Whoosh! Issue 21 - June 1998

The Gabberish Lexicon
-- Sports And GabGames

The Gabba:
A world-famous cricket ground at Brisbane, in Queensland, Australia.

Gab's Abs of Steel:
The Bard's new workout video, in which she peddles her Gabercise machines such as the Gabdominizer, Destroyer of Nations, and the Gab Roller Plus.

Gabula hoop:
The Ancient Greek version of a hula hoop. [See: A Solstice Carol]. Can be used either for Gabercise or as a defensive weapon.

Hellene-Caledonian Gabgames:
The traditional games of Clan MacGab, held yearly at Grandfather Mountain. Every fourth year the games are opened up to the non-Gabberfluent public and are known as the Olympics. Official Gabgames Events: The Triple Scroll Jump, the Staff Vault, the Iambic Pentameter Relay, Lawn Barding, Bardminton, the Javelin-without-sharp-points Throw, the Marathon Filibuster and Dorian Rhythmic Gymnastics. Equestrian events are strictly forbidden.

The official hockey team of Clan MacGab. The GABalanche, Red Wings and Mighty Bards are also Gabberish Ice ROCkey teams.

Underwater breathing apparatus used by Gabrielle when in a river (or hot tub) for long periods of time. Acronym for: Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus for Renee when Diving.

Valley Forge GabGames:
The first official Clan MacGab Gabgames were held at Valley Forge, PA in ROCtober of 1997, where MacGabbers from around the world competed in the following events: BGSB Relay Race, Squid Hurling, GabbyDancing and the My So-Called Talent contest. [See Valley Forge GabGames].

Some bardic sports:

BGSB Relay Racing:
This men-only sport was an event of the first official Clan MacGab Gabgames held in Valley Forge, PA in ROCtober of 1997, and is a MacGabber twist on the traditional Whiskey Relay held at many Scottish festivals in the U.S. [See BGSB Relay Racing Rules.]

Full Contact VolleyBard:
A unique and lively sport of the Clan MacGab which is cross between bardminton and rugby.

Ice ROCkey:
A game in which competing teams of warlords, on skates and armed with sticks, try to drive a hard rubber chakram into their opponent's goal. Each team consists of two winGABers, a centeROC, two BARDefensemen and a GABoalie. The curved ROCkey stick used by professionals in the National ROCkey League sports a merkin at the grip.

Lawn Barding:
An obscure but highly disciplined sport; the rules are listed below.
  1. Throw patches of chainmail onto a series of concentric rings drawn on the lawn.li
  2. Give some sort of performance, with the difficulty of the performance relative to the value of the ring that the patch of mail landed in. (sing, dance, striptease, etc.)li
  3. If the other participants agree that it is a good performance, you get the points for that throw; otherwise the mail is removed.

Dorian Rhythmic Gymnastics:
The rules of this sport were presumed lost until Professor Quest of the Puppet's Playground for Creative Gab Studies was able to provide a translation from the Xena Scrolls.

Professor Quest notes:
Perhaps the rules could be established thus, by reading the documentation the ancient scribes were so kind as to leave for us, undiscovered until this very moment, of course. Here is the fragment we've translated so far. The rest is fairly badly damaged, and we're not sure how much we'll be able to restore...

Dorian Rhythmic Gymnastics - a Primer. Although many have likened rhythmic gymnastics to silly dancing with ball and stick and ribbon, in fact it is a time honored and delicate art form. Designed to test a warrior's skill with various unusual weapons, and enhance coordination, the addition of a rhythm element allows the movements to flow in a steady and pleasing manner. Though many different rhythms are employed in this art form, it is the Dorian style that we are intent upon discussing here in this text. Most of the other forms involve music as the rhythmic element, but the Dorian style takes the form back to its more ancient heritage, employing only human voices chanting to drive the routine onwards.

Let us look back in time, if you will, and watch a typical example of this amazing art form...

In a hushed arena, lit by hundreds of flickering torches, the Chorus begins their chant in unison, the unique Dorian rhythms immediately apparent as they recite the epic poem Xenaphilia. The harsh stress on the first syllable of each line pulses, giving one the feeling that somewhere a huge drum is being beaten. But there is no drum, only the powerful throbbing of voices raised.

On her cue, the gymnast steps from the darkened archway, staff in hand. The crowd gasps as she begins her dance, circling to the left, whirling the staff around in complicated patterns of attack and defense. So that the crowd may more easily see the complexity of the motion, a long trailing streamer has been attached to one end of the staff, and it swirls around as though it has a life of its own.

On the second stanza, as expected, the dancer takes up the chant, her voice strong and clear as she continues with her staff, demonstrating exceptional vocal control and stamina. There is never a waver in her voice as she thrusts and parries, and then moves into the final, and most difficult pass of her routine...

ROCk Climbing:
There are several variations of this sport. The first is a more literal translation of climbing ROC, which Renee demonstrated in the well scene from Altared States. The second version of this sport is considered to be what is known as "Extreme Gabrielle", due to Renee's fondness for cliff climbing. So much for Gabrielle's fear of heights!

Squid Hurl:
Another official event of the first official Clan MacGab GabGames held at Valley Forge, PA in ROCtober of 1997. The Squid Hurl, an event for women only, is based on the auld Scottish contest of haggis hurling. [See The Squid Hurl Rules]

Valley Forge GabGames, Rules Of The Competitions

The Squid Hurl

This contest is based on the traditional haggis hurl competition held at many Highland games. Rules are much the same as they are for a sanctioned haggis hurl. (Lest you be afraid to read any further, real squid will not be used, but a non-biological rubbery imposter will be found). This event is open to members of the Clan MacGab and the ROC Official Fan Club.


  1. Contestants will stand upon an inverted washtub with squid imposter in hand.
  2. Each contestant must scream at the top of her lungs while at the same time hurling the squid imposter as far as she can. Throwing overhand is verboten.
  3. Falling from the tub will disqualify you, as will smacking any innocent bystanders.
  4. The contestant who manages to hurl the squid imposter the farthest without tumbling from the tub will be awarded something. An additional prize will be awarded for "Best Scream".
  5. Since haggis hurling is traditionally a women's sporting event, there will be a male-only competition in the form of the BGSB relay race (see below).

The BGSB Relay Race

The First Official BGSB relay race will also be held on Sunday, Oct 5th, 1997. This race is a variation of the whiskey relay traditionally held at Highland games. The event is open to members of the Clan MacGab and the ROC Official Fan Club. (I would have said male members only, but that subtext is a killer.)


  1. There will be five lanes in the relay, approximately 20 yds in length. At each end of the lane will be a MacGabber holding a perfectly wearable replica (in the form of a green sports bra) of the sacred BGSB.
  2. At the signal of the start of the race, each contestant will be handed a BGSB, which he must don before dashing to the other end of his lane.
  3. At the end of each lane will be a MacGabber holding another BGSB. The contestant must remove the BGSB he has on and put on the new one before heading back to the starting line.
  4. This process is to be repeated five times. At the completion of five laps, a winner will be proclaimed, and he will be awarded something.
  5. Each contestant must have completely dressed in the BGSB before he begins to run or he will be disqualified.

The GabbyDance Competition

Robin Lombard, the Naughty Listmistress, has volunteered to judge this event. We suspect she did this in order to avoid becoming a contestant, but she denies any ulterior motives.

Anyone (not just MacGabbers, not just females), may enter the GabbyDance contest. No experience necessary, coordination optional. Gab costumes and accessories are encouraged, but not required. On the judge's signal, the contestants will do their best "dancing Gabrielle" imitation to the tune of "Gabby Dance" from the Xena CD. The most Gab-like dancer will win the trophy! An additional prize will be awarded for "Best Costume" which, if you're wearing a BGSB, will seem like an oxymoron.

The My-So-Called-Talent Competition

The final event for our first official Clan MacGab Gabgames will be the "My-So-Called-Talent" contest. Carmen Carter has agreed to be a judge for this competition, but does NOT promise to be in any way objective in her selection of a winner. This is an open competition; anyone may enter.


Do you have some latent talent that you've been practicing in secret, waiting for just the right audience? Play the nose flute? Do impersonations of the squid-eating Gabster? Juggle raw egg yolks in your bare hands? Well then, this contest is for you!

There will be trophies (ha-ha!) awarded to the winners of each competition, and some swell prizes donated by Creation Entertainment!

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