABjani), The Great GABsby, and that perennial favorite, The ROCCI Horror Picture Show. The old Tyrone Power classic, GABandon Ship, was remade by the Xena: Warrior Princess crew, this time adding a Roman twist to the plot.

Gabbing the Small Screen

Wander on down to the Verbosa Ranch for a visit with Little Gab Bardwright and her pinto donkey, the sullen eldest daughter Xena (played with understated rage by Pernell GABroberts) and watch for ten seasons as their beaus get killed off one by one. There's something strange goin' on down at that ranch!

I Love Lucy:
Lucy Lawless as "Lucy MacGABicutty" and TAPi Reneez as "Gabby RiBardo" ham it up in this timeless comedy about a CuBard musician and her mate.

M*A*S*H* EM:
The gripping drama about a Warrior Princess who wreaks havoc on the population of Ancient Greece and is followed by a soft-hearted bard who then proceeds to set up field triage units for the wounded. Don't ask for water!

Welcome back, Kotter:
Starring GAB Kaplin aka Mr Kotter as 20th century bard and leader of the infamous Sweathog gang.

Where's The Soap Operas?:
Daytime TV's tributes to the immortal Bard & Warrior include The Bard & The Beautiful, The Young and the Ruthless, Another Warlord, As the Chakram Turns, Aescelepius General Hospital and Gabby's Hope.

HitchROC Presents

Gab is hanging from the top of the Statue of Liberty and cries out "Ok, I think I can hold on! Yeah, I'm pretty sure! Take your time, in fact, I think I can climb back up by myself, because I'm a D*****D STRONG WOMAN!!!"

Norman Bates takes the big old knife to the shower for a little holding to the throat and gets gabwhacked within an inch of his matricidal life.

A bubbly, good-hearted and optimistic Poteidaian bard finds out she's merely the Hellenistic version of Walter Mitty, and via her daydreams noir transforms into a series of masochisitic pod lookalikes and eventually drowns herself in a hot tub.

Strangers in my Brain:
Gabrielle's psyche is held hostage by Ming T'ien and Khraftstar, who have agreed to commit each others' murders and frame the whole affair on the bard.

The MacGabber's Guide to Fourth Season X:WP

Introduction: With the fondness Xenastaff has displayed for paying homage to classic films and movie themes, we MacGabbers thought they might as well devote an ENTIRE season to homage! Hey, why not? They're almost there already, anyway.

In light of this entirely workable idea, we're outlining several homage arcs (each arc consisting of episodes with a recurring theme) which could, interpersed with episodes of "Young Gabrielle", make for an interesting and rift-free fourth season.

Homage Arc I: (4-ep dramatic arc plus one comedy) by the Perfessor

Episode 1. "HARDLY":
A delightful fable of a gentle Poteidaian bard and the six-foot, invisible woman warrior she has adopted as a mentor. Danielle Cormack is a joy as the Amazon sister who is constantly embarrassed by the Queen's frequent excursions to the purification hot tub with her "friend".

ThurBard's tale of a man who lived in two worlds - the real McCoy and the fantasy - is adapted for the small screen. In this retelling, every time Gabrielle is attacked, assaulted, insulted, shot with poisoned arrows, chased by mobs, becomes pregnant with evil spawn children, is crucified, widowed, tortured or Joxer appears, she imagines how her life would be so much more pleasant if she'd only continued to play the part of Porky Pig at AstroWorld.

Episode 3. "THE GHOST AND Mz GABS":
In this sure-to-be-charming comedy, the young Poteidaian widow rents a modest Thessalian temple only to find out that it's haunted by the former tenant, a woman warrior known as Xena, Destroyer of Nations and author of "101 Surgical Uses For The Common Drinking Straw", who then proceeds to become the ghost writer for Mz Gab's bestselling scrolls.

Episode 4. "PORTRAIT OF XENA":
A twisted homage to a rather strange and pretentious little film, Portrait of Xena is the tale of Gabrielle, a penniless young bard who meets a sullen, violence-prone warrior named Xena at the Poteidaian Public Baths and not only grows much older every time she sees the warrior woman, but eventually discovers that Xena had actually killed her several years prior during a raid of the bard's village.

Episode 5. "NOW YOU SEE HER, NOW YOU DON'T"(comedy):
Been there, done that.

Titan then added:

Episode 6. "G.A.P.":
Controversial episode that eplores the idea of a Mt. Olympus conspiracy surrounding the assassination of Gabrielle, Amazon Princess's character.

Episode 7. "Honey, I Blew Up the Kid":
To rid themselves of the persistent presence of Gabrielle's demon spawn after continued attempts to end it's reign of terror leads Xena to the *final solution*.

The ROCfox Network, the All-Gab, All-The-Time Channel

First and foremost, we have the classic series
The adventures of a seafaring, seasick bard and featuring the theme song, "Flip-Her"...

Bilious Green Acres:
(Which would diminish to a dirt clod by the last episode). This post-X:WP story of Gabrielle and Xena finally settling down on the old olive farm. Argo definitely has a porcine look for this series.

The Gabvengers:
Featuring Xena Peel and Gabby Steed as those crime fighting agents in auld Britannica. Xena's leather bustier has evolved into a full-length jumpsuit for this tale, whilst Gab's staff makes a nifty if deadly umbrella.

Other ROCfox favorites include:
All My Amazons, Gabrina the Teenage Bard, Bard Meets World, Ren-A-Team, Yo! MTV Wrapsaround and Columbard.

For those who are into genre TV viewing, try:

Talk shows:
The MacGab/Laird Report or Late Night with Gabrielle Letterswoman.

Gabwitched, The Green-Eyed Hornette, Bard Trek.

GABonanza, Have Staff, Will Travel or Lonesome Bard.

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